Page 3 | Niece is gay - AIBU

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:52

Ladamesansmerci · 23/12/2025 22:46

I'm a lesbian (32 and married with a child now!). I came out in my early 20's. My dad called me vile and my mum lamented the fact I'd never have a 'normal wedding'.

Meanwhile my brother rang me and just greeted me with 'ayup Gaylord' and proceeded to rib me but kindly, and we had a chat about hot women lol. Much preferred that 😁 People making a well intentioned joke to put me at ease always made me feel better, as it made it feel like it was no big deal.

Coming out is absolutely still stressful and it continues through your whole life. You come out over and over, with family, friends, in the workplace, etc. There's always that worry about how people will react. People just assume you are straight. It's not nice having to correct someone that you have a wife and not a husband. Everyone asks me about IVF and how I chose sperm! I don't personally mind this, but it's very invasive. Coming out is still a big deal, even though we do live in reasonably accepting times. Don't pretend it's some small thing. Homophobia is still alive and well. Sexuality is a huge and important part of your identity, and it can be confusing to figure out in a world where straight is the default.

Edited

Thank you for you comment.

I have spoken to my brother and he said “of course she wants a card and present, takes after you”!

I am so sorry you experienced that from your family - that is heartbreaking. My mum just text and said we about her a voucher, as she loves make up and my brother had spoken to her. I think straight people don’t get that it can be a big deal. And we don’t have to deal with it, how society changes. In the future I hope people won’t have to ‘come out’

OP posts:

Obeseandashamed · 23/12/2025 22:53

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 23/12/2025 22:15

I think your joke is in poor taste. “No woman would choose to be straight” said about a presumed teen coming out as lesbian? Either you’re doing an eye roll 🙄 implying she will grow out of it or you’re denigrating all women who aren’t lesbians. There is no good meaning to your joke.

I suspect it’s a light hearted reference to the fact that the dating scene for heterosexuals is pretty awful out there for a lot of people atm! I have lots of single friends who are always complaining about it.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 23/12/2025 22:53

Fatsnowflake · 23/12/2025 22:08

Why does it need to be a big deal anyway? I don’t even think anyone should need to ‘come out’ these days. My daughter just asked if her girlfriend could come over for tea and that was it. Don’t overthink it.

Edited

I love that so natural. Most that do the whole coming out thing say their family already knew.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:53

Dancingsquirrels · 23/12/2025 22:48

I'd love to think that, in 21st century, being gay is no big deal, but ........ friends and colleagues routinely ask me if my DS has a girlfriend. There's an underlying assumption that people are straight. And not following social norms is not easy

Very true - thank you

OP posts:

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 23/12/2025 22:53

I think you reacted fine for her, I'm sure you'll find her a great card.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:53

Obeseandashamed · 23/12/2025 22:53

I suspect it’s a light hearted reference to the fact that the dating scene for heterosexuals is pretty awful out there for a lot of people atm! I have lots of single friends who are always complaining about it.

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Yeah that was it - thanks

OP posts:

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 23/12/2025 22:53

I do try and keep it to - is there anyone special they are seeing?

Particularly as some of my friends' adult DC's have had partners of either sex before deciding on the one to build a future with

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:55

wineosaurusrex · 23/12/2025 22:50

I would die of embarrassment if a relative gave me a card or made it a big seal when i came out. Thats kind of treating it like a big deal and/or something i need sympathy and support for. I think OP's response was perfect!

As for all the posters saying "surely we dont need to come out these days" ummm i'm guessing you're all straight 😂

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Thanks - that is how I feel. As a society - as my niece has shown - people DO have to come out

OP posts:

Fatsnowflake · 23/12/2025 22:55

I haven’t come out personally but the thing is, unless we treat gay relationships like straight relationships- as if they are normal, because they are- then gay people basically have to ‘come out’ every time they meet someone new. So when my daughter is asked if she’s with her friend and she has to explain that this is actually her girlfriend, I would like that to feel easier for her. So the no big deal isn’t dismissive, it’s actually supportive. Let niece lead on this if she wants support, but otherwise, yeah - pass the sprouts and get on with life.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:56

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 23/12/2025 22:53

I do try and keep it to - is there anyone special they are seeing?

