To prefer a generic gift over a 'thoughtful' one?

[GaspingGekko]

Reading a few of the Xmas threads on here, I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling this way. I don't know if it's because I'm quite picky or specific in what I want, but I generally hate what people on here would call a thoughtful gift. Especially if it's an expensive one.

I feel like they often miss the mark, so yes there is thought in them, but it's not what I would choose for myself.
So for example, DP bought me an expensive running watch. It was in my favourite colour and I love running, so on paper perfect. Only it didn't have a specific feature that I really needed for my training, but then I felt obliged to use the one he bought meaning I missed out on that feature until the watch died.

Or, I career changed a couple of years ago. A friend bought me an expensive item linked to this career. Only it did lots of things I didn't want and was not something I would ever pick out for myself - I had already bought something for myself, completely different to the gift. Fortunately, I don't feel obliged to use the gift one, friend will never know otherwise. But it sits in my cupboard as a guilty reminder of the money she spent that I haven't appreciated.

I'm always grateful for the thought, and I genuinely can't tell them it's not right - because you can see on their faces that they think they've bought an amazing present. But I can't help but wish they'd just buy me something generic that they know I like. AIBU for feeling this way?

Because months and months later they call me and say they finally read it and it was brilliant. Particularly my dad. He’s not a big reader but I do now know exactly the sort of thing he will enjoy.

look I’m not saying everything has to be some great act of thought - in fact, I’d much prefer a ‘token’ gift like a bottle of wine instead of each of us spending £75 or more on a link we’ve been sent. To me that feels not like gifting at all. It’s just randomly overspending on stuff we could buy ourselves. And we may not even need - quite often a family member will say “I found it so hard to come up with a list this year”. So why are we doing it then?!

wish we could either do no gifts or token instead of this tbh, but I’ve suggested that and it didn’t go down well

I usually enclose a receipt so it can be exchanged, but prefer gifts with thought. My in-laws just give money, which sounds nice but is never ever alongside any gift eg less money and a box of chocs. No - they just stand in front of an ATM. Which I guess would be fine except they always say are you doing one of your lovely hampers this year? We love them etc Cold fish all of them, frankly.

Yes, yes, yes. Fancy generic, nail on the head.

Know they like milk chocolate? Buy them fancy chocolates they would never treat themselves to. Socks, buy the most luxurious pair.

Yes!!

My best present last year was a Nivea toiletries set from BF's mum who I'd never met before. Every item was usable and felt like a touch of luxury for the everyday.

I have a beautifu scarf from my Aunt, in that I can see its beautiful, but I'll never use it and can't even think of anyone to pass it on to.

And if it's something you actually did want but not quite the one you wanted, it leavs you in a position where you don't feel able to buy the one you wanted becuase you dont "need" it anymore.

Whenever people talk about carefully chosen presents, I always think they've done it for their own benefit and are waiting for the applause.

I think many people would agree with you about the expensive gift that is wrong. If I take the risk of buying something 'special' I give them the receipt and urge them to change it if necessary.

If we are talking close friends and family why don’t you tell them which specific “thing” you would like. If I wanted new trainers etc I’d be sure tell DH or DM the exact ones.

Agree, but again care needs taking because expensive high cocoa solids dark chocolate is no good to someone who only adores Cadburies fruit and nut. ..

This is me. I only like certain red wines and certain chocolates, so it's rare that even a generic gift hits the mark, everything else gets regifted. I would much rather the gifter keep their money and enjoy it for themselves and their family.

There is a sadness when the gifter gives something that is no use to me, it's like they don't even know me. Then there is the wasted time and money which is utterly pointless. I'd really rather not bother at all.

I would actually prefer that (for adults) it all be much simpler - a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, a poinsettia, a book, a nice bottle of bubble bath, a bag of fancy coffee beans. Simple "consumables", things people need or will use or enjoy.

Obviously we buy children toys because they can't buy their own, but I dislike huge adult gift giving practices.... it tends to stem from consumerism and comes with a dose of pressure: how much to spend, is the gift lavish enough, must I buy for every single distant cousin, have I been sufficiently thoughtful, it gets performative. I don't need big gifts to feel loved, i just want a lovely day with family.

I know a few women who are very set on the importance of the gifts, I wonder if its a throwback from a time when for many women they had limited access to money and it was the only time they got nice things. I buy myself what I want when i want, or save up for bigger things, so i don't need to receive them as gifts.

