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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s friend asked him for money

86 replies

Ruggyleaf · 19/12/2025 23:58

Help me settle a debate here…

DH has a friend from uni who never made it out in the real world. He’s not THAT close to DH but they keep in touch because they have fun ‘guy’ conversations online. Anyway. Long story short, this friend lost his job recently and asked DH for £30. He said he’ll pay him back 22nd of the month (think he has some temporary job now). My DH didn’t question this at all and sent the money straight away. He told me about this when he came back from work and I was annoyed because:

  • He didn’t ask why he needed the money
  • Dh’s money is my money. We should discuss such situations before actioning. I am on mat leave atm and every penny counts. I can do A LOT with £30 rn.
DH thinks it’s not a big amount if he doesn’t pay him back and he feels sorry for him for losing his job but this guy has a drinking history etc so I would have at least questioned why he needed the money!! Plus he is not a close friend!!

I also find it so bizarre to ask for £30. Who doesn’t have £30 in their bank account?? THOUGHTS!? AIBU for giving DH a hard time about it or not? 😂

bet another £30 he won’t pay him back 😜

OP posts:
MermaidMummy06 · 20/12/2025 02:35

I understand OP's position, though. We're not grasping for money, but have a tight budget to afford everything we need & still have savings. I was getting annoyed at DH for stopping to buy treats every Sunday on the way to visiting his DF. Not cheap ones, either. Reason I was peeved was I was forgoing treats, activities and anything non essential for myself to meet our budget & he was splurging that money on someone else. His DF doesn't need the treats, or money. We found a compromise but DH still slips occasionally so I let it go.

As a one off, I'd let it go, but be wary because requests for money are never just once. His friend will be back for more, sooner or later.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 20/12/2025 02:42

As a one off is it really a big deal?

If £30 is a lot to you then it is odd you are asking if some people really don't have that ( no they don't)

It's reasonable for you to tell DH it needs to be a one off

DeathStare · 20/12/2025 02:42

If a friend needed to borrow £30 from me as a one-off and I had it to lend them, I'd lend it. And I wouldn't ask them questions about why. If a partner tried to stop me doing that I'd consider them very controlling and I'd be seriously thinking about my relationship.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 20/12/2025 02:44

WelshRabBite · 20/12/2025 01:08

The OP clearly says “every penny counts” at the moment, so it sounds like this £30 could, for example, dictate what does/doesn’t get put in the shopping trolley this week.

OP, I would ensure this only affects your DH as much as possible, so for example, if you need nappies but now can’t afford your H’s Christmas beer, he goes without. If he also needs to walk to work this week instead of filling up (part of) the car with petrol, so be it.

Obviously if you get the money paid you can buy the beer/petrol/whatever.

If things are that tight, make sure it’s not you/the baby that suffers if possible.

If things are this tight, the OP wouldn't be asking if there are really people who don't have £30 in their bank account, surely?

Tourmalines · 20/12/2025 03:34

First of all, a lot of people don’t have £30 in their account . Secondly your husband told you so you know about it . A one off is the only time to lend and no more . If a woman was to share this story and her husband was questioning her you can bet 99% of the replies on here would say he’s controlling .

Topseyt123 · 20/12/2025 03:53

Plenty of people don't have £30 in their bank account. It says a lot about how out of touch you are if you think that everyone does!

Your DH mentioned this to you. After the event I suppose, but he did. I get why you are uncomfortable I suppose, but I think just saying that it mustn't become a regular thing would have sufficed here.

Justchilling07 · 20/12/2025 04:05

Op, you sound quite controlling, it’s an old friend of your DH, it’s £30!
You think he should have consulted you first, get a grip!

LittleCarrot12 · 20/12/2025 04:34

If you are surprised someone wouldn’t have £30 you are very lucky. It’s not the end of the world but I’d make clear to set boundaries as I doubt it will be a one off

Planesmistakenforstars · 20/12/2025 04:39

Lots of people don't have £30 in their bank account. The fact you think they do suggests it's an amount he can afford to lend, or afford to lose. If I was in that position I would lend the money to a friend. If he doesn't pay it back, lesson learned. You also seem quite determined that you can guage the level, value and closeness of your husband's friendship, and not him.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 20/12/2025 04:49

Do you ask your DH every time you want to spend £30?

