I am hating Christmas this year

[TheGrinchWasHere]

Just a general moan about Christmas and the way things have worked out. No pity needed and I am well aware that I don’t have to accept any of it but it is the way the things have turned out. I am happily married. My DH is my best friend and we have a wonderful full life. Our extended family pressure and responsibility is wearing me thin and I’ve decided that New Year is my favorite time of the year as that is when this pretend family bullshit can end and my husband and I can get back to living the life we love, running our business and doing what we want. A quick summary (may not be quick but I need to get it off my chest)

1. My DH has children. They are young adults who are busying themselves with the business of growing up and each of them are with their respective other half families this year.
2. my DH has a brother who is mentally impaired from a brain tumor. He is well enough though to expect to be a part of our Christmas plans. He receives no social assistance as we live in a country where this does not exist. He gambled away everything he owned and we fully support him financially. My DH is wracked with guilt about just leaving him in his care home. BiL is in adult diapers mostly out of laziness, has limited mobility, is obese and is belligerent. He fights with the staff at the care home so only bathes when he feels like it. He stinks and I’m now expected to have this person at my Christmas table.
3. BIL has a daughter 24 who does nothing for her father. She too is expecting to be at our Christmas table as her way of easing the guilt and responsibility of seeing her father over Christmas. Can’t be bothered unless it’s orchestrated by us.
4. My parents live near us and will be here too. They have in the last few years moved to my country and I am there only child here while my siblings live in the UK. I am tired of being the only person they have. I moved away 20 years ago because I chased what made me happy and have made a very happy life for myself without having family on my doorstep. My dad is negative and doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone and my mom is so desperate for us to be a picture perfect family of ‘besties’ that she cannot see the stress the rest of the above puts on me and my desire to just be left the hell alone. This time of year is the only time my DH and I have to chill away from work and I’m constantly getting poked and prodded about what ‘we’ are all going to do with these free days.

I wish I had a Time Machine to jump to 1 Jan.

Rant over.

Definitely tell everyone in early 2026 that you and DH are on holiday over next Xmas. Then do that every year

Not remotely selfish enough!

your DH can visit your brother in the care home, they will be doing a lovely Christmas dinner - no need for him to be in your house at all.

Don’t invite parents, you’re stuck with them this year - instead just WhatsApp in advance that Christmas is supposed to be a happier time so leave the negativity at home

The 24 year old I feel sorry for, she doesn’t really have a dad and should NOT be expected to do anything for him. It would be better if she was out living her own life - hopefully she will be grateful and helpful around the table. Make her an ally and get slightly pissed with her in the kitchen, rolling your eyes at the negative relies? That’s what me and my daughter would do if I was daft enough to get stuck with the lot you’ve been stuck with

You don't sound cold or selfish. Not even remotely. Your time and happiness is important too.

I totally agree!

Next Christmas you and dh go away

Not cold and selfish enough!

Goodness - these interactions sounds so confrontational.

Dad, I’m really struggling with Christmas stress. I know you’d rather the plans stayed the same, but that doesn’t work for us - so next year we will be going to the UK.

as for your BIL and his child… you need to ask your DH to grow a backbone and deal with this.

You don’t say one single thing your DH actually does

Shall the OP send him to you for lunch . Easy to criticise when it’s not you living the reality .

My dad is negative and doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone

Can’t be nice for anyone present

Thanks everyone. The BiL back story is long and complicated and whilst the brain tumor is not his fault, the resultant living in a care home with no wife, no money, no home, no support, strained relationship with his brother and myself and his daughter is all down to his life choices. The level of care and love you get when the chips are down is directly proportional to how you have lived your life to that point.

And yes, my husband will do his part of course. He is a good guy who has always stood up and done the right thing by his family in spite of sometimes being treated like crap. We are in it together. He with my family and me with his.

We have had a discussion with both my BIL and the nurses at the home about having a bath and being presentable but I fear it’s like talking to a wall. He says that he is always presentable. His reality and what he thinks of himself in his mind are not aligned.

We will not be here next Christmas.

1. **He stinks and I’m now expected to have this person at my Christmas table.
2. BIL has a daughter 24 who does nothing for her father. She too is expecting to be at our Christmas table as her way of easing the guilt and responsibility of seeing her father over Christmas. Can’t be bothered unless it’s orchestrated by us.

who does BIL’s daughter live with?

they have come in the past? Or the first Christmas?

You want to come to the UK,.. is that because you have other family here?

Also just had a breakfast with my parents so I can ease the pressure of ‘when are we going to see you?’

Topic we got onto was our new holiday home that is being built. Our retirement plan is to split our time between where we are now and this new property on the coast. My dad didn’t hear a single word about how things are going and only said ‘well, we will see less of you then I’m sure’. Gosh the pressure.

what an unpleasant man. Why subject yourself so regularly to him?

She is 24 and lives between her mother and her boyfriend’s home.

she has come to Xmas in the past and spent a significant amount of time with my BiL but since her dad has run his life into the ground, has gotten ill and basically not been very pleasant to be around we haven’t seen much of her and my BiL even less. She has been brought up well enough to have a conscience I think and I know her well enough to know that she feels seeing her dad on Xmas is a duty that she has to perform. If it weren’t for us providing the setting (which is way more acceptable than spending time with him in his care facility) she wouldn’t bother.

Yes my siblings and their spouses are in the UK. Where my parents have lived for 30 years prior to moving.

I’m not sure he is unpleasant. I think he has become self absorbed, cynical and dependent in his old age like a lot of older people. I think I’m just buckling under the pressure that it’s all on me. There is no one to share the emotional load with.

self absorbed, cynical

and only ever talks shit about people

yep, profoundly unpleasant in my eyes. I suspect your benchmark is pretty low having him as a father

Doesn’t take away from the fact that I am not equipped to deal with an adult who needs diapers changed, who needs to be fed and someone who stinks and doesn’t bathe.

you change your BIL’s nappy and feed him????

Thanks for that and it may be the case

I suspect that because I left home at 18 and then haven’t lived in the same country, let alone town as them since I was 21ish that my parents and I don’t really know each other very well.

How long ago did they move from the Uk to be near you?

Fuck no. Absolutely no.

Absolutely not.

But here is a person who requires this, coming to my home… who is going to do this? Not me for sure.

My poor DH is suspect is going to have to if needed.

His daughter certainly hasn’t thought it through.

Maybe I’m catastrophizing a situation that isn’t that bad? I don’t know. But having him at my table doesn’t exactly fit my picture of Christmas.

3 years ago

Having a brain injury isn’t something anyone chooses.

And if he’s that difficult, where one day spent with him is so bad, why would OP expect his daughter to be present throughout the year?

OP wants the Christmas SHE wants, which is fine if we all agree to be selfish and not moan throughout life when others are. But society doesn’t typically work well that way. Occasionally we have to put ourselves out for others.

Why not. I also think she needs to step up.

if anything she should be working out for herself how she is going to see her dad, not waiting for me and my Dh to make it easy and comfortable for her.

if she doesn’t want to see him then she should just say that. It’s like I’m facilitating the easing of her conscience.

And her parents moved, presumably because they love her. The mum wants to have a close connection and all op can seemingly think is how annoying she is and how much she loves her husband.

Do you struggle to connect with people OP? Does your own parents wellbeing not factor highly for you?