Would you cut off someone that lied about having a child?

[Spenning]

In my workplace a colleague aged around 50 has lied about having an adult child. She has no children at all. Would you cut her off if she was a friend -or try and understand her behaviour and forgive her?

I’m not sure.

What was the context or reason for the lie?

I mean if she was just making conversation with a customer and said “oh yes my daughter went to Tenerife last year, have a great time!” then I’d think it was weird/pointless but not a big deal.

If she has spent years telling all of her friends detailed stories about an imaginary daughter then that’s much odder and I’d definitely be keeping my distance.

It depends how far she took the lie and what the reason was. Some people are compulsive liars and it can be draining and tedious dealing with them so if it was this kind of situation I'd avoid them in future.

I would try to find out why.

I think it depends on the impact these lies have had on you and your life.

I'd probably still talk to them. There will be a reason for this behaviour and I doubt it's a happy situation. Sounds really sad.

Somebody can have no adult children but have had children.

Leave her alone.

Keep your distance. It’s weird.

Maybe she had a child who died and she hasn't dealt with it

Is the fake child an imaginary person she invented for the lie? Or a real person in her life who occupies the place an adult child would?

Definitely this. If it was a one off with someone she didn't have an ongoing relationship with like a customer, maybe for the sake of friendliness, I'd find it a little odd but not think much about it.

If she's spent years talking about her daughter to her colleagues I'd be more concerned/upset. I wouldn't cut her off though - I wouldn't trust what she said, but it sounds like she needs people in her life.

Depends. People are complicated and do all sorts of strange things at times. Often these things are not in my view deserving of them being friendless as a result. I'd want to understand and then decide.

Forgive is interesting language. What impact has this lie had on you?

I think it depends on the circumstances.

i am a birth mum and a mum- my eldest was adopted so I have no contact but my youngest is in my care. When people ask I always say I have 2 kids- as I do- just one doesn’t live with me. Those close know the situation, but for me I cannot deny my eldest.

Could it be the case that her child was adopted?

Definitely try and find out why.

Before I had children I suffered from 8 years of infertility. I often would lie about having children to people I knew I'd never see again. I felt ashamed and I hated 'do you have kids?' question. I had two nephews who were like my children so I just talked about them. I'd have been mortified to have been found out.

My lie was to taxi drivers, hairdressers etc. I wouldn't have lied to my colleagues but at the same time I wouldn't judge anyone for lying about this unless it was harmful to me.

How can you cut her off when you work with her?

I would just continue to work with her as normal. If she was someone that I was friends with outside work, I would try to understand why she'd done this before making any kind of decision.

Try and find out why?

'So, Sarah, you've said you've got a kid but I know you haven't. Come on, out with it, was it a stillbirth, a late miscarriage, childhood cancer, murdered by your boyfriend or taken into care?'

She’s a work colleague not a friend? I’d not be saying anything or discussing her personal life with others.

How do you know for certain she doesn't? Could she have step child or ex step child?

I'd imagine the person must be having issues or they wished they had kids so kind of shared their fantasy then couldn't back down? Maybe they had many pregnancy losses or even a child that died?

I guess I would be interested to know the reason why they said it. More than wanting to shun or publicly shame them.

When I saw the title I assumed it was someone you were dating but it’s just someone you work with? What does it matter to you whether she has kids or not?

Definitely more details needed. Is it an entirely made up person, who she has told you details about, or is it a mention of someone who isn't her child, but who she might have had a material relationship with.

Eg. If someone was talking about school plays and she shared an anecdote, it might have just been easier to say "my daughter's nativity" then "my niece who I raised for 6 years while my brother was in prison's nativity"

Work colleague? Could it be a fictional child so she can get holidays approved easily. Time off for 'childcare' etc..I'd be curious but beyond that I'd ignore.

How did you find out?

Why would you cut her off? She’s a colleague. There will undoubtedly be a reason she said she has a child, and it doesn’t affect your life so who cares?

Sometimes when you are older and childless it becomes a trial to keep repeating “yes, I wanted a child, but couldn’t” and therefore it’s easier to make up a grown up child. Less questions are asked and no false sympathy.

I had a colleague who did similar. Talked about partner and DCs. Except it was known (people in the same village) that she lived with her parents. The DCs she talked about were her sister's. She was actually having an affair with her sister's partner (deeply unpleasant and abusive).

TBH I felt sorry for her. Her real life was the opposite of what she had hoped for. Her talking about what was essentially a fantasy life didnt hurt me.

How do you know? They may have an ex step child or relative they are as their own child. Maybe a child died or was removed from their care.

You can not assume you know better when it’s a colleague and not someone you know very personally.