Concerned about how much my brother and his partner eat and worried I won't have enough

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

My brother lives in a different part of the country to us and I don't see him much. We've never been close but I love him and have been trying to understand him better. He's awkward but does his best socially but he often rubs people up the wrong way or comes cross as selfish and feels terribly guilty when this is pointed out to him.

Him and his partner, who I've only met a couple of times, are coming to Christmas dinner at my house, there will be 14 of us in total and I'm making a big effort. Trouble is, they both eat a hell of a lot and if theres food available, they will simply eat it. I actually don't know if I can do enough to fully satisfy them to the point they'll stop, and have enough for everyone else. My oven simply isn't big enough.

Examples, at Christmas dinner at my mum's one year when DB was still single, he took my mum's serving plate and ped it with eight Yorkshires and 9 pigs in blankets, plus huge helpings of all the veg and meat. When it was pointed out in a friendly way that he had a lot there he acted as though people were just picking on him for eating too much and didn't get the point that several people were going without because he'd taken it all.

Another time he was at my house for dinner and I gave him a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs and he ate the lot plus an entire garlic bread baguette to himself, that I'd put on the table for everyone and then when my husband didn't finish his plate, he actually took my husband's plate and ate the leftovers from his plate. Then I made a sponge pudding and he ate half of it when it usually feeds the four of us with some left over, plus half a carton of custard.

At my sister's wedding, him and his partner got to the wedding buffet first and I am not exaggerating - they piled their plates with so much of the cheese, that there was hardly any left for others and the buffet was meant to feed 200 people, and they also had huge portions of everything else, then went back for second and thirds. My sister was horrified.

WWYD?

Suck it up and try and make sure there is enough?
Tell him exactly how much he can have?
Serve everyone their plates? (I don't like to do this, I like to do my roasts buffet style so people can choose what they would like)
Or something else?

Please don't roast me to hard, I do want my brother to feel welcome, I'm just worried I can't afford to feed him or will have enough space.

I would make something like fresh ramen noodles so he couldn't pig out

Not mentioning it isn't doing them any favours

we have someone such as your brother in our family. Solution: I used to cook loads of extra potatoes and when serving I would pile loads on his plate. Throughout the dinner I would offer more potatoes and pour on loads more gravy.

Same here. If you were offered some cake say, and there were two very unequal slices going, you'd take the smaller without a second thought, no matter how much you craved that cake.
Tricky line to hold, as it can blur into self-abnegation verging on martyrdom of course! (Cue jokes about Irish/Jewish mammies) It’s only about good manners and social behaviour, nothing more.

But it’s quite a shock to learn how just many people there are who'd always take the larger slice, on the grounds that prioritising one’s own desires is the path to follow in life.
This man and his partner might share some pathology, mental or physical, which causes this gluttony but that doesn’t excuse being blind to the way it deprives everyone else.

All you have to do is fill up there plate yourself. Make enough for 14.

If they are hungry they can have crisps and other shite

@xAwaywiththefairiesx in terms of the stress, time and costs of cooking huge amounts of food to account for you DB and DBIL, can your other family members (all sisters?) bring a dish? Say one sis brings an extra roast the other an extra pud? Even your mum/stepdad is they can.

Tell them you are preparing food for everyone but given their appetites and the portion sizes they are used to they will need to bring their own food.

The way you describe the eating habits sounds like they have a problem

They sound like they are eating for eating’s sake rather than a need or as part of a social celebration

I don’t think you should try to cover their appetites because it wouldn’t matter what food was on offer they would just eat and eat until it was gone and still want more

I imagine that OP does not want a major confrontation on Christmas Day over her db's lifelong eating disorder. People suggesting that she tell him off for his greed are not helping.

I imagine your db and his partner don't 'fill up', so trying to fill them up is probably a waste of money.

Some of the strategies suggested are great, like plating up meat and potatoes and anything limited and expensive (like cheese!) or particular family favourites .

The trick is to serve them last. Once everyone else has as much as they want on their plates, the stakes are lower when the vultures descend.

Everyone there knows what db and partner will eat everything in sight, so they'll know what to expect.

You're so generous to have them over and I hope that managing their eating doesn't cast a shadow over your day. Happy Christmas.

I’m with the PP who suggested making a pot of soup. A lot of the veg for a decent potato or veggie soup would be cheap right now. Whether you have it as a starter or an hour or two before the main meal, that depends on when you think works best. Lots of rolls or bread with it too for them at least.

Then I would plate up the meat and Yorkies for everyone to have a portion and maybe extra on the table knowing they would both likely have all of it but at least everyone else has a good portion each as well. If they’re hungry after that they can go back for more soup.

😂

I'd plate it up but I would plate two extra (maybe adjust to have more veg and less good stuff). Cover the two extras with foil.

Then when he and his partner have stuffed themselves and looking for seconds you can bring in the extra dinners for them.

