To prefer a generic gift over a 'thoughtful' one?

[GaspingGekko]

Reading a few of the Xmas threads on here, I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling this way. I don't know if it's because I'm quite picky or specific in what I want, but I generally hate what people on here would call a thoughtful gift. Especially if it's an expensive one.

I feel like they often miss the mark, so yes there is thought in them, but it's not what I would choose for myself.
So for example, DP bought me an expensive running watch. It was in my favourite colour and I love running, so on paper perfect. Only it didn't have a specific feature that I really needed for my training, but then I felt obliged to use the one he bought meaning I missed out on that feature until the watch died.

Or, I career changed a couple of years ago. A friend bought me an expensive item linked to this career. Only it did lots of things I didn't want and was not something I would ever pick out for myself - I had already bought something for myself, completely different to the gift. Fortunately, I don't feel obliged to use the gift one, friend will never know otherwise. But it sits in my cupboard as a guilty reminder of the money she spent that I haven't appreciated.

I'm always grateful for the thought, and I genuinely can't tell them it's not right - because you can see on their faces that they think they've bought an amazing present. But I can't help but wish they'd just buy me something generic that they know I like. AIBU for feeling this way?

I have a big birthday coming up and I'm so grateful my parents have finally accepted that unlike my dsis, I don't want a keepsake piece of jewellery which is easy to get and what they think i should want but will wait until there's something or an experience i really want that costs their budget and they'll get me it then. It means a lot that they are listening.

Generic gifts can be great, but they should still be nice versions of the thing in question. It's supposed to be a present, after all, a treat. I'd much rather a tiny tube of hand cream from L'Occitane (say) over a massive "gift set" from the supermarket for the same price.

We buy “thoughtful” inexpensive extras. The main gifts are specifically asked for in a list or vouchers/cash.

I can’t abide the thought of wasting money and I would ask to change it if needed. I’m not sparing the feelings of someone to avoid wasting large amounts of money. It doesn’t matter so much for inexpensive “surprise” things.

I know what you mean.
I'm seen as being 'outdoorsy ' so people either go to somewhere like Go Oudoors and buy me a voucher or guess at something, which is kind, but because im already doing 'outdoorsy things',I have what I need and want. I usually end up with a duplicate or something inferior to what I already have.

My sons gf got me a really thoughtful gift for tbe home and a lot of effort went I to it. However it didnt fit in at all with the decor and it sticks out like a sore thumb. However I am grateful for the gift.

There's a lot of unnecessary stress in this thread.
My friends & family know I don't like candles but if someone buys me one, it goes in the cupboard until the next power cut. No big deal. If I get a sweater I'm not keen on, it'll get used for gardening. I don't feel guilty at all.
I'll happily accept chocolates or gin. My ds likes socks because he can never be bothered to go and buy his own. I think they are dull as dust, but I buy them anyway.
People worry about this stuff far too much.

I’m the same way about gifts because my mother had a tendency growing up always buying me gifts she thinks I should like because she likes them and would call me ungrateful for not doing so despite being told I don’t like xyz by my dad and say how I wasted her money or I didn’t have taste. I like antiques and she’ll tell people I like old things as if I’m weird. He didn’t completely help either because he would ask me to tell the truth because he could see I was lying when I was just trying to avoid her ridiculing me.

I also have been specific in the past after being asked for things that was either under a tenner or not an actual item (help with something) and been ignored or told it has to be an actual physical item. Thankfully, not everyone but enough that I just politely smile through it.

I have also said please don’t get me any gifts and also been ignored.

It just makes me think they’re doing it because of the holiday, not because they actually care, that I’m just a tick box and likely they go around saying how they got me xyz or had to buy me xyz to show how good or busy they are at Christmas.

Chocolate, smellies, candles are not my thing and I like practical things. Funny enough the only ones that respect this are the men in my family while the other stuff is usually from the women.

Yes I agree with this too. I love a book token / gift voucher.

I have told my family years ago that vouchers for things are fine, as Ill end up uding them when I need, instead of gifts- I have tonnes of makeup and clothes, and Im happy to sort myself out rather than someone buying a double of something I have or something that will end up in charity shop.

