I am hating Christmas this year

[TheGrinchWasHere]

Just a general moan about Christmas and the way things have worked out. No pity needed and I am well aware that I don’t have to accept any of it but it is the way the things have turned out. I am happily married. My DH is my best friend and we have a wonderful full life. Our extended family pressure and responsibility is wearing me thin and I’ve decided that New Year is my favorite time of the year as that is when this pretend family bullshit can end and my husband and I can get back to living the life we love, running our business and doing what we want. A quick summary (may not be quick but I need to get it off my chest)

1. My DH has children. They are young adults who are busying themselves with the business of growing up and each of them are with their respective other half families this year.
2. my DH has a brother who is mentally impaired from a brain tumor. He is well enough though to expect to be a part of our Christmas plans. He receives no social assistance as we live in a country where this does not exist. He gambled away everything he owned and we fully support him financially. My DH is wracked with guilt about just leaving him in his care home. BiL is in adult diapers mostly out of laziness, has limited mobility, is obese and is belligerent. He fights with the staff at the care home so only bathes when he feels like it. He stinks and I’m now expected to have this person at my Christmas table.
3. BIL has a daughter 24 who does nothing for her father. She too is expecting to be at our Christmas table as her way of easing the guilt and responsibility of seeing her father over Christmas. Can’t be bothered unless it’s orchestrated by us.
4. My parents live near us and will be here too. They have in the last few years moved to my country and I am there only child here while my siblings live in the UK. I am tired of being the only person they have. I moved away 20 years ago because I chased what made me happy and have made a very happy life for myself without having family on my doorstep. My dad is negative and doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone and my mom is so desperate for us to be a picture perfect family of ‘besties’ that she cannot see the stress the rest of the above puts on me and my desire to just be left the hell alone. This time of year is the only time my DH and I have to chill away from work and I’m constantly getting poked and prodded about what ‘we’ are all going to do with these free days.

I wish I had a Time Machine to jump to 1 Jan.

Rant over.

If only you knew how often and how much we have put ourselves out for this man who now has no or a very distorted recollection of any of it …

So this is the first year this incontinent and severely disabled person is coming to your house.

I am surprised someone who is doubly incontinent and can’t even feed themselves is even able to come over without any support. Presumably he will have numerous mediations to take?

When does he arrive. It’s not to be his daughter changing his nappy so yes - your DH needs to brace himself and get the wet wipes in!!

sure my parents love me but they moved away from 2 out of 3 of their children because this 1 child could provide them with a roof over their head and financial security. So yes, I’m sure I’m loved but there were other reasons for the decision to move.

s. He receives no social assistance as we live in a country where this does not exist.

come again? He is doubly incontinent and can’t feed himself. So how does he survive?

in a care home. Is this not social assistance?

Can you get your husband to tell his brother, 'Have a shower or you can't come?' Get the daughter to re-enforce?

Probably too late for this year, but reassess this after Christmas Day and if you still feel the same way then next year invite none of them. Make it clear early on that you're not hosting Christmas in 2026. Your parents have each other. Your BIL and his daughter have each other. It's one day. Let yourself off the hook.

Why should she? What has he ever done for her? What kind of father has he been? She owes him nothing.
Your choices are your own. You don't have to invite him, or her. She doesn't need to pay back because you chose to do so. If you choose not to, she can make her own choices.

But she does not have to "step up and look after her dad for Xmas".

Again, fuck no.

He doesn’t believe that he ‘needs’ to wear the diapers, it’s for ‘just in case’ … bearing in mind I’ve just had a car wash added into his care home fees for an uber that he had an accident in.

He says he can feed himself but the state of his clothes tells a different story.

My opinion is that he is incontinent and cannot feed himself. There is a lot of subjective space between that he can do these things and he cannot.

Yep

This is weird
So he says he can feed himself
but his clothes are messy and suggest otherwise

Have you ever actually had him over for dinner before?

The care home fees are fully funded by ourselves. He needs us to survive. There is no state provided social assistance.

We took him out for his birthday to a burger place. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for the other diners in his vicinity.

