DH’s friend asked him for money

[Ruggyleaf]

Help me settle a debate here…

DH has a friend from uni who never made it out in the real world. He’s not THAT close to DH but they keep in touch because they have fun ‘guy’ conversations online. Anyway. Long story short, this friend lost his job recently and asked DH for £30. He said he’ll pay him back 22nd of the month (think he has some temporary job now). My DH didn’t question this at all and sent the money straight away. He told me about this when he came back from work and I was annoyed because:

• He didn’t ask why he needed the money
• Dh’s money is my money. We should discuss such situations before actioning. I am on mat leave atm and every penny counts. I can do A LOT with £30 rn.

DH thinks it’s not a big amount if he doesn’t pay him back and he feels sorry for him for losing his job but this guy has a drinking history etc so I would have at least questioned why he needed the money!! Plus he is not a close friend!!

I also find it so bizarre to ask for £30. Who doesn’t have £30 in their bank account?? THOUGHTS!? AIBU for giving DH a hard time about it or not? 😂

bet another £30 he won’t pay him back 😜

I think it's pretty obvious why, you even said it yourself, he lost his job so was obviously struggling. So demeaning to ask a friend who is in a difficult situation financially and has built up confidence to ask for a loan, to then make them explain exactly what for.

You're now also trying to minimise the friendship saying he is a distant friend, but he's not that distant if they are having "guy" convos online and keeping in touch that way. Just because he isn't physically seeing him, they went to uni together and are talking online so I wouldn't call that distant. A distant friend is someone you rarely see and very rarely speak to online or in any other way.

The one off £30 wouldn't concern me in itself. But I would not want DH to get himself into a position where he becomes asked more frequently.

It's a small amount and as a one-off I'd accept it. However I'd ask DH to not be lending him any further amounts. I think a lot of people get paid early before Christmas, hence him saying he'll pay back on the 22nd. The danger is that they then have to stretch that pay out until the end of January. Now that your DH has lent once, and willingly, there's a good chance this man will ask again next time he's short. That's not a road you want to be travelling down, especially if you're budgeting yourselves right now.

@Binus yes, we have both agreed on this 😊 ultimately it’s no big deal all of this. I would have liked DH to have a bit more scrutiny I suppose.

@SparklyGlitterballs agree 💯

Your DH's friend was testing the water to see how amenable he is to lending money. You can guarantee that further requests will come.

It’s £30. Unless you’re really struggling too and barely have anything in your bank then I’d just let this slide. I don’t even think I’d ask for that back, I’d treat it as a Christmas gift.

I wouldn’t ask a friend who needed £30 why they needed it - it’s not really my business why, I’m either happy to give it or I’m not.
your husband has done a nice thing, he’s helped someone out.

If my partner rang me to check if it was ok to lend his friend £30 I’d think it was part of some tacky magazine personality test he was doing on me. Yeah, a conversation about a large amount of money that would potentially affect our finances would be needed, but not £30.

I think it’s shocking that you can’t imagine a scenario where someone doesn’t have £30. I volunteer at a food bank because I’m lucky enough to be able to do that and I am very sure the people grateful for a tin of beans aren’t sitting on a healthy bank balance.

That aside - if you regularly check in with each other about how you’re spending every £10 then fair enough - this is a joint spend and a joint decision. But if you both have the autonomy to get lunch or grab a pair of trainers or go to soft play then it’s not a big deal and your husband was being kind.

£30 I woujdn’t quibble at, although I would be surprised that friend asked this favour. I would also have the conversation that no more money so he lent.

If £30 is a real issue, then you have much bigger problems to focus on.

I would leave my DH if he had a go at me for spending £30.

Yes as we are married everything is one pot but we are still adults who are allowed to spend on other things we choose to.

But I do agree he should have given more consideration as to whether it was the right thing to do to lend money to this specific friend.

Agree very contrary. It's like you want to be annoyed.

“scrutiny”? Ask for receipts so you can check exactly what it’s gone on, if he has spent it on things that don’t make you list of “acceptable things that friends who borrow money can spend the cash on” - send him a formal letter of reproach.

My husband doesn’t need my permission to lend someone £30 (!?). It’s not that much money. You’re being controlling.

I'd say it's okay as a one off but not to do it anymore. If he's struggling, ask him what he needs. I'd rather drop off basic food to help out than send money on a regular basis.

I think it’s fine but treated as a one off Christmas gift.

And I’d be priming your dh to say something along those lines to the friend if he asks again, which he probably will.

“Sorry mate I never lend money to the same person twice. Last time was a Christmas present.”

£30 on the face of it is not a concern, what is a concern is a slippery slope to higher amounts. Your dh needs to make it clear he won’t be sending anymore.

If your dh works surely he has the authority to spend 30 quid anyway he wants. If we were struggling i would have an issue but if all our bills were paid i would consider £30 helping out a friend who had lost their job at Christmas money well spent. I would be 100% ok with it. It might be your dh who needs 30 one day and how horrible would it be if his friends didnt help. 300 i would expect a conversation but 30 no yabu

I think that’s a really good response. See it as a gift.

Id be wondering if this is a ‘tester’ amount of money to see if your dh gives it and then next time he’ll ask for £50 and the next time £100 etc.

I am quite cynical though 🙈😂

The key here is he's not that friendly with your DH. That means he's asked everyone else he knows better first. They've either said a flat no or got fed up of him constantly asking or not been repaid so he's working his way down the list.

This is reason enough to be wary.

Don't expect the £30 back. Never lend what you can't afford to lose.

DH Sounds kind, you sound judgey.

”see’s through this sort of person”!!
Wow, sob stories!!! So that happened to your DP, so therefore every situation, regarding someone asking for a loan, is the same! It couldn’t possibly be genuine, it must be for a boozy mad night out!!!
You sound like a lovely friend!😬

Exactly.