You can make a joke of, "I knew you'd both eat double"

It’s a tricky situation and you sound like a caring family and don’t want to make a big deal spoiling Christmas Day. Definitely ask him and his partner to bring food (get them to bring cheese since they love it!). Have lots of carbs and easy starters, then plate up the main meal. Make two of these! https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/cheese-bacon-cob-loaf/4f21cd3e-5cc0-4d80-bcb6-8a2f322987c0

I wouldn’t invite him either.
My SIL is like him, I’ve never forgotten her digging into a big chocolate mousse that I’d made, she had the entire bowl in front of her. No, I never invited her again.

DH's cousin is similar to this - in his case its a combination of physical and mental health issues, and can be exacerbated by whatever medication he's on. He's a genuinely lovely guy but I distinctly remember hosting him for the first time and him taking 6 people's worth of meat when there were only 10 of us.

That was 15 years ago now and he's improved a lot thanks to intervention from family, and his partner. He can still eat mindlessly and doesn't naturally consider the impact on others, but he has trained himself to not go near the food until everyone else has been served, and he always brings a lot of food because he's aware of how he is. We've still had occasions where he's gone to the kitchen for seconds and finished every last bit.

In your case, you need to act as the guard rails - pre-plating the key bits, calling people to the veg buffet in waves and making extras. If you're going to save back the meat bits for possible seconds, I'd put some carby things on the table to delay the inevitable. We found that DH's cousin would take a whole plate for himself if anything was in front of him, so would put e.g. 3 smaller bowls of Yorkshires on the table rather than one big serving dish. There was also a fair bit of working together from the other people round the table to manage him in the early days.

Its a difficult balance to strike and can sound infantilising but is probably better than the alternative. Its good if your family can help so that you're not hyper focused on it instead of the rest of the hosting. Good luck OP.

Not to brag but given TrifleGate in the update I'm gonna say I called it and pretty much none of these suggestions will work. This man isn't hungry, he's greedy. He will not fill up on the cheap mash and veg. If he wants to make a beeline for the meat/good stuff there will be no stopping him. He wants what he wants, all for himself, and will leave what he doesn't want in favour of extra of what he does. Plate up the limited bits by all means but I envision a stressful day of people guarding their own plates while he rejects what's 'help yourself' on the table and he stares longingly at others' pigs in blankets like "you gonna eat that?"

@MoltenLasagne , do you mind me asking what this type of disorder was? And he has a partner? I’m just wondering how as it makes him sound like a child.

Me too. It is repulsive behaviour.

This
And actually, gorging on such huge amounts of food regularly isn’t doing their health much good. Yes, I know it’s Christmas dinner and we can allow ourselves to indulge that bit more but there are limits…….seems like Pinky and Perky don’t even acknowledge theirs.

Fill them up on bread. I'd plate up and put thick slices of buttered bread on their plates under the potatoes and gravy and put more bread on the table.

Curious as to whether your brother and his partner will comply with the safety measures people are suggesting such as your plating up and keeping food back.
If they completely ignore all social convention and decency when it comes to leaving food for others, I'm not sure they would care about breaking down those systems.

Yes it will help if you have others to help you police the food, but at some point that would probably involve someone saying something, at the very least, "you need to leave some for the others". I don't think that can be avoided (and it seems like you don't want to address this with him directly?)

somehow this makes it worse for me - to have TWO big men scoffing all the food so no one else can have any. Yuck. It would make me sick to watch.

I have a SIL like this - she is autistic and has a food obsession. When we are eating, if I put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls she says ‘ are you not going to eat that - I’ll have it?’ It drives me mad as she is continually scoping the table. I have told her several times that you’ll know when I’ve finished as I put my knife and fork together.

It sounds like no one has ever called him out on this behaviour. I think I’d be inclined to have a quiet word before the meal to establish a few boundaries.

Sorry to say OP but eating the top layer of of trife made me laugh so much. He sounds a bit bonkers. 8 yorkshire puddings?!

Agree with all the advice on here about filling them up cheaply. If you stand doing it, i usually nip to the shops just before closing and always manage to get a really reduced cheese selection and loads of bargains.

This is why I felt it necessary to point out that DB's partner is male. They are two big fully grown men in their 30s. I wanted it fully understood the size of their appetites.
I don't know if it's sexist to suggest I just can't see a woman eating like they do. Not even myself, and I put away a decent amount.

Growing up in a big family without very 'in control' parents leads to disordered and competitive eating. We all do it to one degree or another, I eat far too quickly, one brother eats like yours. Go easy on yourselves OP and enjoy your families company. You all got thru and are here to enjoy Xmas.
And yes, snacks, starters and serving not taking your own is the way forward.

I bet there were plenty of bread rolls at the sisters wedding, but that didn't stop them demolishing the cheese.

OP I think your brother is getting a temporary psychological fix from this behaviour and other people's reactions, and it won't be placated with cheap carbs.

OP, your description of the trifle really stood out to me. It wasn't enough to eat half of it, he had to spoil it for the rest. There's a communication from the past going on. There always is with food, in my experience.

It sounds like you're running around trying to make sure everyone gets what they need, and it's very difficult to imagine you getting to enjoy the meal you'll have prepared in all of this.