Men going to thailand

[Dontbenasty]

A recently retired man I know, with a sibling, elderly mother and his own children has started to go to Thailand regularly to see friends and now has a “relationship” with a “bar girl” who he now wants to introduce to his family. His original meeting with this woman was transactional. His family want nothing to do with the woman and have warned him he is being groomed. He has now defaulted on Xmas plans as family members have kept their boundaries and fortunately the visa hasn’t gone through for the much younger woman . Xmas was due to be at his house as it was his turn leaving his sibling ti host and be responsible for the elderly mother whilst he continues long periods in Thailand. Using google to translate he keeps the relationship alive whilst he is in England. He says he is in love. Jibes have already been made at his expense in social gatherings. The sibling is standing firm and doesn’t have the energy to communicate or warn him any more of the consequences.
she moved to be nearer him and he’s now suggesting he will spend 6+ months abroad. Their mother is so sad this is breaking the family up. The mother has also twigged this isn’t a “normal” relationship. The kids just want to keep their relationship with their father so the sibling is missing out on family gatherings as she thinks this will condone his behaviour. Advice for the sibling please

If anything he is a groomer.

I was exposed to a poorer culture where marrying a rich older man from abroad it is genuinely seen as a route out of poverty. The women talk about it among themselves like the story of a handsome prince from children’s fairytales except they are typically unattractive, older, unmatchable at home with misogynistic and narcissistic tendencies so they are no one’s Prince Charming.

There is absolutely no way they would be choosing this life if they were not desperate. The men are the ones with the choices, the men are the groomers.

Yes, I'm sure looking for a route to a better life is often a huge motivator. I'm not sure whose position you think you are disagreeing with here.

The idea I was pushing back on was that it was racist for another poster to suggest she may have fallen in love. The supposed proof being the very odd claim that British women are incapable of falling in love with middle-aged lechers. It was such a weird argument.

This. Possibly of the same type that Tommy Robinson target, ironically, who hate brown male immigrants, will happily allow a subservient Asian lady look after all of their needs in old age. It's transactional obviously and there is unlikely to be any real love, but this doesn't mean he is being groomed when he has all of the power and money.

Thank you. Based on OP’s first post, he is not the victim here.

Lol at him being vulnerable or groomed when he's literally a sex tourist!

I'm pretty sure that 'cheap' is the last thing it'll be.

He's a dirty old git and I wouldn't be hosting him or this young woman for Christmas either 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think anybody has suggested that it never happens.

But it happens far less often that old lecherous British men are deemed attractive to young attractive British women. And there is a very obvious reason for that.

Calling posters racist for observing that (as the other PP did) is just odd.

I'd query who is grooming who here.

Yes, I think we agree, on that bit at least.

I read the earlier poster as saying it could never happen, and racist to suggest it could. If that wasn't what they meant then fair enough.

I don't think it's racist to observe in either direction (i.e. not racist to say it might be love, and not racist to say it's likely money. Also, those two get tangled up all the time, and it's not some moral failing to observe that either).

I don't think many of us are unaware of 'bar girls' - just pointing out the old geezer is also a groomer in these situations.

The girls are not necessarily out to fleece these men - some are actually looking for a way out of poverty and a better life, and who could blame them.

so its their business as you have said this attitude just allows disgusting old creeps to do as they please

we could say the same for relationship where adults who have capacity to make choices are concerned

but thankfully many of us will not turn a blind eye to young people or people who are in desperate situations being exploited and because of this many of the younger generation see the exploitation and have very different opinions of what is morally right and what is abuse of power

That's not what I typed. I know, cos I was here when I typed it.

I typed: [i]t naturally follows that they're exactly as incapable of falling in love with middle-aged lechers as British women, too.

Chopping sentences in half changes their meaning, you know. I did not quantify British or Thai women's degree of (in)capability for falling in love with middle-aged lechers. That was all you.

Did you not notice that I was replying to a poster who said of Thai women, they are perfectly capable of falling in love just like everyone else is?

Perhaps I have been too oblique though. This man is a sex tourist, and his original meeting with this woman was "transactional". We have that in the opening post.

Why is this man travelling the globe to pay for sex, investing both time and money to do so? Could it possibly be because no women here in his preferred age range find him attractive?

Yes, dear reader, it very much could be because of that. So this isn't a love story; this is a British misogynist who has travelled to a country where his money has more power to outweigh his personality. Honestly, good luck to the woman.

Yes let's not disagree on semantics or muddy the water with how badly the women are or aren't being treated (this will vary). Fundamentaly what we are discussing here is the phenomenon of inadequate at home Western men (be that in terms of personality, looks, wealth, status or a combination) who struggle with relationships with women from their home countries using their disproportionate buying power and a fundamental power imbalance to get companionship and/or sex from non-western women (and let's not forget there is often a fetishistic component at play - 'submissive' Asian women who will agree to certain sexual practices and won't embarrass the man by out earning him). The degree of vulnerability of the women - at best a power imbalance, at worse, extremely vulnerable sex-trafficked young girls (and boys), will vary. We should pity such men, as well as laugh at them, but whilst there are no laws against it (which would be up to Thailand, African countries etc to implement), nobody can stop them from being pathetic. Sex tourism is disgusting, as are the men (and few women) that do it, but it's not illegal, unfortunately, and the OPs family can't stop the brother from indulging in it. They can despise him for it though.

On the first part of your post: yes, you were replying to someone who said Thai women are perfectly capable of falling in love just like everyone else is. Your post was clearly meant as a rebuttal to that post, not some delphic utterance we can only guess the meaning of.

On the latter part of your post: I agree it's pretty likely that's what's going on.

So should his family be shunning him until he agrees to part ways with her and finds a partner his own age they all approve of? I certainly don't think it's fantastic. It's grim. I just don't see how you can stop him doing it?

I'd tell him he's a pervy git but I probably wouldn't refuse to speak to him over it.

I have not said anything about stopping him

I do not particularly like my dads wife so its not about approving its about supporting men to carry on buying woman when you have the attitude its their business you are turning a blind eye to the exploitation of desperate women

I certainly wouldn't dream of supporting it. So I think we're in agreement.

Fools and their money - soon parted.

At least she's an adult. Lots of men go on solo trips to Thailand for worse reasons than that.

The thing is, they think they are the only man in her life but as soon as he has gone home, another visits him. Of course they all send her money.

Advice is he’s going to have to spend a fortune on her coming here and pay for everything like nhs treatment. Op the sibling can’t do much so should either accept it or go no contact and tell him one more time he is being taken advantage of but if he wants to let them goodbye bro.

I hope she rinses him for every penny. Disgusting old man.

Ok I lived in Thailand for a time.
I met many a thai woman who were bar girls and married foreign men.
I rented a beautiful huge villa off a lovely thai lady in her mid 50s. Very beautiful woman on her 5th foreign husband. She was extremely wealthy from all this husbanding.
I met some young women jusy starting out getting their foreign husbands.
It is transactional. Both parties are usually happy with the arrangement.
The man funds her lifestyle, she acts like the perfect wife or girlfriend.
Its weird to me but usually consenting adults quite happy with their transactionam relationship.

Nothing you can do. My FIL married a Thai lady been 20 years plus now. No we weren’t happy but he wouldn’t find a British born wife that put up with him….. she is very nice, drinks a lot but I don’t blame her.

In short, he's a dirty old man. Yuk. Do not appraoch not even with a ten foot bargepole.