Husband opens my mail

[allaboutperspective]

Just a sense check. AIBU? My husband opens my mail, including professional magazine subscriptions, and bins it/puts in recycling before I have seen it. I’ve explained this feels controlling and asked him not to do this. He said I was being negative and critical, and he does it to avoid mess. I have asked him not to do this before.
We both work full time, house is minor messy, pretty tidy considering we have kids, we also have a cleaner once a week.

YABU: He has the right to open and chuck it.

YANBU: He should leave the mail alone if addressed to his wife.

Obviously it is completely unacceptable for him to do this.

Since you say he isn't controlling in other ways maybe he has some form of ocd aroudn untidyness. in which case he should get help.

Regardless he needs to leave your stuff alone.

@allaboutperspective yes my sisters Ex was the same. Never controlling re seeing friends or checking phone etc. it was always quite "silent" so things like:

• throwing her belongings out without telling her. Sometimes letting her look for them for months before casually dropping in that he'd thrown it away and wasn't he helpful for helping her tidy up.

• giving her "constructive criticism" which was really nothing of the sort - things like ohh you would look SO much prettier if you had some lip filler, or Botox or another medical treatment or lost weight (she was a size 6/8) etc. basically he quietly undermined her confidence for years. Now she is skin and bone but thinks she is fat injecting monjaro as she lies about her current weight when buying.

I could go on but it was all very subtle behaviour including secret financial abuse (diverting assets) couched in an "I'm helping" tone delivered very calmly/nicely to keep her confused and on the back foot.

It took her YEARS to realise/accept she was in an abusive relationship.

I'm not saying you are in an abusive relationship as obviously this is onkybansnapshotbof your life. However, I will say his behaviour re this is controlling and manipulative.

*only a snapshot of your life

What other controlling things does he do?

Tell him if it happens again something of his will go in the bin - and follow through.

Maybe clear a drawer, filing tray, magazine holder or even a nice box with a lid and tell him (and the cleaner) that all your mail goes in that location unopened from now on. He can still do the tidying up bit but into a space you've chosen. You just need to make sure you go through your post regularly so there's always space for the new stuff. If he still keeps opening your post then you know you've got a bigger problem.

I’d tell him that opening someone else's mail is actually a criminal offence under the Postal Services Act 2000, punishable by up to 6m in prison. So if he does it again, you’ll report him.

Oh, and there are no exemptions for married partners unless they have an enacted legal power of attorney due to your incapacity.

Oops clicked YABU but meant YANBU.

The opening mail in itself wouldn’t bother me at all, my husband & I have often done this especially if the other person is busy e.g. we currently have 2 under 2 and I’m breastfeeding my 5 week old round the clock- I’m perfectly happy for him to sort through and bin the junk mail, action anything that needs sorting out etc but the only time he or I would ever bin something without checking first is if it was clearly junk mail, and the difference is we have discussed it and both know we don’t have any issue with it.

How strange, has he got mh issues?

thanks for all the responses. i will discuss this thread with him later.

Who exactly does he think he is?

Open your post when you get it?

Tell him to reimburse you for the magazines you've paid for and never had the opportunity to read! Definitely out of line.

I leave anything addressed to DH for him to open. But if it's still sat there two or three days later then I deal with it, and if that involves recycling magazines that I know he won't read and will just clutter up the living room, then into the recycling they go.

If he told me not to do this, then I would get a plastic storage box and chuck all his mail in there instead.

If you have clearly said don't do it, then he is being unreasonable. But at the same time, if you are knowingly leaving stuff around, which he in turn doesn't like, then you are also being unreasonable.

Get a box so that he can put your unread mail into it and keep it tidy.

Yes, this.

allaboutperspective. (apt i’d for what I’m about to ask😊): would your DH be content with you doing the same with his mail?
My ‘D’H (a few week ago now) decided to read some of my medical mail, yes it had already been opened & read by me, but frankly he still had no right to, I was livid & shouted @ him telling him so. Then I added what I’ve put above, he became very sheepish, muttered that i was correct & crept away…..as well he should, since there are other pieces of my mail I know he’s meddled with before. Idiotically he was trained as a solicitor! so I’ve told him if I ever find this again I’m gonna tell his solicitor friends.
I hope you can find some similar threat to prevent your DH from ‘tidying’ ever again.

I have, this morning, opened 6 month's worth of my partner's mail, removed the personal details, & thrown 95% of it in the recycling. When, many years ago, I first visited his house, there was 5 years worth of unopened mail in the hallway - a layer so thick that you couldn't see the carpet, a lot for previous occupants. When we moved in together, I told him that our house wasn't going to get like that so we have a place where mail goes and when it gets full, I clear it.

The difference with this and the OP is that I have permission from him to do this.

I get that but it was my opinion that isn’t the let thats the problem. The problem is that he is throwing things in the bin.

I think it is!

To be honest, I usually open all the mail that comes in. Not immediately, only after DH has left his on the side for a day! He never opens mine, but that’s probably because I open it immediately.
On the other hand, we never look at each other’s phones unless it’s next to us when a notification comes through then we would just pass it over. We both have face recognition so we can’t open it even if we wanted to. (actually we could as we know each other’s passcodes 😂)

Make sure the next correspondence that arrives for you is from a divorce lawyer.

I pressed YABU by mistake so discard my vote . He absolutely should not be opening your mail. I’d start throwing his in the bin

I don't even open my children's post as soon as they are old enough to open it, so I would be fuming if anyone touched mine

but unopened post would drive me crazy very quickly, and I might start to open it to make a point. I would be very vocal about having to do it.

You start missing things or info when you don't bother opening the post regularly, it's a 40sec job to glance at the content.

I cannot believe you even need to ask this question.