Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

And I wouldn't be pandering to him by scheduling regular breaks at guaranteed times (or at all) either - not unless it suited MY working practice to do so.

He's not a kid that needs picking up from nursery. Why should the OP schedule calls, breaks, length of a document to finish reading and making all the notes before it goes out of her head, etc around her idiot partner's whining need for attention?

I actually think you're in a great position to put some cast iron boundaries in place now OP, having somewhat lost your shit at him this morning. Tonight when you're both relaxed I would say something like; I didn't like what happened this morning and think we need to put something in place so it doesn't happen again. However it looks from the outside I really do need to concentrate uninterrupted when I'm working or I make mistakes/don't finish on time and I really need you to accept that that's just how my job works, even if it makes no sense to you. We basically need to behave as though I'm not here when I'm working so if I'm in my office with the door closed it's exactly the same as me being out at work and unavailable unless there's a life or death emergency. We both need to make that mental shift to me being effectively 'out at work' or I'm genuinely worried I might lose my job, or that it's going to continue to cause conflict between us and I don't want either of those things to happen.

I'm cutting him extra slack here because he's clearly having a rough time but presumably your wage is what's keeping you both afloat so he definitely needs to show more respect for your work. Hopefully you being unavailable will mean he has to redirect his energy into what he's going to do next (whether that's focusing on his recovery to get back to his old job or figuring out what he wants to do instead) so may well be positive for both of you. Being able to work without interruptions is non negotiable from now on though and he really needs to accept that.

Am sorry - this would be a sign that we are not compatible. It’s almost an insurmountable cultural difference, just work/profession-based. I’m afraid I’d also have to question the disparity of education and intellect, which no matter how much we may not like ourselves for, is very relevant. Anyone who does not understand that someone’s job in computing involves working on a computer is really not on the same intellectual level, are they?

You don't sound very well matched. How comes he's between jobs? It seems like he may he a bit of a cock lodger...

He’s a giant man child and you’re thinking of changing the way you work to baby him? If he can’t understand working on a computer then I certainly couldn’t be with someone that thick.

Your work uses your brain, his job is manual trades. So ask him how he would feel if he was trying to work, and you kept interrupting him at work to ask him to just hold some object in his hands for 30 seconds, or a minute... He'd have to completely stop what he's doing, pick up the object, hold it, return it, then get his hands back on whatever he was doing before, so he can re-start. It would be hugely disruptive to his flow. This is what he is doing to your brain. He needs to understand that.

Whether or not he can grasp the concept and needs of your working from (at?) a screen (and if he cannot, I’d say that’s a red flag the size of Kent), why isn’t it sufficient for him to be told that you may not be disturbed for trivialities while you are working?
The fact of your having said as much should have been the beginning and end of this ridiculous tussle.
What kind of man is he, that he persists in acting unconvinced?

You are setting yourself up for a hell of a time in general, I think.
Moving him in when you two are so out of sync on a basic level like this seems a bit rash to me.
Having him three times a night is one thing, and who’d blame you if all is well in that regard, but having him underfoot is quite another.
(Can he think for himself in the kitchen, for example? I tell ya, I’d want Mark Hix/Nigel Slater cookery skills in this case!)

To add when I’m working from home on something intense when I get a break I want to enjoy it quietly.
I don’t want to entertain anyone.

I understand exactly how OP feels about interruptions and this is why I am single. The human brain does not "multi task". Instead it switches from one task to another. This causes stress when it happens consistently and for long periods. I absolutely loathe being interrupted if Im doing a complex task. In fact I can become extremely angry and aggressive with the other person for failing to respect my boundaries. When I have work to do I turn off the phones, insert earplugs and play background music. I can completely dis-attend the music because its sound I have chosen. A bomb could go off outside and I would not notice.

Unfortunately OP cannot "turn of" the partner because he is a person and not a thing.

As I see it she has two choices📧

#1 impose her boundaries by teaching him to respect them

#2 move him out.

Argh STOP EXPLAINING! Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Sign on door, do not disturb. Ignore him completely if he comes in. Lock on door if that doesn't work. He doesn't get to tell you what you are doing or what you need. If he doesn't get the message it is time to ask him to move out again.

