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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend asked him for money

86 replies

Ruggyleaf · 19/12/2025 23:58

Help me settle a debate here…

DH has a friend from uni who never made it out in the real world. He’s not THAT close to DH but they keep in touch because they have fun ‘guy’ conversations online. Anyway. Long story short, this friend lost his job recently and asked DH for £30. He said he’ll pay him back 22nd of the month (think he has some temporary job now). My DH didn’t question this at all and sent the money straight away. He told me about this when he came back from work and I was annoyed because:

  • He didn’t ask why he needed the money
  • Dh’s money is my money. We should discuss such situations before actioning. I am on mat leave atm and every penny counts. I can do A LOT with £30 rn.
DH thinks it’s not a big amount if he doesn’t pay him back and he feels sorry for him for losing his job but this guy has a drinking history etc so I would have at least questioned why he needed the money!! Plus he is not a close friend!!

I also find it so bizarre to ask for £30. Who doesn’t have £30 in their bank account?? THOUGHTS!? AIBU for giving DH a hard time about it or not? 😂

bet another £30 he won’t pay him back 😜

OP posts:
onwards2025 · 20/12/2025 00:05

I think you're allowed to question it and raise your reasons for why it may not be for the best and avoid it becoming a regular occurrence, but as a one off and at £30 it's not what I would expect to have to ask permission to give someone of my choosing, as either a loan or a gift

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 20/12/2025 00:07

It’s only £30, fair enough if it’s an ongoing problem but I wouldn’t mind as a one off

Crazyclover · 20/12/2025 00:11

A lot of people don’t have £30 in their bank account …..

sundaysurfing · 20/12/2025 00:17

I think, if your DH wants to help his friend and lend or even give his friend £30, that’s up to him. If it was £300, it would be understandable that you would want to be consulted, if you can’t afford it.
if one of your friends needed help and came to you, I’m sure you’d want to help them and lend them £30 without having to ask your DH permission. If you posted that on here, I’m sure many posters would say you were being controlled by him.
I wouldn’t mention it again and would considerate it a charity donation. For grown man to ask another man for 30 quid, times must be hard for him. Maybe he needs some compassion, maybe he needed some coke, but you’ll never know.

LonelyPotato · 20/12/2025 00:18

Crazyclover · 20/12/2025 00:11

A lot of people don’t have £30 in their bank account …..

This

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2025 00:28

I read the thread title and thought this was going to be four figures. It's £30. Ì can't see the issue and I don't accept your dh should have consulted you for £30.

ReturnToRiding · 20/12/2025 00:31

I’d lend my friend £30 in a heartbeat. Unless you also don’t have £30. I wouldn’t be asking permission from my spouse. It’s £30. £3000 and it would be totally different.

horseplay12 · 20/12/2025 00:33

For £30?? Crikey - controlling over money much?

I really wouldn’t ever ask DH for ‘permission’ to lend a friend £30

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 20/12/2025 00:33

Don't think he needed to ask you permission on this but if you aren't managing then yes I would be annoyed

Diarygirlqueen · 20/12/2025 00:41

I would be viewing my husband differently if he reacted like you if I lent my friend £30.

mondaytosunday · 20/12/2025 00:43

I’d lend a friend £30 no issue. It would not occur to me to mention it to my partner. Anything over £100 I would though.

JDM625 · 20/12/2025 00:45

Given the info you have, I'd think that my DH knows this man more than I do and I'd trust my DH's judgement and he gave £30 on good faith. Clearly- you don't trust your DH, there is history or things have maybe been difficult since having a baby?

NO- I wouldn't expect DH to discuss a £30 loan with me beforehand. If this became a habit then yes.

Cardinalita90 · 20/12/2025 00:46

I think you're coming across as quite controlling that you expect him to consult you over £30. Your comment about who doesn't have that in their account suggests you don't think it's that much anyway.

Just let this go as an isolated occurrence.

Pollqueen · 20/12/2025 00:49

It's £30 and your DH's friend so not your business and YABU and extremely privileged to say who doesn't have £30 in their bank account

Sometimessmiling · 20/12/2025 00:52

sundaysurfing · 20/12/2025 00:17

I think, if your DH wants to help his friend and lend or even give his friend £30, that’s up to him. If it was £300, it would be understandable that you would want to be consulted, if you can’t afford it.
if one of your friends needed help and came to you, I’m sure you’d want to help them and lend them £30 without having to ask your DH permission. If you posted that on here, I’m sure many posters would say you were being controlled by him.
I wouldn’t mention it again and would considerate it a charity donation. For grown man to ask another man for 30 quid, times must be hard for him. Maybe he needs some compassion, maybe he needed some coke, but you’ll never know.

Your so right and helping someone is something to be proud of.

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 00:52

Maybe your dh should have run it by you first but surely you aren’t so tone deaf as to understand that many people don’t have £30 in their bank? If you can’t afford it that’s an issue. If he doesn’t repay it that’s also an issue.
You say you can do a lot with £30 - is there a reason you haven’t?

NewCushions · 20/12/2025 00:52

YaBU for not understanding how people.can havr no money.

I can understand not wanting to loan money to random bloke. But you clearly dont actually see £30 as that mich so, as a once off, you are being ridiculous to have an issue with your dh loaning that amount to an old friend.

WelshRabBite · 20/12/2025 01:08

The OP clearly says “every penny counts” at the moment, so it sounds like this £30 could, for example, dictate what does/doesn’t get put in the shopping trolley this week.

OP, I would ensure this only affects your DH as much as possible, so for example, if you need nappies but now can’t afford your H’s Christmas beer, he goes without. If he also needs to walk to work this week instead of filling up (part of) the car with petrol, so be it.

Obviously if you get the money paid you can buy the beer/petrol/whatever.

If things are that tight, make sure it’s not you/the baby that suffers if possible.

FrodoBiggins · 20/12/2025 01:12

Find it a bit odd that you are shocked he needs £30 (suggesting you think everyone should have a reasonable cushion in savings) but also you personally see £30 as a large amount you can't afford to be without for a week and should be consulted over.

Vaxtable · 20/12/2025 01:16

Lots of people don’t have £30 in their bank account

Nowimfeelinghurt · 20/12/2025 01:25

It must be seriously terrifying to have no money in the bank at all. I’m know I’m fortunate to think that and I do appreciate it.

IAmKerplunk · 20/12/2025 01:29

FrodoBiggins · 20/12/2025 01:12

Find it a bit odd that you are shocked he needs £30 (suggesting you think everyone should have a reasonable cushion in savings) but also you personally see £30 as a large amount you can't afford to be without for a week and should be consulted over.

Very good point

Franpie · 20/12/2025 01:29

If a friend needed £30 I would give it to them no questions asked and wouldn’t consider it a loan.

And I would no more ask my DH about it than I would asking him if I could get my nails done.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/12/2025 01:35

You definitely made sure that you portrayed this friend as a certain type of character, he may well be a drunk drop out, or a genuine desperate friend.
I wouldn't have a lot of money either but I feel desperately sorry for people who have very little this time of year.
Hopefully the friend returns it promptly or your husband will never hear the end of it from you.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/12/2025 02:00

If you can do a lot with £30 and every penny counts at the moment then you either don't have a spare £30 in which case you dont have £30 just sitting in yout bank or you are being over dramatic about lending him £30. Do you only have family money or do you have separate personal fun money.