Niece is gay - AIBU

[Livpool]

My brother has just text to say niece has just come out as a lesbian. I said fab as no woman would choose to be straight. Then checked she wasn’t upset etc. and all happy. He joked she wanted a card to at ‘yay’ and I said I would oblige.

I am out with a friend so mentioned it and she (straight woman FYI) said I am not taking it seriously and need to act like an adult about it.

YABU - she so right, you are being silly and ride
YANBu - you’re friend is ridiculous

No, what I'm saying is that his romantic entanglements as a teenager won't result in him getting another 15- or 16-year-old pregnant and derailing his entire life. And of course, plenty of heterosexual couples have infertility issues that make biological children out of reach too. Even having biological children can be a nightmare and result in birth trauma or death. Not to mention, of the teenagers I know who'd potentially come out, they're all firmly against having children, like so many of gen z.

Ultimately, though, it's a joke, and within a family or friend context, no one I know would be getting offended.

I think my daughter does know she’s cherished.

I teach trans kids and I’ve spoken to some students about their experiences. But that’s not really connected to the issue here. My daughter is a lesbian, not trans. Her experiences are different.

It’s not a big deal to me - I’m not denying homophobia exists. I’m not going to look up stonewall. I’m going to speak to the people I know and care about and try to understand their experiences.

My daughter being gay isn’t a big deal to me, her mother and I don’t want her to feel she has to come out to me. She agrees, so she didn’t. Please don’t patronise someone who is trying to understand and who cares. I’ll be led by the gay people in my life rather than an internet stranger.

I think you handled it fine OP, when my DB announced my nephew was gay, we all said “is he happy?” And then “we always knew he would be”. Then the conversation moved on.

it’s no big deal. I liked your joke!

As you say “ it shouldn’t be a big deal” and to those of us that aren’t bigots it isn’t. Is that not a good thing? My gay friends would love it not to be a big deal.

If every single person regarded it as not a big deal then homophobia wouldn’t exist. Same as someone’s ethnicity or religion shouldn’t be a big deal. No one here has dismissed the existence of homophobia and it’s lovely that there are people who care and are trying to support their loved ones.

Women do the choosing??? Do men not have a say? It’s not the dark ages

I think people may have interpreted the ‘no big deal’ as dismissive and minimising of the experiences of young people experiencing homophobia. It was perhaps the wrong expression to use. As a parent I tried to model calm acceptance and understanding.

Nothing against lesbians but I would still choose to be straight and I’ve had enough grief from guys to last a lifetime. Weird thing to say to your (male) sibling.

There's a Harry Enfield & Chums sketch with a trendy, ultra-liberal, North London, Guardian-reading couple who are desperate for their teenage son to “come out” as something interesting.

Instead, he nervously confesses:

“Mum… Dad… I’m… I’m straight.”

Think there's treatments nowadays ?

There is still prejudice. If your niece would like a card, send a card. It's an easy way of reassuring her and showing that you love her.

If in doubt, send a card and your love. Whatever the life event.

Or she is pointing out sexuality isn't a choice, its just part of who you are?

DD17 and I recently had a conversation where she told me she likes women not men. I was honestly relieved.

@OtterlyAstounding You've misunderstood/misread - I don't think the OP making that comment/joke was "a negative thing". I specifically said I didn't have a problem with it. I was speculating on why it might not have sit right with the OP's friend who apparently did have a bit of bit of a problem with it. I could see an alternate point of view.

Have seen my niece and she is fine and happy, which is the man thing for me. Sorry to anyone I offended with my ‘joke’. I don’t take things very seriously, which isn’t always great.

As a woman with a wife - your reaction would have been a weight off for me back in the day. Your niece is happy, don’t let your straight friend dictate the way the conversation goes.in terms of the card, it just sounds like a bit of a laugh?

I was told a year ago my nephew was gay. Tbh id suspected for a long time and it was no big deal to me. He didn't have a big 'coming out' though. I found out when my sil was getting some bedding out for a girl my nephew had staying overnight. I asked 'oh is she his girlfriend?' she laughed and said 'oh no he's gay didn't you know?' I replied I hadn't been told officially, but I would've been more surprised if this was his girlfriend!

Thank you ❤️ - she just wants a gift card ha

I wish I’d come out at Christmas 😬

There's a business idea - The Yay You're Gay Gift Card™️
"To be redeemed only at places worthy of your pink pound"

/s

Your response was absolutely fine.
Im gay, and a lot of women have laughed and said I’m lucky because they have no choice but to be straight and deal with men. It’s a bit of a flip on the old world of lucky to be straight as not dealing with homophobia.
It’s a joke as old as the hills and there’s no malice in it.

MN’ers will of course choose to be offended if they want, in between reading the threads about the feckless DH/DP’s ruining Christmas etc.

A gay mate came out to his parents & his mom said are you coming out to us or yourself? We’ve known since you were about 5.

I think respond as the young lady wants you to respond. If she wants a ‘yay’ card then give her one… that’s affirming and supportive. If she wants low key then do low key no fuss. It’s not about what you or I or anyone on mums net wants or thinks …it should be about her

Coming out can still feel like a big deal to someone. I realised this when my DD came out to me - I was a bit meh at the time (not a big deal, I love you whatever, etc) and only years later did she admit how scared she was of doing it and it was a HUGE deal for her! I think a card would be lovely, and reassuring to your DN. Some families are not understanding and it will be good for her to know you have her back

For some people who are discriminated against because they are being gay it is kind of a big deal.