Arranged for a nanny to help me with bedtime today and she just didn't turn up!

[Nightnanny0019]

I'm absolutely frazzled. Toddler and a baby, both going through sleep regressions. The toddler is suspected SEN. For a week none of us have been getting much sleep. I'm a single parent and this past week I've been needing to stay with the toddler while getting her ready for bed. This has taken anywhere from 2hours to 5.5hours and lots crying and distress.

I found a nanny is a local FB group I'm in. She checked out. Experienced, DBS, qualifications etc. We exchanged numerous messages over the course of the last 24hrs. She even messaged to confirm that I'd see her at 6pm tonight.

6pm came and she didn't. I messaged at 6.15 checking if she was lost but no answer. 6.35 I messaged again asking if she eas coming and again no answer. Then 6.45 I asked her not to come if she wasn't able to get here before 7, only because it would may disrupt my toddler so close to the time I was trying to get into her cot.

I've still not heard from her. She has my address. Knows I live alone with 2 young kids. Should I be worried or am I too frazzled to be thinking straight?

I'm actually shocked that you'd just give your address and details out to someone so freely.
It's easy enough for someone to pretend to be someone else online.
Did you thoroughly check the DBS, ID and references? You may well have dodged a bullet tonight. "Looking forward to giving you a relaxed evening" sounds a bit creepy to me.

Realistically, your toddler and baby would not have reacted well to a stranger at bedtime.

You need to find someone regular, that your kids know well.

I have a regular nanny who I've known for years but she's away at the moment.

I'm currently in the bedroom with them both on a floor mattress. They're both away and riling each other up. HmmI haven't slept all night.

Yeah but if they dont turn up the agency wont give them more work. Whereas an individual customer, nanny doesn't give a shit about sacking the client off.

Yes last christmas I was thinking my friend was becoming a bit rude after the second message she didn’t reply to. I wish I could turn back the clock and go and check on her. She wasn’t dead, but she was in a terrible state all alone with 2 dogs and 9 wks later she was gone. Now, I don’t always assume ghosting, though likelihood is I guess.

Oh bless you OP. That sounds awful. Hopefully the agency can send another nanny who is more reliable until your nanny is back. Could you look for a sleep expert who could come over?

Can you get some daytime childcare so you can rest?

Thats rough, I'm sorry OP. Do you have any daytime support you can call on today to help out? Even if just a second pair of hands/eyes/ears so you dont have to be quite so "on" today? If i had a friend in your position I'd be very happy to lend a hand in whatever capacity worked for your family.

Does the children's father have any input?

Did she ever get in touch?

I don't see anything wrong in getting a recommendation online because presumably you knew the posters suggesting her? There is the risk she got her friends to advertise her though and not former clients.

I can't though imagine employing a nanny (not a childminder/babysitter?) without interviewing her at my home first.

She ought to have contacted you. That's all there is to it.

Ever? It only happened last night!

I am so sorry OP. I don’t think you have any obligation to check on her - there are other people in her life for that.

Where are you? If anywhere near me in NE Scotland I’ll help you.

Please reach out to your friends and family - I’d not hesitate to help someone in your situation. I’d also try and speak to your GP ASAP and see if you can get melotonin or anything else to help with your toddler.

Can your normal nanny recommend anyone?

If it’s a case of getting through this period when your regular nanny is away, I’d ask about locally to see if any college or university students currently on holidays are interested, either overnight or in the daytime to give your respite.

It does get easier with 2, neither of mine slept properly until older, I did co sleep for ease, and despite having a now exh , he was away a lot so I got an inkling of what you are describing (he went away to a work “conference” when dd2 was 7 days old and dd1 was just 2 for a week.

Thanks for all your responses. It was such an awful night. My daughter usually sleeps through the night even if she fights sleep at bedtime. I just couldn't cope with them both. I ended up separating them.. ideally I'd cosleep with each separately which of course isn't an option! My son cried so much but I couldn't be with him for long periods because my daughter needed me too. I feel awful about this.

