Husband opens my mail

[allaboutperspective]

Just a sense check. AIBU? My husband opens my mail, including professional magazine subscriptions, and bins it/puts in recycling before I have seen it. I’ve explained this feels controlling and asked him not to do this. He said I was being negative and critical, and he does it to avoid mess. I have asked him not to do this before.
We both work full time, house is minor messy, pretty tidy considering we have kids, we also have a cleaner once a week.

YABU: He has the right to open and chuck it.

YANBU: He should leave the mail alone if addressed to his wife.

This is a massive invasion of privacy, just like looking through someone’s phone. We would never do this in our household.

My husband used to do similar..... I think his parents had a very relaxed attitude to that sort of thing, whereas mine didn't: only the named person opened their own mail. I pulled him up on it a few times and he stopped doing it. I would say your problem is not so much that he does it, but that you have asked him not to and he still does it, which unsurprisingly makes you feel disrespected. Is it the only problem you have or are there other signs of disrespect in your relationship?

Bad enough that he opens your mail but even worse that he bins/recycles before you can even read it! That’s awful & needs to stop OP.

What fucking idiot/s voted YABU?

Or is the nasty, abusive DH on MN?

This.
I do hate these posts where OP lists out a range of obviously unacceptable behaviour and then asks Am I being unreasonable?

I was going to say exactly this. Apart from being illegal, I would be livid if my husband opened any of my letters unless I specifically asked him to.

Bloody hell of course he mustn't do this

I would come down on this like a ton of bricks

Is this the tip of the iceberg of a controlling arsehole OP? I am quite concerned - this is not normal.

And this. Just waiting for the follow up where
OP reveals DH other usually far more appalling behaviour. But we’ll start with opening the mail.

I never open anyone’s post. He needs to stop.

Does he mind or is he a quiet life sort?

What's wrong with putting it to one side and he can open it later?

It's a horrible entitlement trait to have in a person. Mine hates opening mail but I still don't open it for him unless he tells me too while I'm on the phone with him.

I couldn't stand for this OP. Get angry with him. Tell him to pack it the fuck in or it'll erode your relationship.

Totally disrespectful if you’ve asked him not to open it.

Red flag. Is he controlling in other parts if your relationship.

I would send myself a glitterbomb in the post (assuming they are still a thing). A nice shower of sparkles all over him might help get the message across.

I quite like this idea.

With a note inside saying 'stop opening my fucking mail'

Again I must be living on another planet to everyone else on MN.
We wouldn't think twice about opening each others mail. Been together over 20 years, Whoever picks the posts up opens it.
We are one family unit, we have the same bills, bank etc.

We open each others mail sometimes but know what each other would be interested in reading or would want binning. Any doubt, it’s kept for the other to see. We’re happy with that.

In this case though, you’re not happy with him doing, you have asked him not to so he should just leave it for you to open and sort. A pile of post isn’t mess anyway, unless you’re leaving it for ages and then keeping stuff you’re not interested in,

Opening each others mail with agreement is fine - choosing to bin items of someone else's mail is not.

My DH wouldn't dream of opening my mail, nor me his. Similarly, he wouldn't dream of looking in my handbag.

It's about boundaries and boundaries aee strongest where there's trust.

Anything addressed to us both, he leavea for me.

I value privacy and so any sort of opening my mail or going through my phone would be the end of the relationship for me.

You are a grown adult, not a child living in your parents home.

It is, if the intent is malicious. I reckon throwing it out against OP's wishes could hardly be seen as a positive act.

Thank you all for your replies, this is so helpful. It’s been an issue for a longtime. He is not controlling about things like who I see, friends, etc. But is with household stuff and how things are done at home. Will throw away stuff if it’s untidy.
Neither of us are inherently messy people,
our house is fairly tidy and clean for a family with young kids, but not perfect. We both work a lot, I work a bit more than full time. We both probably leave an equal amount of clutter around due to being busy with work / life / kids.
I don’t like the mail thing because it feels controlling to me, and I would like to read my professional subscription mags. I don’t store these, they will get recycled once done with.

On the face of it I see no issue with the post opening at all. I’ve been opening my DH post for years and I couldn’t care less if he opens mine. However the big issue is that you’ve asked him
not to do it and he has dismissed it. If he’s doing it to keep the place tidy. Find a place for him to put your post so that it’s not in the way and make sure you’re not leaving it 3 weeks so it’s all pulling up.

Yes he is controlling. You asked him not to / and you shouldn’t have to ask. The fact you have already asked him to stop implies he is aware that it is causing you ‘harm’ as you don’t want him to.

This is AI, but the court or police would consider this controlling behaviour from him and it is really not on……

Yes, it is illegal in the UK to intentionally open someone else's mail without permission under the
Postal Services Act 2000, with offenses including opening incorrectly delivered mail with intent to cause harm, potentially leading to fines or imprisonment, as mail privacy is taken seriously.

He shouldn't be opening your mail if you've asked him to stop and he shouldn't be throwing things away.
If you are leaving things for a week or so to pile up maybe that annoys him so make a habit of dealing with the mail straight away and putting the subscription mags somewhere until you have read them.

We are not in the same profession.