Gone too far this evening - advice please

[advent25]

A local evening out with DH has escalated - and I’m not sure how we go back from this . for context both in our 40s with two children (one with SEN - I am main carer). I also work full time and carry majority of mental load for household.

For background there is history with DH excessive drinking and this has ramped up again this last few months - he’s been unhappy at work which I have been supportive of as I have some understanding of the industry. About the drink - I’ve said there is a tipping point for me & that more support is needed and he has agreed to counselling only last week but done nothing about it yet..I feel it’s lip service as this is ongoing. He is also on medication for depression which clearly won’t be helped by the drink .

So tonight he seemed to want to pick a fight when we got home - as I wanted to go home earlier than he did - it was almost midnight and we both have work today and needed to get home to our children. He was very nasty and kept insulting me - said I was ‘boring’ and ‘no fun ‘ and I had changed since we got together in our 20s!! For clarity I stood my ground , didn’t get emotional and asked what point he was trying to make etc as I’m generally happy with our lives and always the one to arrange stuff for us to do as a couple or family.,

This is against a backdrop of several nights out / drinking until early hours for him and Christmas parties etc in recent weeks so not as if he has gone without in terms of fun etc . I’m also not sleeping well at all which is partly due to the ongoing stress of all this but also that he is well aware of.

For added context over indulgence at Christmas has been an issue for several years and has caused family arguments - there is history of of problematic drinking for many years but I feel this has come to a head in that it’s now about my own boundaries of what I can live with as I know I can’t change it.

i would welcome advice please - this is a 20 year relationship and we are generally in love so I thought but after tonight don’t feel he even likes me. Married for many years. Enjoy each others company (so I thought ) if we could take the issue of excessive drinking away but also know I can’t make the change.

And would add, no point trying to engage or discuss anything with anyone who is drunk, especially if they are a problem drinker. They dont know what they are saying or why and its a total waste of your energy.

Only someone who has no direct experience of alcoholism or recovery would say this.

He gives up the booze and seeks treatment or he moves out.

In the meantime don’t go on nights out with him which involve any alcohol at all.

…Showing precisely the entitlement and lack of responsibility underpinning the mentality of an alcoholic.

OP do not set yourself and your children alight to keep an alcoholic warm.

You didn’t cause it, and you can’t cure it. If he had any interest in controlling his drinking he would make tha appointment- but he doesn’t, so he hasn’t. That’s the message being sent to you.

It's been almost a year since I left my ex with his alcohol issues. I too was labelled "boring" and was accused of changing etc. (No shit, we had a kid!).

I'm a lot busier but I feel physically lighter not carrying resentment with me, I have more energy and I'm in control of mine and my daughter's life. She won't grow up seeing alcohol abuse.

I don't say this lightly, but I would leave. I was with my ex for 11 years and I still have some sort of love towards him, we're still friends, but he was (still is) destroying his own life and health and was willing to take us down with him.

1000% this

we all tried , but in the end , it gets too much and our own happiness and mental health needs to be thought about

He needs to go to inpatient rehab and follow up with aa, I'd be giving him an ultimatum. It's horrible for you and your kids to live in this atmosphere. Christmas is often difficult for alcoholics . It's even more difficult for the people who live with them . You need support too

Alcoholism is an illness but it does not mean you have to care for anyone in its wake.
I am watching a family close to me in turmoil.
The alcoholic in question (who is also my friend) has been to private rehab this year which used every penny of the family’s money.
They walked out of rehab into a pub. They recently been to an NHS detox facility. Walked out straight into a pub.
My friend’s mum is elderly. My mate has had to leave their own family home and now a lady close to 90 is being terrorised with it all.
I have had alcoholism in my family it destroyed my mother’s young life.
The only way an alcoholic can recover is if they choose to, and then it’s a lifelong job.
OP here is already doing enough by working full time and looking after two kids, one with SEN.
Her husband is an alcoholic and chooses alcohol over her and those children.
I have every sympathy that it’s a disease. I am in recovery and have been now for a decade. But people enabling you and babysitting you is part of the problem. As long as you have the resources and care to keep on drinking/using/gambling you will keep doing it.
You stop caring how it affects others. It is a disease but it is a selfish, destructive act where only you and getting drunk/high matter.
Addicts will see their own kids go without food.
This man might not seem like one, yet. But if he has to drink and cannot stop at any given point, then he’s an alcoholic.
Even if someone does get sober, they often then replace the addiction with AA. Which is great. But then as a spouse/partner you almost have to lose them to AA. It’s a tough gig.
Nobody should have to provide care unless the addict makes a decision to care and sticks to it completely.

This made very uncomfortable reading for me as I know my DH could have written it about me at one point.

I no longer drink at all but it was a long process before I realised myself that I was allowing alcohol to cause major problems for me.

I'd give him an ultimatum. He needs to stop.

I work in recovery services and it’s utterly heartbreaking watching people/families tear themselves apart trying to “fix” someone who drinks too much.

You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. He needs to want support or it’s pointless.

I can recommend Annie the safe parent on Insta. She talks a lot of sense, but as a trigger warning, she does discuss suicide.

How about her owes it to her & the kids to get help?