Particularly as some of my friends' adult DC's have had partners of either sex before deciding on the one to build a future with

Apparently she there is a girl (niece is 17) she is interested in so I hope she goes for it

OP posts:

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:57

Obeseandashamed · 23/12/2025 22:53

I suspect it’s a light hearted reference to the fact that the dating scene for heterosexuals is pretty awful out there for a lot of people atm! I have lots of single friends who are always complaining about it.

Show quote history

Yep!

OP posts:

Fatsnowflake · 23/12/2025 22:57

My daughter didn’t have to ‘come out’ to me but I do recognise that not everyone is enlightened. But they should be and we should lead by example.

Frannyisreading · 23/12/2025 22:58

wineosaurusrex · 23/12/2025 22:50

I would die of embarrassment if a relative gave me a card or made it a big seal when i came out. Thats kind of treating it like a big deal and/or something i need sympathy and support for. I think OP's response was perfect!

As for all the posters saying "surely we dont need to come out these days" ummm i'm guessing you're all straight 😂

Show quote history

I think OP said the niece was hoping for a card. I understand it's not for everyone, but some people were saying don't make anything of it even if the niece is hoping for a bit of a celebration. Hopefully op can pitch it right and not embarrass anyone.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:58

Fatsnowflake · 23/12/2025 22:55

I haven’t come out personally but the thing is, unless we treat gay relationships like straight relationships- as if they are normal, because they are- then gay people basically have to ‘come out’ every time they meet someone new. So when my daughter is asked if she’s with her friend and she has to explain that this is actually her girlfriend, I would like that to feel easier for her. So the no big deal isn’t dismissive, it’s actually supportive. Let niece lead on this if she wants support, but otherwise, yeah - pass the sprouts and get on with life.

My brother said she’d appreciate a card and voucher - love her cheekiness

OP posts:

FrootyCider · 23/12/2025 23:01

It's not a big deal to most people and your comment meant no harm, but as a bisexual woman who leans towards women I have to say the 'Women are easier to be with/I'd choose to be a lesbian' jokes are a little tiresome. Relationships between women come with problems like any other. They take work. I think people's thought processes still register them as airy-fairy unserious relationships.

People would also be surprised at the homophobia that still very much exists.
-My cousin came to a family wedding with her girlfriend and they were introduced as Jenny and her 'friend' all night.
-A very good friend of mine was shunned by pretty much the whole village after her girlfriend moved in.

I was followed by two 'lads' for 10 minutes who urged me and my then girlfriend to kiss (amongst other things) while cheering and whooping, after we made the mistake of holding hands on the tube. Maybe 5 years ago.

-As a teacher I can tell you homophobia is very much alive and well in schools, both casually and as a means to bully others, and section 28 still lingers so schools are often retiscint to tackle it head on.

Sorry that turned in to a bit of a rant/tangent!

Anyway OP, I'm glad you're supportive of your niece. You're right to treat their sexuality as no Biggie, but prejudice is still there in society.

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 23:01

Frannyisreading · 23/12/2025 22:58

I think OP said the niece was hoping for a card. I understand it's not for everyone, but some people were saying don't make anything of it even if the niece is hoping for a bit of a celebration. Hopefully op can pitch it right and not embarrass anyone.

Show quote history

He said “oh she said she loves your gift cards
and that would be lovely”. She is a young woman after my own heart and loves make up. A Beauty Bay gift card to say ‘yay for you being true to yourself’ is needed I think

OP posts:

FrootyCider · 23/12/2025 23:02

And a cards not a bad idea if she wants one. She's allowed to feel proud.

MsTanyaMcQuoid · 23/12/2025 23:02

Whilst it shouldn’t be a big deal in today’s world, for some people in some circumstances it absolutely is.

