Husband opens my mail

[allaboutperspective]

Just a sense check. AIBU? My husband opens my mail, including professional magazine subscriptions, and bins it/puts in recycling before I have seen it. I’ve explained this feels controlling and asked him not to do this. He said I was being negative and critical, and he does it to avoid mess. I have asked him not to do this before.
We both work full time, house is minor messy, pretty tidy considering we have kids, we also have a cleaner once a week.

YABU: He has the right to open and chuck it.

YANBU: He should leave the mail alone if addressed to his wife.

It's illegal in some countries.

It's also a gross invasion of privacy. But you know this already.

Opening is not great - but I would be even more annoyed about throwing things before you have even seen them, that’s infuriating.

Nobody should open someone else’s post - but can I ask, for how long do you leave unopened post on the side before he does this?

My husband and I open each others mail, whoever picks it up first. But that’s because we don’t mind, you do so he shouldn’t!

It sounds like it's not personal mail, just junk mail. I tend to open them no matter if they are addressed to me or DH otherwise they just sit on the side. Often I just bin and don't even bother to open. A magazine subscription isn't junk mail though, so I wouldn't touch that.

If this were a case of his recycling "junk mail", he might well have neutral or even good intentions. But treating material you've intentionally subscribed to and perhaps paid for, related to your work which doesn't involve him, AFTER he has been told that you need and want to read these publications and do NOT want them thrown away before you see them, is an odd thing to do. If his belief/message is that your work is so trivial that the materials related to it are junk, I'm sure you know that's not acceptable, reasonable, or benign.

This isn't the act of a rational person or a caring and respectful partner. If you're not willing to act more decisively to stop him and you can't persuade him, you could either (1) make sure you get to the mail before he does each day or (2) have these items delivered to your work address or to a friend or neighbour who'll put them aside for you to pick up or open a PO Box. But of course you know that you shouldn't have to do this!!

That’s outrageous! No way would I accept that. He’s taking away your agency and not respecting you as an independent person. Show him this thread if he doesn’t believe you.

I would like to read my professional subscription mags. I don’t store these, they will get recycled once done with.

Why are you even trying to justify why you don’t want him doing it.

Its your mail and he has absolutely no right opening it or throwing it away.

Does he wfh?

Do you throw away other people's mail even if they pay for the contents? Fo you vet your families work mail and decide what they dont need?

He's in the wrong here, OP, he should not be throwing away mail that you haven't even seen yourself then put the blame on you for asking him not to do so!

Fortunately I don't have this problem at home, DP is one who will leave mail unopened for years if I don't open it (his permission given early on in our relationship). The only mail of his I don't open is personal items like Christmas cards or letters. If I left it he'd miss voting applications, health checks, bills, you name it! 😂

We literally get bills so I'm not throwing away contents 🤷‍♀️.
If you are referring go receiving a parcel why the hell would I throw out someone's parcel they have received? Seriously why would you think I was suggesting that?
I don't think I've had a families work email in my life. We get the dog insurance on an email to my husbands email and its sits in there until we need it...

No problem on the opening part but throwing it away without giving it to you or letting you know isn’t right.

Are his other household things excessive ....does he have OCD? Does he throw other things that are not his? Could you have a box to clear each....dump things in the each persons box and make it a job once every few days for each person to clear.

So opens it, makes the decision whether or not it's important or relevant to you, inevitably concludes it can't be important if it's yours and chucks it in the bin?!

Yeah that's bang out of order. Does he literally open bank stuff, personal handwritten cards and letters etc? He shouldn't be reading any of it nor should he be throwing it away. So why open it?

2% thinking he's right? I'm amazed it's that high.

Very controlling and completely unacceptable.

O open DHs mail... but the important bit its with his permission. When he's travelling for work, I open it and send him photos. Which could be important if for example i ts a parking fine, or a reminder for car tax. I'd leave a magazine as that's not time sensitive.

I open DH's mail because he's fine with it, I tend to be around more than him. I wouldn't chuck any of it though till he'd seen it/I'd checked with him.

We open each other's mail because it's easier and because DH in particular has form for forgetting to open things (e.g. parking fines, which then double!) but you've asked him not to so he should stop.

I came on to say this . My ex husband used to open my mail and it was one of the ( many ) reasons he is an ex . He was even told by his own lawyer that it was wrong !

Get a mailbox and you keep the key

Days perhaps, although we both do this. Neither of us is always perfect with things like this as we both work a lot. I work more hours per week than my husband.

I mean, if it was the odd one he was opening by mistake then I have nothing to hide.

But opening them and binning them is unacceptable

Christ I’d be fuming if anyone opened my post!! Why are you not absolutely raging at him OP?? Get mad! 😠

Tell him, that if he EVER opens your post again, the next letter he opens will be a filing for divorce!

How fucking dare he?? 😡

YANBU but if you leave it hanging around for days before opening I get why he feels annoyed. My husband gives low priority to post especially what looks like unimportant circulars etc. I gather it all up after a few days and put it in his study. Do you have a rack or box or something your post can go in until you get around to opening it? That will help him deal with the untidy house and satisfy your need for privacy.

My sister was married to someone that did this. He could have as many belongings as he liked, but her things would randomly disappear. Post, kitchen appliances etc usually when he was irritated with her. He also cited a need for tidiness but didn't (doesn't) actually do anything around the house. My sister is now OCD and a shell of her former self as his nastiness progressed to financial/physical abuse but only after he thought he had trapped her with children.