This has been copied and updated for turkey two hours ago by someone in the Dull Men's Club on facebook:
Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt. 😳
I've just been a victim of a crime 😟
Well, I'm not sure if it was a crime, technically. It feels like I've been robbed though? Except I didn't actually own the thing in the first place. I'm confused.
Basically, being a proper 'Last Minute Larry' I left it until today to get the all important Christmas Day turkey. Went to my usual budget supermarket - shelves were bare. Oh dear.
So I tried another one quite close to it, a bit more pricey but not too bad.
But it was mayhem there 😞. Took ages to park but when I did, I grabbed literally the last smolley there (small trolley, copyright - me) and powered through the chaos like a Temu Max Verstappen. Headed straight for the turkeys.
And.... TWO LEFT 😍😍😍.
Granted, it was a full one whereas I only wanted a crown but it'll do - there was no way I was going home to Mrs Lyons with a fat chicken hoping she'd believe it was a small turkey. A whole turkey is fine, any port in a storm and all that.
Plopped the turkey in my trolley, then saw another stressed Larry like me finding the last one and being equally as relieved as I was.
With that worry behind me, despite the store looking like a soft play for adults with people barging into each other at every turn, I could relax and saunter about the place getting a few extra bits and bobs 👍
Even though I had a smolley and not a huge trolley, it was still a nightmare maneuvering it around as the store was jam packed with shoppers (I can't stand last minute shoppers; they always get in the way of my last minute shopping 😒).
As such, instead of trying to beep beep through a crowd to get the goose fat I spotted at the end of the aisle, I parked my trolley by a display stand of Quality Street tins and wandered down on foot for the fat.
I wasn't gone long, admittedly I did look at some black pudding slices after I picked up the goose fat, but then I returned to my smolley.
AND MY BLOODY TURKEY WAS GONE 😫😫😫
The smolley was there, and some pigs in blankets I added the same time as the turkey, so it was definitely mine. But someone had stolen my precious turkey!!!!
Like I said at the start, I'm not sure if this a crime or not but I genuinely did feel like a victim 😢
They couldn't have got far, I wasn't that long. So I left the smolley, again, and scoured the vicinity for anyone with a turkey. And, just down the shampoo aisle, there was a fella with a turkey heading towards the self service.
So I went on to him. I said "excuse me, where did you get that turkey from as mine has just been taken?"
"The turkey section" he told me, matter-of-factly.
"Oh really" I said sarcastically, "as there's none left there?"
"I must've had the last one then" he said.
I remember the guy who took the last one after me, I'm not good with faces but I remember that chap had a very small face as opposed to his head size. This was definitely not him, he had a regular face in proportion to his head.
He 100% stole my turkey, it was obvious.
But... In the absence of any hard proof I had to let it go. It was either that or insisting he join me at security to ask them to check the CCTV footage. Which admittedly is a bit much for something which wasn't actually mine to start with 🙄
Well I hope he either overcooks it and it's dry and rubbish, or he undercooks it and spends Boxing Day on the toilet.
Merry Christmas, you turkey thieving get 😒