I am hating Christmas this year

[TheGrinchWasHere]

Just a general moan about Christmas and the way things have worked out. No pity needed and I am well aware that I don’t have to accept any of it but it is the way the things have turned out. I am happily married. My DH is my best friend and we have a wonderful full life. Our extended family pressure and responsibility is wearing me thin and I’ve decided that New Year is my favorite time of the year as that is when this pretend family bullshit can end and my husband and I can get back to living the life we love, running our business and doing what we want. A quick summary (may not be quick but I need to get it off my chest)

1. My DH has children. They are young adults who are busying themselves with the business of growing up and each of them are with their respective other half families this year.
2. my DH has a brother who is mentally impaired from a brain tumor. He is well enough though to expect to be a part of our Christmas plans. He receives no social assistance as we live in a country where this does not exist. He gambled away everything he owned and we fully support him financially. My DH is wracked with guilt about just leaving him in his care home. BiL is in adult diapers mostly out of laziness, has limited mobility, is obese and is belligerent. He fights with the staff at the care home so only bathes when he feels like it. He stinks and I’m now expected to have this person at my Christmas table.
3. BIL has a daughter 24 who does nothing for her father. She too is expecting to be at our Christmas table as her way of easing the guilt and responsibility of seeing her father over Christmas. Can’t be bothered unless it’s orchestrated by us.
4. My parents live near us and will be here too. They have in the last few years moved to my country and I am there only child here while my siblings live in the UK. I am tired of being the only person they have. I moved away 20 years ago because I chased what made me happy and have made a very happy life for myself without having family on my doorstep. My dad is negative and doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone and my mom is so desperate for us to be a picture perfect family of ‘besties’ that she cannot see the stress the rest of the above puts on me and my desire to just be left the hell alone. This time of year is the only time my DH and I have to chill away from work and I’m constantly getting poked and prodded about what ‘we’ are all going to do with these free days.

I wish I had a Time Machine to jump to 1 Jan.

Rant over.

Sounds like an unpleasant family
So surely every Christmas is a bit shit

it sounds like you are resenting having all your freedom to choose taken away by people who only bring you down. It’s not really what people love about Christmas and I totally get why you are fed up. If they billed Christmas as a time of family obligations and suffering then maybe it wouldn’t sting so much.
Can you reframe new year in your mind as the absolute high point of the year, and stop making any effort at Christmas beyond feeding these people a nice dinner?

There was a time when the kids were younger and BiL wasn’t such a pain in the arse and there was some other extended family around that Christmas wasn’t like this. Or years where we would join my family in the UK and the responsibility to make sure everyone was entertained and had something to do didn’t fall on me solely.

The years have worn me down. My parents have become for dependent and my BiL is obviously an issue.

So for years it’s been shit.
You need to change things up then
do you have children?

OP, I'm not surprised you're hating Christmas. I'm just posting to say that I empathise. Moving forward, this would be the last Christmas I would be putting up with BIL and his daughter. Maybe next year, you & DH could spend it just the two of you, and see other family members on one of the days either side of Christmas Day. I wouldn't be hosting them all day, either - just invite them round for a mince pie (or whatever the equivalent is where you live) and exchange gifts, or better still, pop into see them.

Probably the last 2 or 3 years.

No children of my own. And this isn’t an issue.

I understand how it would make Christmas easier to be about them and not everyone else so this may be the only time of the year I have any regrets.

I suggested that next year Christmas in the UK may be on the cards for us and my dad very quickly said he will never spend another Christmas in the cold. I didn’t have an answer at the time but I am going to tell him that if doesn’t get his head around the idea then he better get his head around the idea of being alone because I’m not doing this every year.

Next year do YOU!

Maybe read up on brain injury? I very much doubt your brother-in-law is being lazy or belligerent on purpose.

There is a massive back story here. Too much for this thread.
I understand the brain injury as we are my BILs sole carers and providers due to life choices in his 50 years on this earth.

Doesn’t take away from the fact that I am not equipped to deal with an adult who needs diapers changed, who needs to be fed and someone who stinks and doesn’t bathe. You can read as much animosity into this as you want, there is just more to the story.

Maybe your BILs daughter needs to step up. My now deceased brother has a daughter that acted like baggage too. She’s 24 now and isn’t brain damaged so she needs to start looking after her dad at Xmas to give you guys a break. Next year go on holiday.