I assume his wages is covering this. If it was a greater amount I would understand. And definitely think you should warn against this not becoming a repeated payment. But as a 1 off, it's his call how he spends part of his wage. You may not feel this friendship is validated, but your DH obviously feels this friend means something to him. Not every friendship presents itself in the same way

SeriaMau · 20/12/2025 05:07

Christmas time. A friend. £30…

thepariscrimefiles · 20/12/2025 06:08

MermaidMummy06 · 20/12/2025 02:35

I understand OP's position, though. We're not grasping for money, but have a tight budget to afford everything we need & still have savings. I was getting annoyed at DH for stopping to buy treats every Sunday on the way to visiting his DF. Not cheap ones, either. Reason I was peeved was I was forgoing treats, activities and anything non essential for myself to meet our budget & he was splurging that money on someone else. His DF doesn't need the treats, or money. We found a compromise but DH still slips occasionally so I let it go.

As a one off, I'd let it go, but be wary because requests for money are never just once. His friend will be back for more, sooner or later.

I think people are responding to OP saying 'who doesn't have £30 in their bank account???'. Lots of people, particularly single people on UC, won't have £30 in their bank accounts so that is a particularly tone-deaf statement by OP. There are often posts on here, particularly on the 'Cost of Living' board where people are posting because they do have absolutely no money.

It also rather invalidates her argument which is that every penny counts for her at the moment. So it's a bit like Schrödinger's cat, where £30 is simultaneously a small and large amount of money.

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2025 06:16

I wouldn't ask my dh before sending 30 quid to a friend so yabu really.

Original poster
Ruggyleaf · 20/12/2025 06:21

I understand financially, £30 is not much. As I am on mat leave, though, it is still an amount that I would not spend without thinking though. I also don’t understand how my DH didn’t bother questioning it at all. Fair enough if it’s no big deal. I get it. But I’d wanted ti know why

OP posts:
hmmnotreallysure · 20/12/2025 06:24

Crazyclover · 20/12/2025 00:11

A lot of people don’t have £30 in their bank account …..

This. Just because it's not much to you, doesn't mean it's not a heck of a lot to other people.

Bjorkdidit · 20/12/2025 06:38

Surprised how this thread has gone. Normally MN sees through this sort of person.

If he pays DH back on the 22nd, all good.

However, a lot more likely will be that he won't get the money back but at least it's only £30. When people get to the stage of asking to 'borrow' money from distant friends it's almost always because they'd rinsed through all their families and close friends goodwill, after repeatedly failing to pay money back.

A few years ago DP was contacted by a mutual friend with a sob story about being unable to buy food and nappies for her disabled DS. He sent her about £100 which she assured him she'd pay back when her benefits came in.

WIthin a few hours, she was sending him screenshots of her bank account which was deep into an overdraft, asking for more money, because obviously the £100 had only gone into the black hole of her overdraft, which the bank had then taken as repayment, not to allow her to spend.

Unfortunately it also showed a £100+ Sky bill, a £60 pm phone contract and a payment at a beauty salon. So clearly she had made no attempt to live within her means or prioritise like an adult so had effectively spent her food money on luxuries and then tried to guilt people into paying for her essentials. DP wouldn't send her any more money but did offer advice on how to talk to the bank - obviously something needed to be done to avoid them trying to take the overdraft back in one hit. Later on it seemed she had also been in touch with several other distant friends asking for money. This sounds like a similar case, my guess is that he wanted to go out boozing on Mad Friday.

grinchmcgrinchface · 20/12/2025 06:40

Eh? Do you have to ask your DHs permission everytime you spend money too? What a weird relationship.

LoveWine123 · 20/12/2025 06:42

You sound like a treat🙄

Cakeandcardio · 20/12/2025 07:09

You said YOU can do a lot with £30 so why not this man? Many many peopld do not have £30 - especially so close to Christmas.

Original poster
Ruggyleaf · 20/12/2025 07:09

@Bjorkdidit thank you. This is my point exactly. He is a distant friend from years ago at uni! I’d have at least asked WHY he needed it?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 20/12/2025 07:12

bet another £30 he won’t pay him back

yabu to make that bet with your DH money lol

baubletime · 20/12/2025 07:14

I can’t get beyond this comment you made OP.

I also find it so bizarre to ask for £30. Who doesn’t have £30 in their bank.

Forty85 · 20/12/2025 07:15

Wouldn't bother me at all if my DH gave a friend a loan of £30, I certainely wouldn't expect him to ask me first. I'd always help a friend who is struggling if I can and would be happy for my DH to do the same. It's literally two days until the 22nd. The only thing I wouldn't want to do, because I don't think it helps the person, is for it to become a regular thing. Once off fine, hopefully it will be now he has a new temp job.

HippopotamusForChristmas · 20/12/2025 07:18

Agree OP you sound suffocating. If it was a grand then maybe.

tilypu · 20/12/2025 07:19

I wouldn't loan a friend £30. If they needed it, and it's a one off, I would give them it without any expectation of it being returned. And then, unless they asked again, I would forget about it.

I don't think I would mention it to a partner, and I certainly wouldn't expect any criticism for having done it, if I did mention it.

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