Would you cut off someone that lied about having a child?

[Spenning]

In my workplace a colleague aged around 50 has lied about having an adult child. She has no children at all. Would you cut her off if she was a friend -or try and understand her behaviour and forgive her?

Do not do this.

I might say I have a grandchild, but only to avoid comments like 'What a shame you don't have children.' I wouldn't say it to a colleague.

I think it depends on why the person lied, what did they gain?

You never know especially with colleagues what is happening in their private lives. I wouldn’t cut someone out of my life if their lie hadn’t hurt anyone.

@Spenning what makes you think they are lying about having a child?

How does that affect your working life? It doesn’t! People lie all the time at work e.g. what did you do at the weekend? and they create an interesting scenario rather than the reality of “cleaned the toilets, did boring admin, flopped in front of the TV like the rest of the 52 weeks of the year”.

She clearly had reasons for lying. Maybe the woman is fed up with people hounding her why she didn’t get marry & have kids, and her having to justify her life and people being judgey. Perhaps she spent her life caring for elderly parents, or disabled relatives, perhaps her child died, or she miscarried or couldn’t have kids & her husband ran off, maybe she was too poor to have kids, and she got fed up with people making sneering comments like dried up spinster, weird cat lady etc.

people are awful and gossipy and by making up a lie to get people off her back, then so be it.

of course, moralising & judgment you, you have never told a lie, right? Why don’t we suggest that everyone avoids you because of your lie?

I agree that people are nosey and gossipy and I don’t blame her for telling a lie for these reasons

This is a worrying thing to be lying about. Depending on how close you are to her, I would not automatically cut her off. Of course I would it less easy to take her entirely seriously (and turn down invitations to the ensuing christening, wedding etc)

Op, can you just tell us how you know she’s lying about ever having a child, and why you care in the first place?

New partner? I'd be wary

Colleague? I'd probably be more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt that they had a child who died, was adopted, or referring to step children, or some complicated back story. Or, some need for support / sympathy. My friend's sister falsely claimed to have cancer. It subsequently appeared there were aspects of her life that were lacking and this was a cry for help

New partner? I'd be wary

Colleague? I'd probably be more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt that they had a child who died, was adopted, or referring to step children, or some complicated back story. Or, some need for support / sympathy. My friend's sister falsely claimed to have cancer. It subsequently appeared there were aspects of her life that were lacking and this was a cry for help

Thanks everyone who’s responded to this thread.

OK just to clarify - I personally don’t judge the lady who lied about having a child at all - like people have said - she may have had an ex step child, child who died etc etc - I’m totally giving her the benefit of the doubt. However there are some people in our workplace who are furious with her and shunning her - I personally feel more annoyed at her colleagues than her - they’re acting as if she’s not ‘allowed’ to have a child iyswim even though they’re younger and got their own young families

So just to clarify - I personally am neutral about the whole thing but this lady’s colleagues aren’t - so I’m just trying to gather what other people’s reaction would be to this in general

OP, you seem to cross paths with a lot of fantasists?

And that’s why some people blatantly hide anything private at work or when talking to strangers.

My family life is quite complicated, as in, one of my parents is a controversial figure. I have tried to be open once I feel I know someone well enough and it’s been inevitable weaponised. Had a stage at uni where I found out people called me a crazy fantasist behind my back as they couldn’t comprehend the kind of experiences I’d had by 19-20, eg someone would ask me what I did on the weekend, and I might say I went to Paris as my parent or my boyfriend at the time was attending some kind of headline event. Or that maybe it was in fact me that was invited to something cool. I’ve just learned to enjoy my life and shut up.

So you learn to lie. You say your parents are Judy and Dennis from Basingstoke, and you spend your time browsing Primark and going to Costa. The more basic you are, the more people accept you.

Not sure how long her lie went on for, or the reasons, but maybe you have a particular workplace/ geographic culture. Would people have quizzed her about her family life? Was the child invented to fit in and not be the odd one that people might, I dunno, feel sorry for? Question her life choices?

And how did the lie come out? Do you know for a fact what is fact and fiction? Is it just gossip?

It shouldn’t feel this good to be the workplace mean girl or shit stirrer, but too many people seem to really thrive in this role

There probably is a child just not hers. I wouldn’t shun her. It’s no different to grandparents lying about how much childcare they do to get time off over Christmas over actual parents.

It is

I think I’d feel sorry for her, she possibly hears others talking about their children and feels she’s missing out

How does anyone know that this child is made up?,
That's the bit I don't get.

I’m confused on that too. OP we really need the context of how this came to even be discussed at work

She probably has a child who died or an ex-step child or someone like that in her life who she treated as her own. This is by far the more likely explanation than that she just pretended to have one to deceive you all.

yes for what it’s worth I agree

Would you cut her off if she was a friend -or try and understand her behaviour and forgive her?

Concerning you’d even ask. It’s a no brainer to me. Not even worthy of a question.

Mind you, as mumsnet has shown me time and time again, my view and experience of friendships is very different to many OPs (who often seem to despise their friends and the feeling is mutual)

At which point ask her a bit more about the child. Because I think its unlikely they are completely fictional.