Might he understand that if you explained it was like him having to remove PPE and walk to a site entrance to look at the funny video, then put it all back on and carry on where he left off?

I get the sarcasm, but yes, TBI as well (not major but substantial).

I've read all your posts, including the updates about his injury and altered prospects. I sympathise with him and understand why you've been trying to pussyfoot round his demands for attention. But still feel this^^ is ridiculous!

Imagine you saw a post asking "Should I completely change my working conditions to get away from my partner? It will cost me a lot more and extend my working hours, but he keeps interfering and is messing with my productivity."

How would you identify this OP's problem?

I'm just not buying that only someone who works in a similar field could possibly understand the concept that someone can be working even when they look like they're idly thinking/typing/staring into space.
And even if it really really does look like that to him, why does he need it explained like he's a two-year-old? If you say, 'I'm working, I'm sorry, I'll be out for a cuppa in an hour' or similar, a reasonable and competent adult would understand that much, surely?
If he genuinely isn't stupid, then it sounds to me like he's either not bothering to listen and respect what you say, or he's wilfully not understanding to give him an excuse to get upset.
Neither of which is very edifying.

Working in an office usually means an open-plan working area. You're not in a room of your own, you're in a cubicle or sat at a desk. Open-plan office environments are perfect for constant distractions and totally counter-intuitive to focus. And considering you're in that one building for 8+ hours a day, it's sensory hell for those who prefer peace and quiet and actually want to work.

You're in the middle of a task, and then someone asks you for a 'quick chat'. You then have to get back to the task you were doing and try to get back in the exact frame of mind you were in to get the task done. Then someone else comes along to ask you stuff. It's an endless cycle of distraction. Then there are the meetings that could have been emails, the corporate nonsense that serves to make people feel important rather than to get anything done.

The madness, the frustration, the stupidity of it all, for a salary that gets taxed and inflated away.

This is what corporate life is, 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, getting excited for the weekend that whizzes by because it's not enough to time to decompress, you get the Sunday night scaries because you're about to do the same nonsense again for another 5 days. Before you know it, the year has gone and you're older and more tired than you were the year before.

You're also doing this for 40+ years, then you'll be too worn down to enjoy retirement, that is, of course, if you can afford to retire. Unless you're sitting on a healthy fortune, you're likely going to be working to your grave. Sure, people are living longer, but dementia can set in as early as 60, which is the age at which most people are still grinding away. It's frightening to think about.

Tell him when you are in your office at home with the door closed it is the same as being in your physical office, and that if the door is closed he is not to disturb you.

I also tend to hyper focus when I get into my work. If someone pulls me out of it I find it really hard to get back in the zone.

What is his trade OP?

Ha. Is he getting brain rehab? Sounds like he should be.

It might be time to accept that, okay, maybe he isn't "thick" but has cognitive impairments that render him incompatible with your home & work life.

She's said. Lorry driver but unlikely to be able to return to it.

I think you are in a difficult position. He doesn't fully understand the work demands you have and he is dealing with what sounds like a really bad injury. I think the only thing that might work is if you really try to explain to him as you have here. Then tell him between these times I am unavailable. If that doesn't work then practical solutions like finding space outside the home where you could work - renting space in those large office type places. Or wearing headphones with focus music (I have to do this in the office) if that works for you. I work with a lot of lawyers (I am not a lawyer) and after COVID they found it very difficult to work in the office. Some use headphones to cope. Not sure what they listen to.

Thank you, kind mumsnetter 😂

HGV driver

I don't know what you mean by "how do you explain". It's not a complicated concept, and I assume he is a) an adult and b) not a chinchilla?

If so, just tell him. "I'm working, I can't be disturbed, this is how I earn the money that pays the rent. Leave me alone unless the house is on fire. I'll pop down for a cuppa when I get a break".

Good God, you make life sound depressing. It doesn't have to be like that.

But he shouldn’t even be coming in to the room you are working in to see what you are doing- it’s your work space and if he doesn’t / won’t get it I’m afraid you need to rethink having him there. That is controlling behaviour if you have had the conversation before, whether either of you realise it or not. he should not be coming into your work space to check on what you are doing at all.