I remember the moment when I realised my partner's drinking was making the relationship an overall negative - he went off to Glastonbury and I just really enjoyed him not being around for those days.

Luckily when I told him how I felt he admitted he knew he was drinking too much.

He changed jobs, cut down dramatically and thirty years and one daughter later we're still together.

So it can work, but only if the partner is willing to accept responsibility.

Thank you to all who have replied and I think it’s firmed up what I already knew. What has changed is that I know I can no longer tolerate this.

i know i would have been better to walk away from the conversation last night as it’s only made me feel a hundred times worse.

for clarity I don’t drink much or v often at all. Our children haven’t seen or heard any of these recent issues but I agree if this was to continue it would be damaging . As I said this is new in terms of the ramp up over the last few weeks - but drinking to excess has been a feature on other occasions - but sporadically - not weekly or monthly etc

Ultimately he's not happy. Whether that's work you, the kids, whatever.

People either recognise that sometimes life will be bumpy and choose to find the joy in life e.g. doing stuff with kids and muddling through, or they let it consume them.

Your choice is really how far you follow him down this path.

He's been a problem drinker for years, not getting could selling, not changing job but instead drinking and raving that his life isn't what he wants and how its all your fault (or works fault or someone else's fault).

Drinking might be his coping mechanism but he's not proactively managing his life alongside.

Breaking up is always a hard choice but it is a choice and it's the only one you really have around his behaviour. You can't make him change. You can change being around him.

Sorry that still leaves you in shit situation xx

Please don’t blame yourself by saying you should have walked away. Why shouldn’t you stand your ground? It’s his behaviour and response to you which is the issue.

Im glad you’ve got to the point of feeling you’ve had enough. Unfortunately he had an alcohol problem and unless he gets help nothing will change.

My heart goes out to you. 20 years is a big investment you’ve made, not easy to give up on. BUT.. the treatment (abuse) you describe is intolerable. SO.. lay your cards on the table - preferably after Christmas so you can try to enjoy it - either he goes for AA counselling beginning of January, stops drinking alcohol completely, otherwise you are leaving. Full stop. No half measures. No accidentally falling off the wagon. No begging for forgiveness. You are young enough to get an enjoyable life back on your own if he doesn’t respect you enough to share it. Start planning now.

I was in a fairly similar sounding marriage, child with undiagnosed difficulties, working full time, he always drinking, verbally subside, intimidating, gaslighting, and spending his money on himself and going out . We were always glad he was out! Christmas used to be an excuse for him to drink almost to oblivion two weeks straights. He would refuse to accept he needed to attend AA or any counselling. We’d been married 28 years. His unhappiness presumably deepened as his volatility got worse and one even he attacked our 13yo daughter and pinned her to settee while screaming in her face. she retaliated by kicking him in the stomach. That was the final straw. Divorce was a hurdle but me and DC are now not scared, are happy and in a calm new environment.

What I'm trying to express is that if he doesn’t get counselling or therapy and reduce his drinking, yourhusband might seriously over the step the line and mentally or physically injure you or your DC. He’s probably hoping you’ll ask him to leave,so he can escape without it being his fault(!).

Best wishes and good luck.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very unfair. Alcoholics are so selfish. I know that you think that your children have not witnessed any of this etc, trust me they have and it’s very very damaging for them. They pick up on the mood of the household and the feelings of their parents. I know this from personal experience.

At present he’s a danger to you and the children. He has no control over alcohol and is unpredictable.

I personally would tell him he has to remove himself from the home.

some of my worst childhood memories are of Christmas’s like this

@Arcticienne the beginning of January is too late honey, he needs to go right now. They’re are meetings going on literally hourly in some areas, daily in most.

Is there a possibility he has SEND too op? Self medicating for his ADHD?

All the best to you OP. Don't blame yourself for refusing to confront the problem in your marriage last night. You can't keep living your life walking on eggshells because your DH has an alcohol problem.

How you deal with it and the consequence of accepting your husband has a serious addiction is something you need to deal with in your own time.

There is nothing anyone else can do to help an alcoholic recover.

You can pour away all the alcohol in the house, stop their access to money so they can't buy any more, and drive them to the door of an AA meeting twice a day - none of that will help if they don't want to stop.
They will beg borrow or steal to carry on drinking. They will hide the alcohol they get hold of and swear blind that they haven't had a drink.
It is hopeless trying to control an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop.

I really feel for you OP. Some good advice on here. You can’t control what he does, only what you do.

You can’t fix him, only he can seek support to quit. And to do that he needs to want to quit, and it doesn’t sound like he does. So focus now on yourself and kids. Get support yourself. Put your energy in what you can do. There are alcohol support services for spouses and families in your situation, seek them out, today.

He’s on a downward spiral and it’s heartbreaking to witness it, because you love him. But he loves the booze more, and you and your kids deserve better.

Good alcohol support threads on MN, read them, many in your shoes who can advise.🌺

While his wife is "helping" him to recover he doesn't seen to want to do anything to help himself. She doesn't owe him anything.

Does he look in on the kids when he comes back from drinking? I guarantee they are already aware or will be very soon. My DF was like your DP. It definitely messed me up in my teen years. I’d pretend to be asleep.