Coming out is an absolutely individual experience and different people will need different things. If your niece wants and needs a card to help her celebrate this milestone moment of self awareness and bravery - go nuts and help her celebrate!

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 23/12/2025 23:04

Honestly, why is this even a thing?

We are on 2025, nearly 2026. We dont make a flaming fanfare for someone being heterosexual so why the need for it when someone has any other sexual orientation?

My stepson simply said at almost 16 that he was bringing his boyfriend s his plus 1 to our wedding. We simply said, ok but you will be in separate rooms (which would have been the case if he was bringing a girl too) and that was that. Unfortunately he died 6 months before out wedding from a health complication sonwe never got to meet his boyfriend.

Ladamesansmerci · 23/12/2025 23:04

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:52

Thank you for you comment.

I have spoken to my brother and he said “of course she wants a card and present, takes after you”!

I am so sorry you experienced that from your family - that is heartbreaking. My mum just text and said we about her a voucher, as she loves make up and my brother had spoken to her. I think straight people don’t get that it can be a big deal. And we don’t have to deal with it, how society changes. In the future I hope people won’t have to ‘come out’

Show quote history

Honestly why not get her some eyeshadow in Pride colours or something if she likes make up? She may find it cringe right now as she's young, but as she grows up she will then always remember that you accepted and embraced her sexuality

Laura95167 · 23/12/2025 23:04

I think its a read the room situation. DN told you, its not big deal everyones happy for her.. great.

If she was somber and worried or nervous maybe a low key serious ans reassuring stance would be inappropriate. But your DN seems happy with your response which is all that matters

Original poster

Livpool · 23/12/2025 23:05

FrootyCider · 23/12/2025 23:01

It's not a big deal to most people and your comment meant no harm, but as a bisexual woman who leans towards women I have to say the 'Women are easier to be with/I'd choose to be a lesbian' jokes are a little tiresome. Relationships between women come with problems like any other. They take work. I think people's thought processes still register them as airy-fairy unserious relationships.

People would also be surprised at the homophobia that still very much exists.
-My cousin came to a family wedding with her girlfriend and they were introduced as Jenny and her 'friend' all night.
-A very good friend of mine was shunned by pretty much the whole village after her girlfriend moved in.

I was followed by two 'lads' for 10 minutes who urged me and my then girlfriend to kiss (amongst other things) while cheering and whooping, after we made the mistake of holding hands on the tube. Maybe 5 years ago.

-As a teacher I can tell you homophobia is very much alive and well in schools, both casually and as a means to bully others, and section 28 still lingers so schools are often retiscint to tackle it head on.

Sorry that turned in to a bit of a rant/tangent!

Anyway OP, I'm glad you're supportive of your niece. You're right to treat their sexuality as no Biggie, but prejudice is still there in society.

I am so sorry it comes across that way - it came from me and another straight colleague being a team of lesbians and then joking women were better partners. I won’t make the ‘joke’ again as I didn’t realise the connotations. I am sorry.

I wish society accepted all relationships.

OP posts:

Sarah2891 · 23/12/2025 23:06

B1anche · 23/12/2025 22:40

I thought your joke about women not choosing to be straight was funny. Really some people are so uptight.

Right! I can't believe how many people didn't get that was a jokey comment. I thought it was funny.

Sahara123 · 23/12/2025 23:08

No woman would choose to be straight?!

Jukeboxjulie69 · 23/12/2025 23:08

Livpool · 23/12/2025 22:05

My brother has just text to say niece has just come out as a lesbian. I said fab as no woman would choose to be straight. Then checked she wasn’t upset etc. and all happy. He joked she wanted a card to at ‘yay’ and I said I would oblige.

I am out with a friend so mentioned it and she (straight woman FYI) said I am not taking it seriously and need to act like an adult about it.

YABU - she so right, you are being silly and ride
YANBu - you’re friend is ridiculous

No gestures needed particularly to your brother. He’s told you his daughter is gay. Nothing needs to be said or done.