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Original poster

Gone too far this evening - advice please

110 replies

advent25 · 23/12/2025 01:57

A local evening out with DH has escalated - and I’m not sure how we go back from this . for context both in our 40s with two children (one with SEN - I am main carer). I also work full time and carry majority of mental load for household.

For background there is history with DH excessive drinking and this has ramped up again this last few months - he’s been unhappy at work which I have been supportive of as I have some understanding of the industry. About the drink - I’ve said there is a tipping point for me & that more support is needed and he has agreed to counselling only last week but done nothing about it yet..I feel it’s lip service as this is ongoing. He is also on medication for depression which clearly won’t be helped by the drink .

So tonight he seemed to want to pick a fight when we got home - as I wanted to go home earlier than he did - it was almost midnight and we both have work today and needed to get home to our children. He was very nasty and kept insulting me - said I was ‘boring’ and ‘no fun ‘ and I had changed since we got together in our 20s!! For clarity I stood my ground , didn’t get emotional and asked what point he was trying to make etc as I’m generally happy with our lives and always the one to arrange stuff for us to do as a couple or family.,

This is against a backdrop of several nights out / drinking until early hours for him and Christmas parties etc in recent weeks so not as if he has gone without in terms of fun etc . I’m also not sleeping well at all which is partly due to the ongoing stress of all this but also that he is well aware of.

For added context over indulgence at Christmas has been an issue for several years and has caused family arguments - there is history of of problematic drinking for many years but I feel this has come to a head in that it’s now about my own boundaries of what I can live with as I know I can’t change it.

i would welcome advice please - this is a 20 year relationship and we are generally in love so I thought but after tonight don’t feel he even likes me. Married for many years. Enjoy each others company (so I thought ) if we could take the issue of excessive drinking away but also know I can’t make the change.

OP posts:
Mrswhiskers87 · 23/12/2025 07:26

DonutsWin · 23/12/2025 03:41

I was that alcoholic arsehole.
After 43 years of heavy drinking, I joined an online AA group in the USA - “Zoo Crew 22”.

It saved my life, I haven’t picked up a drink since and that was 627 days ago. But your husband has to do this himself, otherwise he will resent being forced to do it.

Congratulations on 627 days of sobriety.

Ritaskitchen · 23/12/2025 07:29

Mid life crisis?

cloudtreecarpet · 23/12/2025 07:29

abracadabra1980 · 23/12/2025 02:38

I lived with this for years and the situation eventually sorted itself out as the drinking prompted an affair. 20 years together too, which seems to be quite pivotal in relationships on Mumsnet. The peace of mind I have now in free of all of his shit is awesome and also - my insomnia resolved.

Same experience.

Looking back, drink caused so many upsets and problems in our relationship and marriage from day one. When we met we both loved a drink but I grew out of it when kids came along, he never did.

But my experience is also that he has to want to stop, you asking makes no difference.
My exH doesn't drink at all now and has expressed his regret over how things turned out but he had to ruin everything before getting to that realisation.

Marinetrained · 23/12/2025 07:32

As you say there's nothing you can do. He's a problem drinker and has no intention of fixing that. You either want to live in the shadow of his drinking or you don't

This. People who want to overcome any issue in their life, let alone addiction, have to be highly motivated to do so, and then have the discipline and resolve to stick at it.

Cajoling people to go to addiction services, or counselling, doesn’t really work. They have to want to be there and want to put the work in.

Your H appears to still think heavy drinking is ‘fun’. He’s not there yet.

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:33

abracadabra1980 · 23/12/2025 02:38

I lived with this for years and the situation eventually sorted itself out as the drinking prompted an affair. 20 years together too, which seems to be quite pivotal in relationships on Mumsnet. The peace of mind I have now in free of all of his shit is awesome and also - my insomnia resolved.

Hopefully you having the affair! @abracadabra1980

soddingspiderseason · 23/12/2025 07:36

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:20

These poor children. Their family home soaked in booze with two warring parents. What kind of a childhood are they enduring?

Unnecessary guilt tripping.

LaraLiving · 23/12/2025 07:38

Not blaming you in the slightest. But in the sprit of saying why you can do,

He does not respect you.
and if you don’t respect yourself you aren’t helping the situation.

this does not sound like “in love” this sounds like a barely functioning alcoholic

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:38

soddingspiderseason · 23/12/2025 07:36

Unnecessary guilt tripping.

Show quote history

I really don’t give a fig.
The Op doesn’t even mention the impact on the children

Whatwillbewilbe · 23/12/2025 07:48

This will be affecting your children and will form childhood memories that won’t leave them. I grew up in a household where my parents were heavy drinkers and I still think about it - I’m in my sixties. Please, at least for the sake of the children if not yourself, get out of this situation. You have a choice, your children don’t.

