Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

Ooh I could never do this. I love feeding people and seeing everyone enjoying my food and feeling happy and full. It's also very important to me that people feel comfortable and welcome in my home.

I'd give my brother an entire turkey if I could. It's just a case of simply not having the fridge space and the oven space to do unlimited amounts of food.

In the past, I have hosted 18 people and he was one of them (no partner then) with no problem but in those days I lived elsewhere and I had a Rangemaster and a massive American Fridge. I miss that kitchen 🤣

I appreciate the suggestions of feeding them extra first but the thing is, I'm also doing an evening buffet so there's already so much food.

I think it's going to have to be a case of having the siblings on "Bill and Ben* watch" and distracting them enough to make sure they join the queue last 🤣 sibs all seem to be poised to embrace this role!

*All names are changed!

I will!!

I would:

1. Have a lot of pre-dinner nibbles placed strategically near him and his partner. Crisps, nuts, biscuits, chocolate etc.
2. Do lots of extra carbs. Maybe extra mash, new potatoes as well as roast potatoes and put those out on the table near him and his partner so they can help themselves.
3. Plate up the best bits yourself, as well as anything else where there is limited amounts to go round (meat, pigs in blankets, yorkshires, roast potatoes)

If him and his partner have very little impulse control, they'll hopefully not be ravenous after eating the nibbles before dinner. By plating up, you're preventing them taking too much of the main parts of the dinner for themselves, and if they're still hungry after they have the option to help themselves to the extra carbs on the table.

(The reason I'm suggesting mash and new potatoes is I'm assuming like me you have limited oven space to do masses of roast potatoes, and both of those can be done on the stove.)

I was going to suggest to OP about Autism because of the lack of social skills around not thinking about others missing out.

🙄

He knows he's taking all the food. He just doesn't care if others miss out.

No, just greedy selfish fuckerism.

Make a pot of root-vegetable soup as a starter- offer that plus a leafy salad, so that those with smaller appetites can nibble a bit of greenery and you can give your DB and his H a big bowl of soup with bread, and salad, before the main roast. Then plate up for everyone with the meat and trimmings, roast potatoes, and yorkshires, and let everyone help themselves to the sprouts 😅

The greedy git would just take loads anyway, more than their share.

In my experience people make excuses for what is sheer greed:

Just a big lad?
Going through a difficult time?
Lack of social skills?
Missed out on learning opportunities as a child?

As a previous poster said, some people are simply greedy at others’ expense and I wonder if the OP visited her brother’s house whether he would be generous with her and her family too?

I worked with a person once who would fill up only when others were paying or providing food. It’s greedy and tight behaviour and I would not enable it by providing even more.

Personally I'd get some v high protein food - cold sliced meats, something unprocessed, maybe a pre cooked and sliced turkey crown served cold - and serve them as a starter, to try to fill them up a bit. Carbs will just make them want more carbs. Some people can eat crisps and cheese till the cows come home.

Tell your greedy bastard brother and his equally greedy partner, to mind their manners. Why are you allow g him to be rude and greedy?

Do you think your brother might be neurodivergent in any way? His lack of social skills could be part of that, plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating. This is not to you but to other repliers; have compassion for someone who eats perhaps beyond their control; the hormonal, psychological & & physical reasons for such are complex and calling someone a pig (pigs are amazing animals anyway) is cruel & unempathetic. We are designed to eat a lot, in fact humans are one of the most successful 'eaters' of all animals, it's part of the reason why we have become who we are. Shame can also lead to overeating & denial; it's a cycle that is easily reinforced. OP, you sound very considerate & caring; I think an element of honesty could help with your brother, but combined with understanding & non-judgement; making it a matter of logistics & affirming that you want them to be happy & satiated. Phrases like "I know you appreciate my cooking", I'm always happy to see my efforts appreciated, it's just about making sure I make enough food, but don't have waste.." Also you could go down the path of saying you're trying to go a bit more plant-based, or are aware of the impact on the planet of meat production could help keep costs down. Good luck!