So bil ,did something you disagree with or was reckless and had an accident that caused a brain injury.
Plenty of people go skiing ,have an accident get injured,or ride a motorbike have a crash ,get permanently injured..same for car crash , getting drunk having an accident.
Sounds like you blame him for his injury
Your husband sounds like a lovely caring guy your bil is lucky to have him .
My eldest has autism,when I'm dead he will need to go in somewhere to be looked after.
My middle son will definitely 100% leave in in the care home on Christmas day .
So yeah you have a lovely husband
Op I hope your Christmas is better than you are expecting.i hope someone does something nice for you xxx ..it's very kind of you to host and feed people you don't really want to x

Actually
Why are you expected to change his underwear when he has soiled himself
Your husband must do this ,as he is his relative

I missed this bit of information when I posted about my son
It's not the same situation at all
No op you absolutely should not be having to do this .I completely agree with you ..in which case maybe he would of been better left in the home with carers to change him when needed

I’m confused. You say BIL is mentally impaired from a brain tumour, but also that it was down to his life choices? Also, you’re his sole carers, but he’s in a care home?

Either way, it sounds shit. You need to start looking after yourselves. You’re not his parents.

Anyone thinking op is planning a dehydrated mushroom infused gravy?

My friends have a whole family situation and had enough. They’ve booked a week’s holiday over Xmas. Flying out today, back before NY. Told everyone to sort themselves and are seeing people on a random day that works for them with zero pressure. Could you do that next year?

Don't be mean.

Say no. It's not your brother. Either your husband helps him or paid help.

I’d ask the home and DN to please make sure BIL has had a wash before he arrives as you know he battles with hygiene. They can deal with that, or not.

Come January, let everyone know that you will be making your own plans for 2026 and they should act accordingly rather than be disappointed nearer the time - or do the “big day” just you and DH and any of his sons if that is on the cards, and everyone else can be a visit / mince pies on the 24th situation.

I remember your other threads.

Op is paying thousands for bils care.
He is by all accounts a total nightmare and was one pre brain injury too.
Alcohol was a key factor iirc
While its easy to say " ohhh its not his fault" the lived reality is much harder. I certainly would be at my limit with it but be struggling because of my dh.

Ideally Dh needs to go early to collect him and have some kind of Mexican stand off and get him to wash but it probably wont happen. Ideally with some carers , although iirc he doesnt have carers.

Re your parents and father I dont understand this conversation flow but you clearly dont like / love your parents.
me: Dh and I are thinking of spending next xmas in UK
Df: its too cold. I wont go.
Me: thats fine. I wasnt talking about you. I was talking about my plans.

If it is the same poster tale my advice....

In jan/ Feb time find an "amazing deal" and book a long haul winter break. When you find the dream holidayvthe price over xmas 26 will be "very good"

Be it ... Skiing, the beach, the Amazon jungle pick something...

Bil and his dd can spend it together, your parents have each other. It's one year etc...apart from once you break the cycle do it every year

Separately id start couples therapy electrically to have a space to navigate your bil.

@TheGrinchWasHere Is your DH taking on his share of the load this brings? Particularly with his brother. If the brother has capacity to expect you to host him at Christmas, surely he has capacity to understand that this is conditional on him being clean and pleasant? If not, why can’t that be part of your expectation of him (enforced by your husband)?

As for the rest of it, you guys are doing Christmas Day. Can’t that be the full extent of your families’ involvement? Is there a reason that in answer to all the “pokes and prods about all these free days” you cannot simply say, “We are just staying in our pyjamas and enjoying each other’s company for the remainder of the holiday, so that we can rest and recuperate” (or whatever activity you’d actually like to be doing)?

I don't blame BIL's daughter at all @TheGrinchWasHere ,

You could leave your DH, but you'd still have your parents..

I’m so sorry you have this situation OP it sounds very difficult . The standout for me is that I would not have your bil stinking / soiled at the dinner table no matter his issues . His needs would be better fulfilled in his care home . As for your parents they can make their own arrangements as they would have to if they didn’t have children .

They all sound like a nightmare. Your parents following you over to your dream destination is frankly bizarre when you have other siblings back home. Was it always their calling too or are you evidently the favourite child?!

BIL sounds grim. Brain injury sure but you said he could go to the toilet but opts to wear nappies because he’s lazy? And doesn’t wash for the same reason? Really gross. Of course I wouldn’t want the smelly lazy git at my Christmas dinner table either.

You need to just make a stand and say no in future years. You get one life, don’t waste it like this.

You sound very cold and selfish.