Ok so you have seen him eat once
and on the basis of his clothes being messy, you conclude he can’t feed himself. Despite him insisting he can.

So you’re suggesting your dh is going to pin his arms down and feed him?

So you all think it’s ok for her to show up one day a year so she can spend time with her dad for Xmas if it’s provided for and organized by us. So we fetch him, ensure he is looked after and can manage the day and she just gets to rock up to tick her duty box as a good daughter …

She wouldnt join us otherwise…

I don’t know what you are on about. You’re going to have to take my word for it since I know him and you don’t.

Someone feeding the side of his face with a fork is not the same as being able to feed yourself even if you think you are able to do so.

I will leave you to it

But quite clearly…..

Feeling a bit crap too. I've spent about 400£ on adult DC but wanted to gift cash as well. I had saved a decent amount for xmas and for other things I need to pay for, but I went a bit wild buying gifts for extended family, Xmas outfits, lights and decs. Then I went on a 2 day bender buying loads of alcohol, and I'm ashamed to say it but I bought ridiculous amount of cocaine when I was with my friends the other day. I feel so ashamed of myself as that was money I could have gave to my kids, never mind I'm going to be skint till January. I've a few hundred in my bank account. I don't want to keep doing this. But my friends are doing it and I keep getting high and drunk with them. I don't know what to do other than cut them off or move away. Just feeling really deflated, hope I can get over it and have a happy Xmas Eve and day. I want to give myself a restart in the new year. I think I just find life so boring and it's so great to have a break. I'm going to join the gym and focus on getting fit and healthy. Just feel like a total idiot today. Just hate myself.

You can imply what you like. I know what we do for my BIL on a daily basis to make his life better than it would be if he had been left to his own devices and decisions. In fact, he would be dead.

I am struggling with being the sole provider of care, stability, finances, entertainment for a wider circle of family. It’s heavy.

I would love nothing more than for everyone else to pick up a bit of the weight and carry it, if not for me but for themselves so we don’t have to make sure everyone else is ok all the time.

You clearly have never experienced an adult with toddler level eating and self cleaning skills. It is cute when a 2 year old eats spaghetti with his fingers and ends up filthy. When it is an adult man who has forgotten about table manners and would just get angry to be reminded, it is not pleasant.

Sounds tough, could your DH and niece go and have Xmas lunch at the care home or visit him in the morning then come back?

Thank you.

I can absolutely understand your frustration and your points about your BIL are all perfectly valid, but I think you’re being too harsh on his daughter.

she is not coming to ‘ease her conscience’ she is coming because it is the only time there is a buffer between her and her dad, she probably hates it too, but feels incredibly guilty if she doesn’t attend an event that you have facilitated so she can be there.

she didn’t ask to be born, she should not have ANY responsibility for her dad, or his care because of his shit decisions in life, she is a victim of it, as you both are.

i think you feel annoyed because your DH assumes responsibility for him, and she doesn’t, your DH shouldn’t either IMO, financial responsibility is more than enough, but that is obviously the part that you can’t control, your DH is insisting on having him there and you don’t have any say in the matter, no wonder you are pissed off!

don't blame her for that.

I think that it is YOUR CHOICE to host him and invite her. She probably would rather be anywhere else but is under the impression you want her there and perhaps he enjoys it.
Since you clearly don't want either of them there, why not make a different choice and then let her make her own?

What's not ok is bitching about her because you don't like the choices you've made. You choosing to take on responsibility does not mean you to get to hand it to her.

They could. But she wouldn’t even consider it to be honest… they (BiL and her) have both just assumed that Xmas will be at ours and we can’t seem to be able to draw up the boundaries. How can I say, some people (my parents) are invited but you two are not?

My Dh and I have said that in all likelihood that this would be the last year simply because the level of care he needs can only be given from inside the facility.

About your step childre. Can I ask if they are going to their in-laws because of the situation at yours each year or do they have it with you some years? How far away do they live? Just wondering if the relationship is there to whether 2026 you book somewhere near to them and celebrate with them and their partners and families? I'm just wondering to the family dynamics on this side. Takes the stress off you a bit but doesn't quite come across as cold of abandoning everyone else if that makes sense.