I have a running joke with my DH as I never got over forgot the time my FIL got the jug of custard and poured nearly all of it over his Christmas pudding one year before anyone else had any.

I sat there looking 😵‍💫😳 and finding his lack of manners and social skills extremely rude, and it wound me up to the point where I think I wind my DH up by mentioning it on occasion 😅

My FIL was one of 8 children, who was brought up by a disengaged mother (a bit like OP and her brother), and his mother was a horrible person apparently who did the bear minimum with her effort. As a consequence, my FIl has probably never really been that au fait with basic manners etc. Plus, I'm pretty sure he's autistic too.

I mentioned the custard incident to my DH last night, and he excused his DF by saying they didn't have lots of guests for dinner much so FIL was just used to having half a jug of custard to himself. 😳🤨 Yeah, that's a valid excuse...! No, it's because he lacks basic consideration for others..it's inexcusable IMHO. Perhaps he and OP's brother should sit at a table together and see who grabs the biggest portion first 😉

Why not when he and his partner are so incredibly greedy, selfish, thoughtless and rude?!

I don't even want to think about having people arriving while I'm plating up! It's a celebratory meal, not a canteen.

Fantastic reply

Agreed! They are rude enough themselves to be told the truth! They sound vile

Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

You can’t have everything you want @xAwaywiththefairiesx

You can’t serve buffet style without addressing it directly.

You either address it or serve everyone.

Is he very overweight? I cannot conceive of eating as much as him and have a very large appetite and I’m very overweight as well.

Whilst other animals might not have the concept of manners like we do, many of them understand the concept of society and the social rules within that society (pack hierarchy, mating calls etc). You've basically said he's giving into animal instinct because he's neurodiverse and I'm not sure that's any kinder than most of the other posts here!

This sounds like they haven’t got the I feel full feeling. Anyone who takes a serving dish to serve themselves hasn’t got that off button.

I’ve been morbidly obese with food addiction issues. I’ve still managed not to eat other people out of house and home when I’ve gone to their house. Lots of us actually have more self awareness than your patronising post suggests and don’t want to appear greedy and rude to others when they can also see what we look like with their own eyes.

This man is a disgusting pig and it’s vile behaviour to eat all the food and leave others hungry.

plus the dopamine-seeking of overeating

of you are referring to adhd this isn’t about “overeating” in one meal giving one lot of dopamine.
If anything the size of the portions wouldn’t be finished because of boredom. To seek dopamine we snack/graze little and often

We might end up having 8 yorkshires and 16 roasts but it would end up being 1 Yorkshire and a couple of roasts at a time over a few hours.
If anything loading our plates up to eat in one go isn’t what we do. We would probably grab a roast potato or Yorkshire with our hands and wander around the house eating it and then repeat 20- 30 mins later.

Plus the very idea that we would take more than our fair share and people would not be happy with us would have our RSD going into overdrive.

Personally I'd be strategic as to not obviously offend. I'd plate everyone's meat up and put that on the table. Then I'd put DB and partner at the end of the table. Then pass the spuds to great Aunt June who is sat next to Uncle Pete and it gets passed around taking what they want until your brother and partner last. Same with the Yorkshires and stuffing and so on. That way they can finish what's in there but others have taken their fill first.

You aren't outwardly saying you are greedy but ensuring everyone gets something leaving DB and partner to overindulge with what's left.

That would only work with normal people. Most don’t ’take their fill’ on pass one. It’s always a pleasure to take a few additional bits and pieces again later from the central serving bowls.
Which with these two at the end of the queue would already be scraped clean.
The only solution is strict portion control, at source, in the manner of a commercial kitchen. Or a cheap canteen. It’s sad.

It is sad isn't it. I can understand OP wanting to keep the peace. Its not like you can really stand there and say "you two are greedy sods stop stealing everyone else's meal". I guess maybe keep spare dishes in the kitchen and offer seconds round again the same way. It's a lot of faff though just to avoid offending someone though.