Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exacting friend and christmas gift

85 replies

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:46

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character.
We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

OP posts:
orangewasp · 21/12/2025 10:29

What did she get you last year? Is she putting this level if effort into you?

WildLeader · 21/12/2025 10:31

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 09:24

We all like getting presents

Show quote history

Read your own OP @imabitjealousandembarassed

shes ungrateful

so time to scale things right back

how much was this candle?

Nearly50omg · 21/12/2025 10:39

Ask her for her present back and say you made a mistake and want to get her something better after her rant and then when you get it back take it back to the shop for a refund and don’t replace it! That’s what I would do!

Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 11:57

SeaAndStars · 21/12/2025 10:22

I don't like getting presents. The whole consumerism, buying things people don't need or want and receiving 'stuff' and the waste of the whole thing.

If I was your friend I would hate to think that you had saved up all year, possibly going without nice things yourself, to buy me something.

My friends and I agreed a couple of years ago to stop doing presents. Now we just have a lovely day together instead. Their company is worth more than any present.

Show quote history

No sorry I meant in my group we all like getting presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 11:58

Nearly50omg · 21/12/2025 10:39

Ask her for her present back and say you made a mistake and want to get her something better after her rant and then when you get it back take it back to the shop for a refund and don’t replace it! That’s what I would do!

Ooh I think I could be brave and do this. I could definitely say after her thoughts, my present isn't appropriate and I'll get her something else

OP posts:
Swash89 · 21/12/2025 12:10

What did she get you?

Theslummymummy · 21/12/2025 12:34

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:51

Yes unfortunately it's wrapped and under her tree now.
I literally had a candle fund jar all year. I don't know why I do this. If someone is a dick, I always think I can win them round by being so nice.

Unwrap it

Mary46 · 21/12/2025 13:08

She sounds negative. I love White Company. Op have better boundaries/see her less going forward. I hate negative people.

Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 13:54

Theslummymummy · 21/12/2025 12:34

Unwrap it

Show quote history

It's under her tree . Present no longer in my house

OP posts:
Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 13:55

Swash89 · 21/12/2025 12:10

What did she get you?

Don't know yet. Keeping it til christmas day

OP posts:
Creesla · 21/12/2025 16:21

'I've always admired you for your kindness. I notice that you seem much more likely to take a negative slant now on people and for example when you were talking about the Christmas cushions. It makes me worry that you will be equally negative about me and our friendship. It has changed how I feel when with you. Whats going on?'

Scabber · 21/12/2025 20:30

I'm a bit mixed with this one. On one hand, I agree with your friend that I don't like getting Christmas themed things on Xmas day as (for me, I know everyone is different) Xmas day is the end of Xmas. Also, I like to think though I'd still be grateful for a gift, I could rant about this to a close friend. I assume she's a good friend if you've saved up all year for her gift.

Yet it must have been disheartening to hear that knowing what youve got her and maybe she'll recall that conversation and feel bad when she opens your gift. I do agree though that a lovely White Company candle is a bit different to Xmas pyjamas/jumper/mug etc and hopefully your gift will be appreciated.

Brefugee · 21/12/2025 20:32

tbh she does have a good point about getting Christmas themed things for christmas.

I have a december birthday, and as an adult who loves christmas themed things, i much prefer to get them for my birthday so i can enjoy them and then put them away for a year.

Moltenpink · 21/12/2025 20:34

Message her now and tell her to unwrap it. Explain it’s due to the earlier conversation. Then she has all week to enjoy it

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 21/12/2025 21:18

Moltenpink · 21/12/2025 20:34

Message her now and tell her to unwrap it. Explain it’s due to the earlier conversation. Then she has all week to enjoy it

I agree with this or ask her for her gift back so you can exchange it at the white company for a non Christmas candle. Explain that following her rant the other day, you now know she’s going to hate her gift so you’ll exchange it. Make her feel the consequences and hopefully she will squirm/realise. Then exchange it for something cheaper and a wee thing for you!

Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 22:54

I've messaged to say that after our conversation I need to swap her present as she won't like it and it will be inappropriate now I know her feelings on Christmas items. She's seen it but not replied

OP posts:
Summersongroses · 21/12/2025 23:25

Honestly I think you are very much overthinking this. You put thought and effort into getting her something she’d like. White company candles are not “Christmas” themed. The candles are all in very plain glass jars. The smell will be really nice and not something that you only smell at Christmas! I’m a bit done personally with overthinking Christmas gifts. You’ve done your best. I a sure that she will love it. I personally love the White Company brand and would be happy with ANY scented candle from there. Leave the gift under her tree and move on. It’s the thought that counts with gift giving.

Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 23:31

Summersongroses · 21/12/2025 23:25

Honestly I think you are very much overthinking this. You put thought and effort into getting her something she’d like. White company candles are not “Christmas” themed. The candles are all in very plain glass jars. The smell will be really nice and not something that you only smell at Christmas! I’m a bit done personally with overthinking Christmas gifts. You’ve done your best. I a sure that she will love it. I personally love the White Company brand and would be happy with ANY scented candle from there. Leave the gift under her tree and move on. It’s the thought that counts with gift giving.

I agree but she made her feelings on it clear

OP posts:
Dazzlemered · 21/12/2025 23:36

I bet she’s opened it and now she feels like a twat.

Summersongroses · 21/12/2025 23:55

Don’t worry about it. Honestly don’t give it another thought. We all put so much pressure on ourselves to get friends and family the most perfect gift. The fact is sometimes we hit and sometimes we miss…. The thought was there and that’s all that’s needed. You don’t need to buy anything else! If she doesn’t like it. Tough! (But I think she will. It’s a scented candle from a brand she likes). If it was in a Father Christmas jar that’s different but it isn’t!!!

comeondover · 22/12/2025 00:04

imabitjealousandembarassed · 21/12/2025 07:46

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character.
We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

She might feel differently about a candle as opposed to other Christmas stuff. If she likes the smell, she likes the smell. Other stuff like cushions and decorations are more limited as to when they are typically used.

comeondover · 22/12/2025 00:07

And you never know, you may have inadvertently provoked a tiny burst of self-awareness when she opens it.

Original poster
imabitjealousandembarassed · 22/12/2025 07:50

Yeah I just feel annoyed with myself for the waste of money really. Next year I'll do the jar and it will be saved for a nice gift to myself!

OP posts:
Sartre · 22/12/2025 07:56

I think most of their Christmas scents are actually just winter scents like fir tree or the literal winter candle, they’re not dressed up like a Christmas candle and could easily and happily be used during winter.

Having said that, I do understand the gripe in having very Christmassy things gifted on the day. Things you can use for the next week but after that would be a bit weird so you have to stash them away for another year.

fouroclockrock · 22/12/2025 07:57

Its good that you messaged her regardless. It might help her to think about a few things. She’ll be squirming trying to figure out a response now.