Exacting friend and christmas gift

[imabitjealousandembarassed]

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character.
We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

Have you given it to her yet?

Can you take it back and spend the money on yourself? or keep it and buy her some chocolates. She sounds horrible.

Don't give it to her, the narky baggage.

Give her a box of cornflakes or something else completely unseasonal!

Yes unfortunately it's wrapped and under her tree now.
I literally had a candle fund jar all year. I don't know why I do this. If someone is a dick, I always think I can win them round by being so nice.

Look at it as a learning experience and don't bother with her next year.

I think you've done a lovely thing and have nothing to beat yourself up about.

Ask her one to one what's going on that's led to her now seeming to be quite unhappy in herself. Also look at your own boundaries: you don't sound all that well off to be buying gifts for friends that cost a small fortune.

Yes I've had this conversation with her a few times in the last few years and for a whole I do think it was menopause but I think it has stuck.
She was always the outrageous funny one but very kind as well. This has now turned to nasty jokes if you see what I mean.

My own boundaries is a good point. I'm sentimental about length of friendships and loyalty which doesn't always serve me

Invent some reason to go round to her house and steal it back from under the tree, so you can keep it or give it to a nice person! It's up to you whether you want to replace it with a large lump of coal wrapped in the same paper! 😉

It’s not the point I know but if it’s the winter or fir tree candle I wouldn’t consider those to be Christmas only items! Lovely present.

Wider issue is maybe not whether she deserves a gift but if you want her in your life any more. But I guess this year if you’re exchanging gifts as usual I’d just give it her and worry about the rest next year

Yeah she definitely sees them as a Christmas candle.
She'll stay in my life but I'll re draw the boundaries.
I love gift giving and planning , it's my favourite bit of Christmas and I'm good at it, but this has annoyed me

I kind of get what she means as, if you receive a Christmassy decor item on Christmas Day (or open it on Christmas Day) you don't really have time to enjoy it as Christmas is almost over so it just needs storing for next year. She might not feel that way about a candle as I would still burn it after Christmas or could put it away without it taking up too much space.

If she said those things, knowing what you'd got her, then I'd feel differently but she doesn't know yet what you've got her and might really appreciate it.

Hmm I'm not sure she will. The way she was saying it was quite nasty. Her sister in law is a lovely woman and the gift was generous but she was lambasting her

I also hate getting Christmas themed presents on Christmas day. As I don't have enough time to enjoy it. It gets packed away for a year! But a candle I would still use and enjoy! Do you like her enough to.gift the candle? Sounds like you've gone off her! Perhaps send the candle back?

It's already under her tree!

I’m kind of with her on this -
and I’m a fellow Xmas gifter and planner and I love Christmas!!! But- I dislike Xmas pjs or socks worn year round so I dislike them as Xmas gifts, or bloody Xmas Eve box gifts as you get ONE night!!! Which is stupid.

But wouldn’t be ungrateful like her and I’d pack them away til next year. Perhaps you need to think about having a chat with her if she’s a good friend you should be able to voice your feelings. And meantime be happy you have done a nice thing and maybe she will shock you with her gratitude..:

Watch Martin Lewis article about Christmas present buying.
Next year say that you're only buying presents within your family/making a donation to charity.

I do think a candle is different from christmas themed objects. I love the Christmas winter scents! As it's already been gifted just wait to hear from her on Christmas day. I bet she will love it!

She sounds hard work , you are treading on eggshells with her. Sometimes I think friendships last longer than they should as we get sentimental over them.

We all like getting presents

How much was the candle that you had to save all year for? Will she know the cost and appreciate that it would be out of your normal budget? She sounds hard work and not someone I'd be wasting my hard earned money on that's for sure!

Hard agree. I wouldn’t have any tolerance of her joylessness over gift giving. I’d back off very slowly and quietly for ever quite honestly.

I love adding to my Christmas decorations..
Await her response.. If she is spikey point out you saved all year for that. Then be less available..

I don't like getting presents. The whole consumerism, buying things people don't need or want and receiving 'stuff' and the waste of the whole thing.

If I was your friend I would hate to think that you had saved up all year, possibly going without nice things yourself, to buy me something.

My friends and I agreed a couple of years ago to stop doing presents. Now we just have a lovely day together instead. Their company is worth more than any present.

I don't understand the 'not having enough time to enjoy it' thing.

Surely you can enjoy it on the day and in the period between Christmas and New Year then in following years. Do you switch Christmas off on Boxing night?