Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Shut the door. Tell him if the door is shut, you're essentially in the lorry driving. You can't open the door, you can't talk. That's interrupting your work and will make it take longer.

I put headphones on and use white noise, my husband knows not to interrupt when my headphones are on, that's my signal to him that I'm focusing.

Sounds like a common or garden sexist bloke. Thinks men's work is important and women's isn't. Wonder whether he's trying to sabotage you as you're not attending to his every need. Interrupting you a couple of times an hour is outrageous. And comparing you to a social media scrolling ex - this is so rude and undermining. And he's sensitive about rejection and you're walking on egg shells trying not to offend him. He doesn't need to understand the intricacies if your job, he needs to value and respect you. His hurty feelings do not trump your needs.

It's not up to you, OP, to explain your job to him in a way that is satisfactory to him. Whenever you find yourself having to explain something over and over to another adult, the problem is not a lack of understanding, it is a lack of respect.

If I tell someone not to disturb me whilst I am WFH, I expect them to respect that decision, not respect it only as long as it suits them.

You now need to enforce your boundary - lock the door and don't let him in. Tell him if he keeps disturbing you during working hours, he will have to leave and live elsewhere. Follow through.

You are not responsible for him being hurt by perfectly reasonable actions. He's not making himself responsible for the problems he's causing you with his interruptions, is he?

He sounds rude.
Yeah he might be bored, he might be needy because of his injury but he's just fricking rude @wfhorwtf

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop interrupting you or this living situation won't work out.

Stop making excuses for him. He's not a child that is not capable of understanding "Hey I'm really busy today, chat to at lumchtime"

To me, this seems relatively simple. Apologies if it's been suggested before.

1. Explain for one final time that this is actual work, the same as any other type of work and cannot be interrupted.
2. You will be closing the door and will only be available for lunchtime (give a time) and when work ends for the day (give a time)
3. Your job can only be disturbed in an absolute emergency, as in any other job.
4. You will be putting a DO NOT DISTURB notice on the door to remind him.
5. Tell him if he does care and respect you, he will allow you to work.
6. If he doesn't, then you know where the relationship stands.

Good luck....

My cleaner works at homes where husband and wife are working. She just cracks on once admitted for two hours while working around two adults beavering away. Once finished she takes an envelope with her payment in and leaves.

My son and his wife WFH. With grand kids sometimes we need to contact so on the shared WhatsApp send a message. One of them will respond. It's really no different to an office environment. I admire their self discipline.

Exactly, apologise for what?! He sounds disrespectful, annoying and not the brightest button in the box. Plus has he forgotten it’s your house!?! Is he even paying his way? With money or household tasks?

Ok, if you aren’t working then what are you doing in your space room (lm not saying office as he doesn’t think you are working remember!)? Avoiding him, shirking household tasks, indulging shopping addiction, gambling, contacting other men, porn addiction?!

I think this is about right, and @wfhorwtf probably pretty much knows this.

I also applaud the posters who have been honest enough to admit that either they themselves or their partners haven’t necessarily ‘got’ the concept of wfh. I disagree with all the people queuing up to label the partner as ‘thick’. However, clear boundaries such as the ‘do not disturb’ sign/closed door/whatever works in your house will have to be put in place, as this is obviously unsustainable.

Hope you can get something that works to allow you to work, @wfhorwtf

Talk to him, in detail, about what you are currently working on, projects, deadlines etc. He won't understand but will soon get the picture that you are busy. Be firm with hours and breaks.

That's fair. I hadn't really even thought about it in those terms before.

Great rules

If he was working then l would start rolling up to his sites and start querying what he was doing. Asking what he got his mum for Christmas? What date are they going round to Uncle Derek’s for the curry etc etc

two things. Number one is that my late husband and I working in diametrically different fields but we could understand each other's work and resulting needs because we cared enough to do so. Number two is kind of similar which is where you get to a bit you can't understand, you accept it and the needs which arise. Now I don't know if he is needy or selfish or stupid or genuinely needs something that you can't give him right now....but you should think honestly about which it is.

