Gone too far this evening - advice please

[advent25]

A local evening out with DH has escalated - and I’m not sure how we go back from this . for context both in our 40s with two children (one with SEN - I am main carer). I also work full time and carry majority of mental load for household.

For background there is history with DH excessive drinking and this has ramped up again this last few months - he’s been unhappy at work which I have been supportive of as I have some understanding of the industry. About the drink - I’ve said there is a tipping point for me & that more support is needed and he has agreed to counselling only last week but done nothing about it yet..I feel it’s lip service as this is ongoing. He is also on medication for depression which clearly won’t be helped by the drink .

So tonight he seemed to want to pick a fight when we got home - as I wanted to go home earlier than he did - it was almost midnight and we both have work today and needed to get home to our children. He was very nasty and kept insulting me - said I was ‘boring’ and ‘no fun ‘ and I had changed since we got together in our 20s!! For clarity I stood my ground , didn’t get emotional and asked what point he was trying to make etc as I’m generally happy with our lives and always the one to arrange stuff for us to do as a couple or family.,

This is against a backdrop of several nights out / drinking until early hours for him and Christmas parties etc in recent weeks so not as if he has gone without in terms of fun etc . I’m also not sleeping well at all which is partly due to the ongoing stress of all this but also that he is well aware of.

For added context over indulgence at Christmas has been an issue for several years and has caused family arguments - there is history of of problematic drinking for many years but I feel this has come to a head in that it’s now about my own boundaries of what I can live with as I know I can’t change it.

i would welcome advice please - this is a 20 year relationship and we are generally in love so I thought but after tonight don’t feel he even likes me. Married for many years. Enjoy each others company (so I thought ) if we could take the issue of excessive drinking away but also know I can’t make the change.

There are only three possible outcomes here. He stops drinking altogether. You leave him. Or you spend the rest of your life dreading Christmas, birthdays, weddings, nights out, funerals, the celebrations and the rough patches.
The first is unlikely to happen without a firm ultimatum you may not want to deliver on, and he may call your bluff on. So really its the second or the third. From experience, I'd urge you to prepare for the second as the third will overshadow the rest of your life and spoil so much potential happiness.

This. Leaving (or asking him to leave) is really the only way you can have control over this situation. Don’t hand the control to someone who is himself not in control.

I think you are absolutely right about the three options above thank you. I already dread events including Christmas due to excess drinking. He said he will stop for good in January and knows he needs to. We will see. I will need to see him taking it seriously and not just for January … as I am not prepared to live like this.

So my challenge back would be, why wait until January? The answer will be because it's Christmas and New Year - but that's not a reasonable excuse, because if he is saying he knows he needs to stop, then he should be stopping now. Holding off for the sake of a final blow-out over the festive period is just an unnecessary delay.

But it's an interesting insight into his mindset - because it says that he doesn't truly think he needs to stop, and he doesn't want to stop, so he won't. And what he's doing now is just saying words to get you to leave him alone and carry on putting up with things. Hence using Christmas and NY as an excuse. You'll get to January and then there will be more reasons - a bad time at work, or another excuse for why it's not a good time for him to do it now - so he needs to delay, delay, delay but don't worry because he'll do it soon. But soon in this case is the 12th of Never.

What will he be like tomorrow? Will be act sorry?

It would be best if he moves out asap.
Giving up in January is a complete joke.
He's an abusive drinker and you are an abused woman.
He's a nasty alcoholic and god knows he doesn't share the load.
What is the point of him.
You cannot trust him not to ruin any night and he has a form.
He has a drink problem and you deserve so much better.

I hope you’re doing ok op. It’s a tough and complex situation but ultimately you have every right to a peaceful life - as do your children. If he can tackle his alcoholism that’s the only way you can go on. Big change needs to happen. All the best to you

Wise words

Im struggling too, im 37 he is 47 been together 15 years i raised his two kids with him (no mum she walked) , he has always drank of an evening since the day we met, was never an issue as such unless he drank whisky then he was horrid, I occasions 13 years ago he was verbally violent to me but I stayed and had been great since but since then I hate drinking with him never have dont like it incase he was to ever turn again even thou he hasn't untill this year, ..
He has always had me on a peddle stall great man in the day so helpful round the house to couldn't ask for better so helpful woth housework cooking the kids etc , he ticks all the boxes works so hard to but he drinking has got worse and is mixing with sleeping pills which makes him a mess and I cant stand to be near him, he doesn't touch a drop till our youngest (3) is in bed and then he switches off with a beer, great , thats acceptable but its the mixing with meds he is smashed and falling everywhere and is insulting when I ask what's happened to him, cant stand to be around him... anyways ... I put my foot down 2 month ago told him get help or im gone, he did, he did one coucilling session and a hypnotherapy session and went 3 weeks with nothing couldn't of been prouder, he has now drank for 5 days straight 6-8 beers a night and I cant stand it .. am I being a humbug as its Xmas season? I cant be around him soon as he starts slurring it jars me and im not feeling happy , then he asked if we can have sex and I dont want to he is not attractive to me , he snores terrible when drunk like most and the room stinks of stale beer every morning , I dont no what to do myself , he stayed in a hotel last week as he was so ashamed of his verbal behaviour towards me the night before he cried and left for the night... I didn't no weather to be angry that he left me to run the home and kids alone or to feel sorry him that he was sad alone,
Sorry for the essay ,think I needed to get this off my chest

Just to add he has stopped the mixing meds just drinks beer but still gets pissed and he adamant he is fine , im.sorry your going through it , its very stressful and leaving is optional for sure but there's a whole life to think about its not easy just wished he would stop all together as in the day he is perfect