Exacting friend and christmas gift

[imabitjealousandembarassed]

I've got a friend who I've been friends with for 20 years. As we have aged, she has become more difficult. I put it down to menopause for a bit, but it's now stuck and she's a very spiky character.
We are in a group of 4 who regularly meet up. Our whole friendship she has loved the shop The White Company. She likes the candles especially the Christmas one but they are very expensive. This year I've saved and I've bought her it. So far so good. Apart from her latest rant when we went for our Christmas brunch was people who buy you Christmas stuff for Christmas, ie her sister in law the year before had bought her these Christmas cushions from Next (they were lovely and v expensive) she went on and on about how inconsiderate and stupid it was. When I said I quite liked it as I don't really have the money to buy fancy Christmas bits for myself so they are a treat, also you enjoy them until new year, pack them away and have a nice surprise for next year too, she was really horrible about it. Nothing to discuss really but just ahhh she's being an ungrateful cow and now I wish I hadn't wasted my money.

I think that this is less about the specific gift and the suitability of it, and more about the fact you’ve just had a “moment” where you’ve realised she is not actually a nice person and not someone you want to go to great efforts to buy a present for.

Try and take all the positives you can from this:
You are a thoughtful person who planned and executed a lovely gift for someone. You did your best, nothing more can be done.
Your “friend” has inadvertently given you a gift - clarity.
A kind of revelation about who she really is and your true feelings for her.

Move forward in the New Year, in full honesty with yourself and maintain your boundaries. Think about what you are worth.

Tell her you’ve realised that you mistakenly given her the wrong gift (not a lie as it really is the wrong gift for one with her attitude), so ask for it back…
then you can either gift it to someone who you know really would love and appreciate not only the gift but your efforts, OR get your money back assuming you have the receipt, and wrap up something she can really moan about, but at least it won’t have cost you a bomb and all that unappreciated love.

Has she still not replied??

Bit late for that now.

No I don’t think it’s too late at all.
if I was told I had been given a wrapped gift in error, I’d not hesitate to give it back.
Mistakes are made easily, especially if you have a “sieve brain” like mine, and all the gifts are wrapped in the same design wrapping paper.

Next year, if you really must buy her something, ‘brand new with tags’ from Vinted.

This! It might make her pause for a moment and think about how bloody rude she's been.

Did you just miss the update where a reason had already been given? The OP can hardly give a different reason now having already sent a message to her friend saying “I need to swap her present as she won't like it and it will be inappropriate now I know her feelings on Christmas items”.

Suggest to her that she might like to open the gift now so she can use it on the run up to Christmas?

This incident proves two things:

1. you're lovely
2. she's an arsehole

Expend your loveliness on the people who appreciate it. She's not one of them!

I bet she suspects what it is and wants to keep it. lol! Well done for messaging her.

Well I think some people just like to moan! I think your gift is kind hearted and well meant.(Do also think Candles are sooo expensive ) Just think you cant please some people !

It will be half price on Boxing Day

It will be half price on Boxing Day

No I think she's waiting for it to move on as she's replied to something else on the group chat but not my message privately
I'm now tempted to send another saying "please don't open your gift and return it to me"

I think it sounds lovely. She is rude and tbh I would stop buying for her

I’ve got a WC eucalyptus one out myself that I bought earlier in the year, ready to use.

gorgeous

She’s a dick, OP

Regardless of the Christmas gift she sounds quite hard work. Does she buy gifts for other people & is she generally otherwise generous? I don’t know I would want to hang around with her.

I would be more direct and tell her you’re concerned you might upset her with your gift and would feel better it’s returned today and replaced tomorrow. Enjoy the candle yourself OP.

Don’t send her any further messages OP.

Leave it be.

Of she doesn’t get back to you now, that is awkwardness for her to sit with, not you.

I think this.

See it as a learning experience and don’t try to win round people who are dicks in future.

Can you have some sort of object in your house (such as a candle of your own maybe?) to remind you.

As an aside, if it’s the Winter scent it’s amazing and she’s lucky to have you as a friend!

Silly me

Why are you still trying to please this woman?! Just leave it! Either she likes the candle or she doesn't, what is done is done, don't go messaging her again and giving her all this pandering attention and rewarding her for her shitty behaviour! You did a nice thing, she's being a bit of a twat, you learned a lesson. It's over.

I actually don't think she's a dick, I think you are a people pleaser and are giving this too much space and thought.

When she went on her rant about Christmas gifts, she didn't know what you had got her. I actually agree with her on the topic of Christmas gifts.

Let her open the gift and if she doesn't like it then oh well, sometimes people don't like the gifts you've bought them. Spend less on her next year if you're bothered. I wouldn't be sending messages begging for the gift back or running around on the 22nd Dec trying to buy something else.