Can anyone advise the normal hourly rate for a nanny at such short notice? I'd prefer not hiring a student/teenager. My daughter's needs can be complex so someone a little more experienced is preferable.

Thanks again for your support.

I'm sure you have tried everything but just in case are there any songs or bed time stories that you could play that help them settle or at least keep them entertained for a bit so you can rest in between trying to get them to sleep? my little one's love the moshi bed time stories or 'baby mine' on repeat.

I know you'll feel rough today (and likely most days) but get them up and out of the house for fresh air, it'll help you all feel better.

I know you'll likely have checked out lots of sleep support but Just in case Lyndsey Hookway is great for evidence based advice around sleep, including around supporting SEN children.

There is also a great support group called 'beyond the sleep training project' which you can find on Facebook or Google, and they have a 'red flag' guide around sleep which could help you see if there is anything worth further investigation for your eldest one, such as low iron, which can have a big impact sleep.

Do you have any one who can pop over to watch them for a bit whilst you rest or to take even one of them out for a bit?

sending lots of love and hope you manage to rest at some point.

What you are describing is not a nanny but a babysitter.

I also think it's very unrealistic to expect your children to settle with a stranger you bring into the house.

I think kindly, you would be wiser to spend your money on a parenting expert to counsel you on sleep so your children learn to sleep without all this stress on you.

The fact both your children can't or won't sleep may show that there is something not 'right' around bedtime and how you react to their behaviour.
This is not about blaming you because I know how hard this is from my own experience (and I know I did things wrongly.) But somehow your children need to settle and not behave as they are.

It sounds as if they are both competing for your attention and there's some sibling jealousy going on as well. I'm sure you have taken advice but maybe revisit that?

Do they have a set routine with bath, no screen time, story, milky drink, cuddle, lights off- and a reward for good behaviour?

Is their father involved at all considering one is only a baby?

Bedtimes are not usually this chaotic. My daughter had been going down by 8pm and sleeping through the night until 8am since July. My son has gone through phases but he's only 10 months. I've been co sleeping with him more recently.

This only started last Friday. I suspect a combination of the 2 year regression and her molars coming through.

I'm not going to answer the question regarding their father, and invite more criticism and judgement from someone like you.

Another that came to say the same.

@Nightnanny0019 can we help make suggestions or tweaks to your bedtime routine to make it go smoother for you?

Looking at homestart now. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

Solidarity OP. Sleep deprivation is literally the worst. I hope it eases for you very soon

That's super kind. I'm in the South East unfortunately!

Regarding my routine.. nothing has changed. We tidy up together, dim the lights around 6.30/7pm to read/quiet play. Then I bath her, brush her teeth, in her sleep sack and in the cot. This has been working fine for months and she's been happy to go into the cot and sleeping through the night.

Over the past week she's refusing to get into the cot even for her daytime nap. She's holding her teeth, fingers in mouth a lot. And she's incredibly jealous of any affection I show to her brother. Because of her development delays, it's impossible to know how much she understands when I speak to her. The normal advice of saying no and being firm doesn't work with her. It's like she has no inhibitory control. I'm not talking tantrums here, but full on hysteria to the point of hyperventilation and vomited if left.

We've been screen free since July. She eats well. Lots of iron daily. Lots of protein, 5-10 portions of fruit and veg daily. No sugar. Drinks just water and milk.

Really hoping this is just a phase.

Thanks again for your responses. About to make my 2nd coffee. Will try and take them out after their naps.

It was a genuine question, not judgement. Sorry if you thought it was.

I’m in the south east and a maternity practitioner

but in fully booked

if you need someone to be up all night if your dc are settling /sleeping then you need a night nanny ideally

what area and I can recommend some agencies for you

looking £20/25ph roughly

they may not settle for a stranger but they can help support and advise you and easier having an extra pair of hands

i Will message you

No no I'm sorry. I'm frazzled I'm telling you. I know you meant well.