I can’t understand how people can get funny over a gift. A gift is a gift. Unless it’s deliberately nasty it’s something extra in your life. Toiletries are always useful, as is chocolate. Saves you a bit of money and it’s normally nicer and different to the stuff youd get yourself. So yeah, I bloody love generic!

You have a point

We just tell each other what we want which solves the problem.

YABU not to have exchanged your partner's gift though, and your mate's (if you couldn't exchange it) can be stuck on eBay/vinted, someone will love them, they don't need to gather dust.

This is so negative. Is this how you feel when you buy people presents? They probably think “ooh these are nice useful toiletries”. Why look into it negatively.

do people not have the assumption that everyone is trying to be nice when they buy something? Otherwise they just wouldnt bother.

We are a family of link senders. I HATE it. I find it so materialistic. We are all adults and can afford to buy things we need.

I’d rather have a generic posh coffee or chocs or wine - or agree NO presents for adults and we all bring some fancier food with us - than something I have decided on myself, sent the link and then (this year) get a phone call narrating the problems with the delivery of it in advance.

But instead we go through this charade every year.

I always buy a book I think they’ll like on top of the link gift. They usually love it and tell me what a good choice.

Yes.
DH bought me a voucher to do a woodworking class last year.
This is the worst thing I can imagine. I am terrible with my hands, totally impractical. I will probably saw my thumb off.

I think he bought it because I really admire crafts and love looking at people’s work. But I have no interest in doing it myself.

The voucher is still on my bedside table ☹️ I feel guilty and must try to arrange it.

Yes! Mine went through a stage of buying me jewellery through my teens and I ended up with about 10 or so pieces. If you have that much they're not "special" any more - and I felt obliged to keep it all for a long time, taking it all from house move to house move.

These days they give me money to go shopping in the sales which is perfect - this year I'll get running trainers.

We don’t do gifts for adults in our family, or DH’s family. Agreed mutually many years ago. It’s wonderfully liberating.

No, I don’t because I actually listen to people when they tell me what they like and don’t like especially if I’ve known them for years. If I don’t know something, I ask and if they tell me earnestly not to give them a gift, I listen.

I have no issue buying people gifts. My issue is with people dismissing me just as you have by ignoring the whole history I posted about my experiences.

I have alway been gracious and thankful but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be internally disappointed. It’s not nice to be ignored.

I voted YABU by mistake.
I agree with you!

No, because some people have complex/toxic family dynamics. It can be hurtful to say "Please don't buy me x", open "x" at Christmas and be called ungrateful for not gushing over it. Some people's husbands deliberately buy clothing too big/small or go to Asda last minute and spend £3 on some Dairy Milk when they've asked for something expensive themselves. It can be part of a pattern.

I read somewhere that a good gift is a slightly fancier version of something generic - the version that someone wouldn't buy themselves. So merino wool socks, or posh chocolates, or bubble bath from a brand that always seems a bit too pricey. And I generally think this is true! I'm always pleased to get something like that, that I wouldn't have bought for myself, but I'll take pleasure in using.

I agree that something too specific often misses the mark, especially if it's connected to an interest. My DH has some niche hobbies - think model airplane building - and I always ask for brands, specific kits, specific books because it's too easy to get to wrong and buy something that he thinks is rubbish. And he's the only person I buy clothes for because I know his taste and we're also honest enough to return stuff if we dislike it!

We also have this rule. I get something token for my parents nominally from the DC, but don't buy for my DB and DSIL, just their DC. They don't buy for us. I'm really happy with this set up!

How do you know they love it? They may just be being polite and wishing you would just stick to the link.

I wish I was a bit more dh. When he gets it perfectly wrong I do what the OP does. When I get it perfectly wrong he asks to exchange the gift.

Agreed. The only people I buy thoughtful gifts for are dh and near-adult DC, because they live with me and I can be very sure what they have and want.

Parents, siblings nieces and nephews I ask if it's appropriate then do token gift and cash.

I disagree but I dont think you are "picky" its more a relationship thing and how you communicate. A thoughtful gift is not hitting the mark 90% it hits it 100%. Its the fact you are not able to say. This is a great idea anf I love you considered me, however I need xyz. Do you have the receipt so I can exchange it please.

I do sometimes wo der whether the thightful gifys posts are just retail trying to make us buy more.

And I have no qualms in swapping a present if it's at all possible.