I am hating Christmas this year

[TheGrinchWasHere]

Just a general moan about Christmas and the way things have worked out. No pity needed and I am well aware that I don’t have to accept any of it but it is the way the things have turned out. I am happily married. My DH is my best friend and we have a wonderful full life. Our extended family pressure and responsibility is wearing me thin and I’ve decided that New Year is my favorite time of the year as that is when this pretend family bullshit can end and my husband and I can get back to living the life we love, running our business and doing what we want. A quick summary (may not be quick but I need to get it off my chest)

1. My DH has children. They are young adults who are busying themselves with the business of growing up and each of them are with their respective other half families this year.
2. my DH has a brother who is mentally impaired from a brain tumor. He is well enough though to expect to be a part of our Christmas plans. He receives no social assistance as we live in a country where this does not exist. He gambled away everything he owned and we fully support him financially. My DH is wracked with guilt about just leaving him in his care home. BiL is in adult diapers mostly out of laziness, has limited mobility, is obese and is belligerent. He fights with the staff at the care home so only bathes when he feels like it. He stinks and I’m now expected to have this person at my Christmas table.
3. BIL has a daughter 24 who does nothing for her father. She too is expecting to be at our Christmas table as her way of easing the guilt and responsibility of seeing her father over Christmas. Can’t be bothered unless it’s orchestrated by us.
4. My parents live near us and will be here too. They have in the last few years moved to my country and I am there only child here while my siblings live in the UK. I am tired of being the only person they have. I moved away 20 years ago because I chased what made me happy and have made a very happy life for myself without having family on my doorstep. My dad is negative and doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone and my mom is so desperate for us to be a picture perfect family of ‘besties’ that she cannot see the stress the rest of the above puts on me and my desire to just be left the hell alone. This time of year is the only time my DH and I have to chill away from work and I’m constantly getting poked and prodded about what ‘we’ are all going to do with these free days.

I wish I had a Time Machine to jump to 1 Jan.

Rant over.

Except my BIL who is oblivious to how anyone feels.

Well to be fair - he does have what sounds like l fairly significant brain damage.

I can’t imagine how tense and unhappy this all just be for everyone.

are you close to your siblings? Does you dh have parents?

DH parents no longer with us which makes BIL is only relative (kids aside).
I am close enough to my siblings given that I’ve lived on a separate continent for good part of the last 20 years. We see each other every alternate year at least.

The daughter must really have no other option for Christmas Day if she’s joining what sounds like a joyless affair from start to finish.

Last Christmas you have to have your BIL, so focus on that!

In our family (with divorce and SC) my DH and his family (ie BIL) are German and so celebrate on Christmas Eve and then the kids celebrate with their mothers on Christmas Day. So his daughter will have nothing to do on Christmas Eve if she doesn’t spend it with her dad as that is what traditionally she has done before. Our kids have boyfriends and girlfriends now and so have other options which we are happy they exercise.

Gosh, the BIL sound like a real treat!
Too late for this year, OP. Grit your teeth, smile and get on with it. Make it nice for everyone.

But next year, you go away. Tell EVERYONE in January so they have 11 months to get their head round it and organise themselves.

I'd "get flu" at this point and cancel
As there is absolutely no way I would be putting up with that.
If that makes me cold and selfish, so be it.

That is something to consider but since they have to split themselves 3 ways now they may want to see their mother

What are all these deleted comments? Anyone want to enlighten me as to what horrible things are being said that MN are deleting before I can read them?

So if anyone is interested in a follow up to our Christmas Eve….

DH spent the morning on the phone to BIL to make sure he understood to shower (he said he showered two days ago) and be ready at x time. DH arrived and he was wearing clothes that didnt fit and were hanging around his knees. DH sent in back in to change. Then bil couldn’t get in the car, he is just too weak and immobile to lift his body into the car. So they made a call to just leave it. He wouldn’t have coped.

We returned later with some food and his gifts. And he seemed happy.

We have learned a lesson today that our guilt is completely misplaced and we need to accept that the reality is he is not capable of being out of his environment. The run up to the day just stressed BiL out completely and he seemed more than happy to just have some food and gifts.

Neice didn’t pitch.

I think that’s turned out the best .

They didn't appear to have a close connection, so moving countries in order to create one was a huge risk! It sounds as though they were being unrealistic and selfish.

We have an elderly relative who moved to our town, she thinks its great here. She certainly didn't ask us if we wanted her close or missed her (we didn't! She was a perfect distance away!) She just moved. She is selfish and just self-absorbed really. She doesn't take much interest in our lives and just generally gives us very little but she expects a lot.

I absolutely feel ops pain and that's without the awful BIL situation.

OP I hope your holiday home is way too tiny for guests and that you spend next Christmas there. And the one after.

Do not yield to your mums moaning. Let her moan.

OP, kindly, I wonder why you think you have to carry all this? What would happen to you if you didnt have BiL over? Would you be arrested and put in "bad SiL and bad aunt" jail?

I assume you are very wealthy to be able to support these people financially. (Did you mention supporting your dps too)

But you are impoverishing yourself emotionally and are completely skint in that direction. Just because you and your dh want to be generous financially does not automatically give you the emotional and psychological resources to DO all this as well. You seem to have very little in the emotional bank.

I really think you would benefit from some therapy to understand why you feel the need to pour so much of yourself into these relationships when theybgive you so little back.

Your neice for example needs to grow up and make her own choices about her dad. You might not like what she decides (ignoring your bil completely, fir example) but that is her choice.

Have you always taken on everything for everyone?

STOP. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THIS.

If you didn't have the money, what would happen to them all? (No need to answer - I just want you to think about it)

Much love, Christmas will be over soon 👍

So ehat! That's a him problem, clearly.

This is something both my DH and I need to work on.

Whilst we may have been able to be a financial resource for our relatives, the emotional cost is much more.

I struggle to balance what I think is the ‘right’ amount of emotional burden I’m willing to carry for other people and often I feel very much like I’m being selfish for not wanting to give more. Having nothing to give makes me a bad person so I over stretch it because what normal person has nothing to give?

There is also probably an assumption by my parents (mostly) that because I don’t have kids, I have so much more time to dedicate to them. They don’t put any of the same sort of pressure on my sister because she is a stretched single mom. I wish they knew that one of the reasons I don’t have kids is because I’m selfish with my time and it’s taken an acute amount of self awareness to admit that.