Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

Some one has put get them to bring some dishes & this is a good idea. I would possibly ask other to contribute something for the dinner also.

I don’t think pointing out 9 Yorkshire puddings is out of order either. So what it hurt his feelings. He was being completely rude especially when they try & be first up they know what they’re doing. His feelings cannot be put before all others. Playing the hurt card is more manipulative than you think especially if it hasn’t changed his behaviour. If I was catering for 14 people I’d probably do about 20 yorkshire puds so to take 9 would mean someone is definitely not getting one. Roasters about 4 a person with a dozen spare etc. someone is bound to mention you’ve cooked and be thankful I would very vocally turn this convo into how you do it. I’d say very clearly you make sure everyone can have x amount of everything & if they finish that there is always extras the can pick at after.

I'd plate it up or let others go first. My Dad has a big appetite, he's not overweight just a big man and when he visits I feel there is not enough food and so I just plate it up. However, DH loves cooking and always does excessive amounts so I'm leaving it to him this Christmas. I like to get it just right and don't really like leftovers as it doesn't get eaten but DH is very much a host who likes to be overly generous with food and wine so I think my Dad prefers that!

I have the opposite problem. A relative that will invite everyone round and lay out a buffet. They then sit there eying up exactly what everyone is putting on their plates and waiting to wisk all the food away “ to put in the fridge” in case it “ goes off”. I think this is equally as rude as your brothers excessive food consumption. I would plate up all the stuff you only have a certain amount of ie. Meat, pigs in blankets and roast potatoes then let people add their own veg gravy etc. with desert i would plate it up and hand it out.

I wouldn’t invite them and I would tell them why. I don’t believe in excusing greed or bad manners. I wouldn’t want to be spending time with people whose values and behaviour don’t resonate with my own and that includes family.

For me it’s the selfishness. My MIL though not a big eater will think nothing of squirting half a bottle of mayo on her plate or taking half the coleslaw & not even use a tenth of what she’s taken. This also annoys my SIL who now man marks her mom because she also thinks it’s selfish & once brought it up where my MIL said I should buy enough. Well after she finished eating my SIL went and got her plate & said there is about 6 portions left on here mom so she did but enough but you’re to selfish realise others exist. I wouldn’t condone this usually but my MIL isn’t shy to try and embarrass others so it was just a touch of her own medicine

Yes, women tend not to overeat in public because it is so frowned upon. Men can get away with it more.

I sympathise with you. It sounds so selfish of them.

OP, quite apart from the Christmas issue which you have asked for opinions about and received some helpful suggestions, is there any way that this can be raised with your brother more generally as a matter of concern regarding his health? It sounds as if you took on a somewhat motherly role as he was the youngest and you were left in charge of providing meals for younger siblings - would he listen to you trying to tell him it's time to address his eating habits in the interests of his health? It's clear you love him and don't want to hurt him so I imagine he trusts you and might respond to you? The eating habits you describe sound like an eating disorder - an addiction to food

We have PIL coming for a meal today and FIL is greedy and inconsiderate with food so we now plate up in the kitchen and serve everyone. It’s not how I like to host and it makes me resentful as we are generous hosts and FIL’s behaviour has spoiled many family meals after hours in the kitchen.

I had guests like this once and would go with PP suggestion of plating the food. Once everyone has had a normal portion you can leave the dishes on the table for the big eaters to help themselves. Definitely don't let them serve themselves pudding though - thats just cruel to everyone else (I'm a pudding person!)

If they are like my guests, they won't ever get full enough from snacks and 'picky bits' to put less on their plates. In their head, if the food is there you eat it and stuff anyone else and they never feel full.

I think you need to have a conversation with him NOW, before the dinner, either by phone or text. Be kind and diplomatic, but do point out how selfish he is being.

He may be slightly hurt but you’ll be doing him a favour. His behaviour around food will have caused consternation not just amongst family. Does he really want to be considered rude?

do what they do at a carvery, plate up the things like meat/yorkies/pigs in blankets and then let them at the 5p veg.

I would absolutely not allow someone to eat food that’s allocated for others, eating that amount is pure greed and not hunger.

Would you feel comfortableraising it with him before the day? Maybe say you are nervous about catering for so many people and how much does he think you should cook, ie how much he and his partner would be expecting to eat? That way if he says something like 20 pigs in blankets, you could respond with "that's crazy, noone would eat that amount do you know how expensive it would be!". It sounds like you had a really tough time as kids and maybe some of his issues stem from this so I completely understand why you would never want to upset him over it all, but it's also really hard if others are going without because of them x

I think the OP should invite them to dinner the same day and sit them all together…

PLEASE report back after Christmas and let us know how it went!

😂😂😂 that would be interesting

100% this.

I would make an announcement as everyone is seated and the food is ready to be served:

“I hope you like it everyone. Just to let you know - there are 10 of us here and I’ve made 20 yorkies, so only take 2 each please, plus I’ve catered for everyone having 3 slices of turkey each, so please make sure everyone has a fair share!”

Then it doesn’t single out or shame anyone. Plus everyone at the table can police it if they see them grabbing more than their portion.

My ex mil definitely didn’t bring my exh up to not behave like a pig at the dinner table. In fact OP’s entire post could be written about that fat greedy bastard, but given my ex and ex sil live in the same town it can’t be about him

You mention that his “selfishness” has been called out on previous occasions, and that he seems to have acknowledged it. That suggests that there’s an opportunity to have a frank, but lighthearted conversation about allocations. Something along the lines of “now everyone, I’ve allowed for eight roasties each, four pigs and two slices of turkey. Anyone exceeding their allocation will get a fork in the back of the hand. Oh, and a two second pour of the gravy each!”

There’s another angle here which seems to have been disregarded, and that’s hunger. As an ex big eater myself, I would feel properly anxious about not having enough food. I think it’s worth remembering that on some level they need this amount of food and to think about what you can offer to satisfy them in the way of additional extras.

I think you’ll have to serve the plates and put out a a lot of sides/nibbles.

one Xmas my relative took 7 roast potatoes and didn’t leave much for the rest of us. Now I make sure I cook much more than needed. We have him and DS who eat a lot (both skinny - DS particularly tall).

Just tell him to stop being a fucking greedy selfish dick.

Another option is to put some quick cooking extras in the oven after you are done with the main meal. Like a couple of trays of pre prepared dishes from Aunt Bessie’s so there are lots of Yorkshire puddings or whatever but they might not be as nice.

Do you do a starter? Could you put a few extras out then as well? Or some mince pies, chocolates, biscuits with a drink 30 minutes before dinner next to them?

I don’t think you are going to have a choice but to cook lots but I would serve up separately the bits that are expensive or you only have in smaller amounts.

what happens when your brother hosts? Does he supply enough food for everyone and themselves?

Why is it always men that can't see there's 20 potatoes and 5 people, so 4 is their share?

Or maybe that the jug if gravy might just be for everyone and maybe shouldn't take half the gravy for themselves.

Why do families not just call them out EVERY TIME?

Why not just tell him he's a selfish greedy man?

Solves the problem.

When our family eat together we plate up the meat, sausages or pigs in blankets mainly because I don't eat a lot of meat and I'm fussy. The rest is on the table. Our family can eat a lot but no one would dream of taking too much.

Your DB and his partner are greedy, entitled and treat others with contempt. They won't change so you need to manage their access to the food.

Plate everything and make tons of vegetables.