Loubelou71 · 23/12/2025 07:49

I know you say you are generally in love but sounds like you tolerate each other. He doesn't seem to like or respect you. That's no basis for a marriage. I couldn't live like that. Mine used to be horrible to me. Was like a weight had lifted when I ended it. Life is too short to be treated badly.

Alondra · 23/12/2025 07:51

DallazMajor · 23/12/2025 05:56

Ultimatums rarely work with addicts. Especially ones who project the issue onto their loved ones and make out that it’s them who are boring etc.

Tell him to go and get pissed somewhere else. You’ve got enough to contend with.

This. OP, your husband is an alcoholic, and a drink is his best friend. The addiction changes personalities, characters and people. It's the hardest legal drug still sold today with few limitations except being of a legal age

Ultimatums don't work. The only thing that works is your DH understanding he has an addiction problem, and needs to get help. Being treated as a depressive with the medication for depression is going to exacerbate the problem. He needs to be honest with his GP (which is the difficult part with alcoholics because they always try to hide the addiction) to get the right medication to help him deal with the worst of the withdrawal.

Most of all, he's an addict and until he understands he needs help, nothing you do will work.

Thinking of you.

DaisyChain505 · 23/12/2025 07:52

Why do you work full time, also give the main care to your SEN child and also have the majority of the mental load and housework?

soddingspiderseason · 23/12/2025 07:54

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:38

I really don’t give a fig.
The Op doesn’t even mention the impact on the children

Show quote history

and you gave no evidence whatsoever that she and her partner are “warring”. I’m sure she is very concerned about the impact on her children, and this type of comment is yet more guilt tripping.

Spanador · 23/12/2025 07:55

soddingspiderseason · 23/12/2025 07:36

Unnecessary guilt tripping.

Show quote history

It's true though, and something OP needs to think about. DH grew up in a very similar situation with his parents, and no matter how well they think they hid it from him he was aware of much more than they realised and it had a massive effect on him

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:55

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Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 07:55

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Dozer · 23/12/2025 07:56

‘You’ve changed’ and ‘you’re boring’ are from a classic script from people with addictions.

Netcam · 23/12/2025 08:01

Of course you've changed since you got together in your 20s, you are now a responsible parent with children, this is what happens when we grow up and he needs to as well. I had an ex like this and that is why he's an ex.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2025 08:06

HelmholtzWatson · 23/12/2025 05:54

YANBU but alcohol addiction is an illness, so you owe it to your partner to do your best to help them recover, just as you would with any other serious illness.

OP doesn’t owe her partner a damn thing. What a misogynistic post. OP can’t make him seek treatment or influence his recovery - that’s the choice he has to make for himself. And ultimately, how he handles it will affect OP’s choice as to whether she stays to support him, or puts herself and her children first, and leaves.

roadrunnerbeepbeep · 23/12/2025 08:06

Sounds like he's nasty when drunk. (Adult child of an alcoholic here so recognize the signs). He's unlikely to change without giving up the booze as any resolution between you will be undone every time he drinks.
For me, I would need him to stop drinking or walk away.

LaraLiving · 23/12/2025 08:07

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2025 08:06

OP doesn’t owe her partner a damn thing. What a misogynistic post. OP can’t make him seek treatment or influence his recovery - that’s the choice he has to make for himself. And ultimately, how he handles it will affect OP’s choice as to whether she stays to support him, or puts herself and her children first, and leaves.

Show quote history

Agree

soddingspiderseason · 23/12/2025 08:07

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Read it again. And trying to guilt trip people who are asking for advice is not acceptable.

Penguinsandspaniels · 23/12/2025 08:10

So he picked an argument. Drinks too much and often does

You can choose to stay or leave

yes breaking up and divorcing is hard but you deserve to be happy

maybe read this thread

eventually enough is enough for us on it

drinkers sadly don’t change unless they want to and seems you dh doesn’t

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3 | Mumsnet

Link to previous thread here: [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol<u>support/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-el...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Abittrumpy · 23/12/2025 08:13

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Kagoule · 23/12/2025 08:16

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t want to stop. Perhaps also he couldn’t if he tried; but he doesn’t want to.

He can’t even see how deeply wrong and unfair he is to accuse you of being “no fun” when you are the one carrying the whole family. He expects you to be the same as you were in your 20s? He’s either a fool or he is fooling himself. A drunken middle aged man is an embarrassment and a cause for concern. It’s not “a larf” any more.

Has he stopped to think what life would be like for your kids if you decided to go out drinking several nights a week and stopped holding the family together?

Of course you love the man you married and wish the alcohol problem could be taken out of the equation so you could have sight of what life would be like if he were sober. But it isn’t possible. And you can’t single-handedly save him from himself; he has to decide to do it. It’s not about you controlling his life. It’s about you finding a way to live the best life you can with your kids. And sadly that best life might not be possible with your dh .