I do agree. Too often people buy things 'thoughtfully' but it just isn't what I want. Or sometimes it's close to what I want but not quite right, and then I feel like I can't even justify buying myself the version I did want.

At mine, we've generally agreed to only buy off a list, or to get things that can (and have checked, will) be used. I've had a bit of a nightmare this year as neither my partner nor son have provided a list, so their presents really are generic or things I do specifically remember them mentioning earlier in the year (but only if I could get that exact thing).

My sibling however did literally ask for a thoughtful gift but with no hints whatsoever. So I HAVE tried, but if they don't like it, too bad...

I have a reputation for getting people good gifts. But I do my research, not just asking the person but asking others. Eg when my niece was studying medicine I asked my GP (I'd gone for health reasons, this was just a further question) what would be the most useful gift for a new Dr.

He recommended a particular book. I got a thank you text from my niece saying it is, "the Doctor's bible".

Sometimes I see something and it makes me think of a person and I will buy it. It might be months early. In one case it was 4 years.

Strangely people find me difficult to buy for.

I always wear the same perfume, I love red wine and single malt scotch. I also love flowers so I should be easy to buy for.

I think my experiences as a child of asking for X and getting not quite X or occasionally Y I do try to get people exactly what they want, or something easy to return / exchange.

When my nephew got engaged I sent him and his fiancé a rice cooker. I considered a slow cooker but as they are vegan I thought not.

Anyway they actually returned it and bought a slow cooker. Fine by me.

Socks, buy the most luxurious pair.

That would be cashmere and silk. Which I hate because they’re too thick. See? It doesn’t work.

It sounds like the issue is expensive gifts rather than thoughtful ones, if someone is spending hundreds presumably you wouldn’t feel less guilt if they spent the same amount on generic candles/ perfume/ chocolate etc that also wasn’t to your taste and wouldn’t get used? I love a thoughtful gift, but none of my friends/ family go overboard with adult gifts so budget is usually around £20-£30 so if someone misses the mark I don’t feel guilt.

I agree with @GoldMerchant that a good gift is a fancy version of something specific. Buy me a bit more fancier box of chocolate and I would be over the moon.
Added: and I’m very vocal about this my approach and still my sister gave me one year a set of perfumes (expensive ones) known well that I have allergy and very careful with any cosmetics, perfumes etc. I was like 🤔

And yes it’s about money, my money actually. “Thoughtful” presents are often expensive and then I’m expected to give something similar in return so I have to spend more time and money looking for a gift than I’m comfortable with.

Exactly this. I’ll always keep the receipt / include as gift receipt and make sure they know it’s totally fine to swap. Have really appreciated it when eg SIL bought me a top I just wouldn’t wear, she said “I thought you’d like it because xyz but I may be way wrong, please please swap if you won’t wear it” - I swapped it for a gorgeous throw and always tell her that’s the one from her!

OP I’m totally with you on the pickiness thing. I give links or am careful not to suggest things where I don’t just want any old x, but a precise and specific x. Sometimes I’ll have something that I trust someone to get eg my parents to get me a good kitchen knife within these bounds of specification, or my sister I actually trust her to get me earrings - she’s the only one as she gets my taste properly. That’s great. And I have had quite a few thoughtful on the mark gifts too - but I completely feel your pain on the “expensive but not quite what you wanted watch”. Ugh!

We don't buy for adults. I just can't afford it. I'm happy to receive nothing but still some people will get Me things. Usually generic but sometimes more thoughtful and either way it misses the mark. Which I feel very ungrateful because apart from my husband no one else is getting me gifts so it seems even sadder the few I do get tend to be gift sets I can't use because I have eczema. Jewellery I don't wear, alcohol I don't drink (don't like the taste of any alcohol) chocolate I don't like. Knowing the total of all that would of been enough for me to buy some desperately needed new underwear without holes. It just feels like such a waste.
I'd be really happy for underwear and socks every year like my husband gets from his mum but because I'm women it's not the done thing I must have a beauty gift set i don't want. Equally I'm happy with nothing but the having to say thank you for something you dont want have asked not to get it's hard going. I feel ungrateful but it's then another job for me to rehome these things.

Between me and my husband we do links on a app called family gift. So it's still very much a surprise but it will be the exact right thing. I think as we don't have lots of money and don't buy Ourselves treats its really nice to get something you actually want.

