Husband opens my mail

[allaboutperspective]

Just a sense check. AIBU? My husband opens my mail, including professional magazine subscriptions, and bins it/puts in recycling before I have seen it. I’ve explained this feels controlling and asked him not to do this. He said I was being negative and critical, and he does it to avoid mess. I have asked him not to do this before.
We both work full time, house is minor messy, pretty tidy considering we have kids, we also have a cleaner once a week.

YABU: He has the right to open and chuck it.

YANBU: He should leave the mail alone if addressed to his wife.

As others have said whilst you don't view him as controlling, his behaviour is controlling and showing you he is boss.

And it isn't negative to want to read a subscription you pay for. He knows this and is manipulating you/trying to shut you up. It is quite insidious behaviour tbh.

I have been married for 30+ years. My husband has never opened my mail nor have I opened his.
It is both unacceptable and illegal to do so.

We both pull our weight around the house. I believe we both trust each other. But I don’t think he respects my belongings or sometimes things that matter to me. I also think he struggles with taking feedback and often falls into defensiveness.

I do think he can be controlling with things like this, and doesn’t listen when I say how it makes me feel.
But he’s not controlling about things like who I see, would not check my phone etc, isn’t jealous.

I think it’s fairly okay that he was opening it in the first place, but now you’ve told him to stop and he’s still doing it. No.

But OP has told him she doesn't want him to open them but he refuses to stop

This was my first thought too.

Tell your obnoxious me-myself-and-I husband that under The Postal Services Act 2000, he's actually breaking the law with the intent to cause detriment, and you can 1-Seek legal action and have him fined heavily. 2-Have him jailed, or 3-Both.

He's a control freak.

He thinks you are so unintelligent that you don't know what he's doing.

He's up himself.

He needs to be put out with the rubbish!

Trouble is, when you’re in a relationship where boundaries are blurred and/or it is abusive or verging on it, you’ve usually been gaslit to such an extent you honestly don’t know it’s unreasonable or wrong, and need a sense check.

When people are controlling and/or abusive it’s often a slow drip, drip, drip of behaviour and ‘normal’ becomes unclear.

My professional body offers an option to receive its magazine and other communications in online form. That might be a solution to the unwanted-mess-and-clutter issue. The disrespectful-and-controlling-husband issue is more difficult. Personally, I'd put him in the bin.

i open my husbands mail unless it looks personal like a letter. I do t think that’s your issue. The issue is you’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t. That is really not ok.

This is deeply fucked up and you should not tolerate it. If he doesn't like the mail lying around untidily, get a letter rack for him to put your unopened mail in. Tidying up is absolutely not a justification for opening your mail. The fact that he refuses to stop doing it is also concerning.

Yes I do this too with DH post. He doesn't mind though.

DH receives numerous things that fall into this category- professional magazines and hobby related ones. His process is:

1. leave unopened on kitchen table for maybe a week.
2. open, but leave wrapping and junk mail inserts in the same location, maybe another week
3. move magazine between bedroom, hall, kitchen for a few months. This will now join others in the to-read backlog, but in no circumstances will these be kept together by type or in chronological order.
4. may make it into his office (and therefore out of my sight and I don’t care)
5. eventually read and stored/recycled.

For this reason, and with his permission, I do generally open his post and recycle the envelope and junky bits. I wouldn’t recycle any magazines without him seeing them though (however pissed off I may be at seeing them pile up randomly throughout the house).

My parents opened each other's mail so I grew up thinking it was normal couple behaviour. Only when I moved in with DH did I realise it wasn't. However, I do open his now (with his agreement) otherwise it goes unopened.
So from my point of view I wouldn't have a problem with the opening but the throwing away is not ok.

This is quite true for those saying it is incorrect, look at the Postal Services Act of 2000. "It is an offence to intentionally delay or open a postal packet, or to open one you know or suspect was incorrectly delivered to you, especially if done to cause detriment to the recipient."

My ex use to do this.
Its yet another example of passive aggressive control......

Yet another MN post where a woman is allowing a man to treat her wishes with disrespect.

We don't know what he is like as a husband, but grow up and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop.

I never understand the point of these type of threads, do you really need to ask the answer is glaringly obvious 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's being a twat. Weirdly, my OH is just starting to do this too, and my packages, after all these years. I've asked him to stop too and he hasn't. I sense a falling out soon...

How many days? My husband leaves things forever until I clear it and it drives me mad and especially as it sits next to the bin. I always am the one to sort through and bin stuff. I give him his post and he just leaves it opened or in his space dumped in a pile.

Could it be OCD? Odd it only relates to your stuff though.

Its very unhealthy and not ok

Because sometimes you are so ground down you begin to doubt yourself .

He should not throw your mail away.
However, if you haven't read it immediately and you know he may throw it away then put it in your bedside drawer or similar.
And on his birthday open all his cards and put them in the bin.