Would you cut off someone that lied about having a child?

[Spenning]

In my workplace a colleague aged around 50 has lied about having an adult child. She has no children at all. Would you cut her off if she was a friend -or try and understand her behaviour and forgive her?

It seems like a pretty sad lie. I would probably take her as I find her. I'm sure the reason for the lie will become more apparent in time.

Her personal life is none of your business. Leave her alone. There was a reason for the lie and you dont need to know why or understand it.

I knew of someone who every year said she was go3ung to her son's for Christmas. When she died it was discovered she had no children. We concluded she didnt want people feeling sorry her being alone and taking pity on her.

The OP said that wasn’t the case. I have no interest in why. I just steer clear of liars. In a workplace that’s easily done. I can be polite and still steer well clear.

I honestly would suspect she’s suffered a bereavement of some sort (possibly a stillbirth) and has not dealt with it and it’s caused this sort of behaviour. I’d be wary but not cut her off.

How was she found out? Are you able to probe gently at all?

Honestly it's a red flag for me. I get that we all lie a bit to smooth things over but something as big as that is concerning. I wouldn't shun but I'd be a bit wary of them. Fine for a casual friendship with a colleague but I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone like that for example.

Does she have a stepchild? Estranged child? Adopted child? Deceased child?

If there is no explanation and it's a completely made up lie, then yes it's very odd and I would keep my distance personally.

How do you know?

Its a hard one unless you know the reason. Could it have been a child that died years ago. Is it person who had desperately wanted a child and couldn't. Is it a silly comment that shot out her mouth when she first started trying to fit into a conversation and had to carry it on.

I think that could be a possibility

What your colleagues do in their private lives is kind of irrelevant. You still have to be able to work with her. Stay out of it.

Op is there someone who she has become a mother figure too, step child, friends child, a foster child, a care leaver who she's befriended, who doesn't have any other family?

Are you certain she doesn't have a child?

It seems a weird thing to lie about. Or its a complicated arrangement that she can't be bothered to explain.

I was wondering if this was the reason.

Did anyone ever lie about having a boyfriend just to fit in. When you are 20s and everyone is going loads of places with their boyfriends. When you say you have no boyfriend they go aww, fake sympathy. They treat you as less than them because of having no boyfriend.

Are you sure it isn't the same for her,?

I think its possibly more likely this lady has suffered the loss of a child or a stillbirth and still referee to that child as if there still here. Or perhaps there referring to a niece nephew who they view as there own they could even be a kinship carer.

I would tread very carefully here, 'inventing' being.a parent can happen for so many reasons, some true - miscarriage, stillbirth, baby who died, ex step child, was a foster parent, helped raise niece/nephew, etc. If there was never a child at all, women who totally fabricate usually have a lot of grief about not being a parent.

I'd not gossip about it and simply accept there may be more of a bacķ story than you ķnow and be extra ķind about it.

Has she admitted that she completely made this person up? I'd be interested in her reasons, if she's sharing them. If she's made up elaborate stories, asked for advice about her child, and/or used the child as a prop to get coworkers to behave differently (e.g., asking someone to cover while she attends her daughter's wedding) I'd be annoyed. Overall, though, since it's a colleague I'm friendly with an not a close personal friend, and the fact that she has a child or doesn't wouldn't have influenced the friendship, I'd probably be wary of her but remain friendly at work. I wouldn't cut her off - you'll still have to communicate and somewhat get along professionally no matter what.

In the late 1980’s I worked with someone who made up a story about their teen aged child having and then dying of cancer. She had time off during all this and bereavement leave until the lie was discovered. It was my first job and I was of similar age to made up child and remember thinking how strange. She left/was sacked and there were stories circulating about her having treatment for mental health issues

Agree with PP. Having to go to the funeral of a son or daughter would be awful whatever age this was. You might only recount the good memories

when I was growing up in the 80s/90s the local hairdresser would talk endlessly about his wife, the holidays they go on, her job, all normal married talk. He was gay, and single, but was worried that would put off clients so created this whole imaginary life instead.

so I would like to think about the reasons why she’s lied

I would hate to have a black and white view of people in the way that you do - it's so narrow-minded and self-righteous. I have a friend who used to say that her dad worked abroad. He was in prison, for multiple murder. Yes she lied, did it make her dangerous? No, her dad was dangerous and in fact admitting any link with him could have put her at danger. Also why should she have to answer questions about why her father did such horrific things when she herself had no clue? People sometimes have to lie to protect themselves, it's sad if you can't see that. After a decade she told me the truth, I certainly don't think any less of her, in fact I am grateful that she felt able to confide in me.

I go on odds to keep myself safe. Odds on most liars are to be avoided.

As I said, black and white. I go on the people I meet, rather than statistics (which are more often than not made up anyway). I'm perfectly safe.

👍🏻

Unless you know the back story I wouldn’t assume she was lying. There may be details you don’t know. They are unlikely to be happy about the situation.

How do you know there is or was never a child?

If someone asks me about children I always give the number with the child who is no longer with us. I suppose I don't technically have that child anymore, but they are part of the family and always will be and it's important to me they are included. So that could be both true and produce an inconsistency to onlookers.