But the unwanted presents are often things which can’t be used or are superfluous because you have a nicer one - or worst of all prevent you from buying what you really like because now you have to use the gifted one which isn’t as good. Even generic unwanted gifts, isn’t it a bit sad, knowing people have spent their money on stuff which will either lurk in a drawer or go straight to a charity shop? The worst part is opening a gift, especially an expensive one, in front of the recipient and having to fake being pleased with it.
Like many on this thread, I find ‘thoughtful’ gifts are about 50:50 on whether they hit the mark. Generic ones can be ok, but for example I never use shower gel, just soap bars, don’t like scented candles (and we don’t have power cuts) and don’t need another winter scarf that’s not as nice as the ones I have.
And if you yourself are a ‘difficult to buy for’ person, then it’s hard not to wonder whether those you buy gifts for are themselves just pretending to like them (except DH as I actually do know what he likes!). I have fewer people to buy for and to buy for me nowadays so the silver lining of that is less stress around presents. I do enjoy buying presents for the kids and DH but always feel awkward opening my own as I know they are more likely to be misses than hits - not because the people giving them to me don’t care or put in effort but just because I know exactly what they like and they don’t.

That's exactly what I do. Cashmere socks, upgraded bath stuff etc.
I agree with the poster who said there's far too much angst about this though. I do wonder if it stems from the 'everyone is special' rhetoric we started in schools 35 years or so ago. These children are now adults and some on MN to seem to struggle with the concept of not being at the top of everyone's gift list and berate even quite distant relatives for not knowing they have sensitive skin that reacts to any brand under £50 and asthma that flares up with any candle under £75.

I really, really prefer receiving vouchers (usually for books or for loading up my kindle or kobo) or money so that I can shop for myself and get the stuff I would actually enjoy. Mostly my family do now do this.

At Christmas we go out for Christmas Dinner and I always say that I am happy with that. I couldn't care less if I get no other presents if we are doing that. I love it.

I always ask my now grown up DDs what they would like and I follow any links they send.

DH I usually buy books and clothes for but I know his precise styles and tastes after 40 years. He buys me my vouchers and often some chocolates, which I share around. All fine with me.

I've no interest at all in candles, which so many people see as a perfect generic gift. Some might be very pretty but the fire hazard of them worries me so much that I don't want them in the house and will never allow them to be used there. So although I would be polite and outwardly grateful if I received one the gift actually wouldn't work at all for me.

I don't use make-up, nor perfumes other than my regular deodorant. Fancy toiletries are not needed either though I will use what I can if I get any and then revert to my regular weekly supermarket choices.

I am always outwardly grateful and appreciative of any gifts received though.

💯 I love a good generic gift

One of my absolute fave gifts is a Champneys set from Boots 3 for 2 which I often put on the (links!) list for my in-laws - but I rarely get one as I think they think it's a boring request!

YANBU but this is very much a modern phenomenon.
300 years ago, when a pineapple was pretty much the most wonderful gift ever, you'd have been thrilled. Even 100 years ago, less fashion choice, less books to choose from, limited make up/toiletries options, any thoughtful gift would have been spot on. Now there are so many choices that most people know the exact model/spec of what they want and similar just doesn't cut it.

All of us and close relatives tend to write a list so we do generally buy/receive what we've chosen but my gin making kit from 3 or 4 Christmas's ago is still in a cupboard somewhere.

100% with you @GaspingGekko, I love a generic gift, particularly if it’s a ‘posh’ version as I’d never buy that myself. Anything specific I’d much rather get myself as I know what I like. Definitely comes from childhood when I’d ask for something very specific, my parents would buy something they considered to be “basically the same” which was actually totally different and not what I wanted at all, I’d then get told how ungrateful I was for being disappointed!

I think this thread has helped me clarify what I'm thinking.

I do want thoughtful in a sense, just not very specific and not expensive. Something generic enough that I could regift if it doesn't hit the mark.
It really is the idea that people spend time and money on something I don't want and that feeling of obligation to use it.
And yes, I should be able to speak up and say would you mind if I exchange this, but unfortunately most of my life I have been surrounded by people who wouldn't take that well.

Very expensive gifts should only ever be bought in collaboration with the receiver (unless you can be 100% certain of what to get). It’s just too big a waste otherwise.