Man advice please 🙏🏻

[Imowningup]

Background- I’m 42, 2 DC, been divorced for almost 2 years.

Met a lovely, lovely man. 46, he’s been divorced for 10 years and has 3 older DC (22, 18’& 15). I can’t stress how well we get on- shared values, similar communication style, he’s attentive, messages multiple times a day, is thoughtful, goes out of his way to show me he cares, can show vulnerability and has always shared his DC 50:50 which is a non negotiable for me (if a man has children). On top of that there is a strong physical connection. Too good to be true?

My issue- and I’m completely open to being told I need to get a grip- he has a very close relationship with his ex-wife. VERY close. They divorced due to her having an affair. They see each other multiple times a week, he regularly carries out DIY, they have family meals, socialise together etc. Aside from his kids, her name is the name he mentions most. He has been very upfront and said previous GFs found this an issue and it has caused problems before.

Im stuck between a) acknowledging that if he’s a good father, emotionally intelligent etc then it stands to reason he’ll have a good relationship with her and b) wanting to protect myself in case

There are no other red flags. I think he’s wonderful and absolutely know I am falling in love but I’m also not wanting to sleepwalk into a minefield.

Any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and explain my feelings in a kind but constructive way?

I think I’d start a conversation with basically what you said above “This is a new dynamic for me. How do you see me fitting in to your life? What do you see your future ideally looking like?”. Maybe also ask questions about his past relationships and what they were like practically and what specifically was a problem for those women. It’s easy for him to say past GFs had an issue with his friendly relationship with his ex but if the issue was actually “we were midway through a romantic weekend getaway and my ex asked me to drive 3 hours to fix a dripping tap so I did” is another matter! I think a gentle but curious approach is needed to get what the full picture is here.

Those questions should tease out what he sees the future looking like and you can then think about whether that works for you. Or you can see if you can accept a more casual scenario (from what you’ve said though, I don’t think that will work for you with him).

Early enough to chuck this one back in the pond
I really couldn't be bothered with all of the second guessing

Your questions are just what I'm looking for. He actually asks me similar questions fairly regularly, have quite deep conversations. I think I'll lead with your suggestions. Thank you for such a reasoned relpy!

On a side note the previous long term relationship ended due to him finding our the GF had an unhealthy gambling habit she had hidden.

You are right- I'm not looking for casual.

If you don't like it that's perfectly reasonable. They are still acting like they are married in many ways and it would be easy for them to rekindle a relationship. You can co parent without this level of closeness, especially after 10 years. It is odd for his ex as well, hasn't she moved on at all? Is this his way of keeping tabs on her?

As a man I'd say no. Why would you stay close with someone who cheated? We're the other relationships an attempt to show her he is still attractive? Was there ever a conflict of interest between what the current girlfriend wanted and the ex wife and who won?
If he was planning to do something for his ex and you asked him suddenly to do something for you, which would be pick?

He just sounds way way too close like if she said let's get back together he would like a shot. I don't know of any man who has stayed around a woman without some sort of romantic relationship for any length of time without wanting such a relationship...I give you "when Harry met Sally" as evidence

It just doesn't sound like there is much room in his life for you. I mean he has regular meals with her, sees her frequently, is round at her place doing DIY, and going on family holidays
I am too selfish to put up with scraps so it would be a no from me.