Just show him this post OP - it explains it perfectly. 🤗

😊 absolutely agree with you...

Stop putting yourself down! So far you have called what you do 'idiotic', when even an imbecile can see what you do is clearly clever stuff. You have also blamed yourself with comments like this 'Maybe it's my brain that is broken here!' IT IS NOT YOU AT FAULT!!! Maybe you put yourself down to him, so that he doesn't feel emasculated by your having a good job - but seriously, it is quite frustrating to witness!

Why is he coming into the room while you’re working? He should not be doing that. You need to ban him from the room. He needs boundaries setting, e.g. do not disturb me between X hours.

If he can’t understand that then he is stupid I’m afraid. Or he has no respect for you. Or he’s an attention seeker. None of those are good.

Then get a lock on the office door or a wedge to put underneath it and get some headphones on. If he retires you'll have interruptions until you retire otherwise.

I agree with this 👆

You don't explain. He's too dense to understand.

So you simply ask him to move out. If he's out of work is he even contributing financially? Or have you moved a cocklodger in?

I'd tell him as he's unable to respect your employment, that he either needs to be move back out OR he needs to be out of the house between 9am until 5pm every Monday - Friday.

You're not compatible on an intellectual level.

Move EVERYTHING out of your home office EXCEPT the items (desk, chair, files, equipment) you use for work so there's no need for anyone but you to go in there. Get a hotel-room style double-faced "Do Not Disturb" sign to hang on the outside doorknob. When it's set to "Do Not Disturb", no one knocks, calls out, or opens the door. (If you want to be disturbed in an emergency/serious situation, tell your partner that he should only approach you in a case where, if you were working away in an office, he would telephone you at work.) If there's still a lot of noise in the house distracting you, get a pair of (good) noise-cancelling headphones - a set with a mic will help you focus on calls, but any set will work all the time to keep out most noise distractions.

Block out time during the day - for example, "breaks" midmorning and midafternoon and a lunch break - and let your partner know in advance what times you'll be free and available. (Don't forget, though, that you may also need "alone time" during the work day for non-work-related things, or just to clear your head). Maybe plan lunch together. Rather than having him come in to the office at those times (or any time), you go out to him. Be consistent about that. If you have a hard start and stop time for work, that makes it easier; make sure he knows those. At all other times, you are working and are NOT available.

For context, I've telecommuted full time for over a decade and managed group of remote workers. There are very frequently issues with partners, children, teens, flatmates, pets - sometimes even persistent neighbors and extended family expecting telecommuters to be able to chat or whatever, whenever. You do your best to explain and ask for respect and cooperation and if that's too hard, you make rules and stick to them. If he can't handle this, ask him to move out.

HE DOES know that if you're making x amount of money, your employer has expectations of you that you (not him) are best placed to determine how to meet. He DOES know that people do "serious" jobs requiring deep concentration and periods of isolation from home offices - if nothing else, he saw this during COVID. He does NOT have to understand the specific needs of your job and working environment BUT if he genuinely respects you and trusts you, why can't he take your word for what YOUR job (not his) requires?

He doesn't need to understand or experience desk-based work - all he has to do is believe you and respect you.

How DARE he come in while you are listening on a call? He's behaving like a toddler or an untrained puppy.

Sorry - OP - you have been way too accommodating about this. Why have you even stopped to look at his stupid videos?? . Be angry. Be firm.

I would tell him that I am AT WORK and if he interrupts one more time he can move back out. I would mean it , too.

I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t understanding what “thinking” is…

You keep saying he's not stupid, but come on. It's impossible for the majority of people (barring a learning disability) to not understand that work is work, not just a way of ignoring other people.

It’s defo not you (and your brain, as per your previous post)… it’s defo him

Was it a serious brain injury?