Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Having read a lot more of this thread, I realise that it was unkind to compare me and my dog to your situation. Your partner is obviously struggling with his situation, and does need more support, but how you can do this and continue with your work is going to be difficult to resolve.

Is he a wee bit thick 😂

Not quite the same but if I’m working from
home at my parent’s house (like I will be doing next week), I have to hide from my Mum. She doesn’t seem to get it and all you hear is “can you just help me with this? Can you get the shopping in from the car? Can you let the dog out? Who are you talking to? Do you like DDog? I love him! What time do
you want dinner? What does this (small text) say?”

She isn’t doing it on purpose or trying to annoy or distract me, but she does. She tends to think out loud and then I feel
rude ignoring her.

So I tend to hide in my room so I can get stuff
done without the interruptions.

Not quite the same but if I’m working from
home at my parent’s house (like I will be doing next week), I have to hide from my Mum. She doesn’t seem to get it and all you hear is “can you just help me with this? Can you get the shopping in from the car? Can you let the dog out? Who are you talking to? Do you like DDog? I love him! What time do
you want dinner? What does this (small text) say?”

She isn’t doing it on purpose or trying to annoy or distract me, but she does. She tends to think out loud and then I feel
rude ignoring her.

So I tend to hide in my room so I can get stuff
done without the interruptions.

Could he go to classes, maybe cookery, a foreign language, wood work or jewelry making? Something sociable, which would also occupy his mind.

I honestly don't think he'll ever 'get it'
To him there's nothing to show say, like a freshly finished physical brick wall
You've to tell him its NO talk/interruptions from X to y times
Your laptop is the tool you use to get work done, and it's preferably done in a quiet office-like atmosphere you've cultivated in your own home
If nothing changes
It shows that its all about him isn't it
And who needs that?

Exactly.

I wfh and in project management so work is a bit similar to how OP describes hers. I had an ex who worked a manual job and interestingly enough never messaged me while at his job but because I wfh would passively aggressively joke how he’s not ‘allowed to contact me’ when he’s on non shift days but it’s a working day for me 🙄.

This ended up being a sign of who he was - just stroppy and immature if he wasn’t getting continuous attention - I stupidly somehow even got talked into staying up till 10pm on his night shift breaks when I’d already put in an 8-5 day at my desk and at 52 was struggling to stay awake for him. He really persisted in his belief that I must have bags of energy to keep him company given I ‘was home all day’. Thankfully I had enough sense to end it not too long after.

He sounds insufferably thick. Not gonna work is it?

OP, alongside your putting a few necessary boundaries in place, is there a way to get some support for him?

Via his GP or employer or insurance (if there is compensation) , some counselling to address the ‘limbo’ and dealing with stasis, boredom, insecurity of being not-work v etc

A life coach? Careers advisor?

I think it's not that he doesn't understand you're working, he's clearly bored and needs some sort of interaction. However if you were out all day working in an office, would he be emailing 4 videos an hour and phoning you several times an hour for little chats? I doubt it - so he's not respecting your work from home boundaries.
I have every sympathy for what he's going through (and you by default) but your initial post infers he doesn't understand you're working. Of course he does, he might not know exactly what you do (and maybe I wouldn't either) but he knows well enough you're busy and working so you need to address the other issues.

You've mentioned feeling insecure. That really comes across in the way you repeatedly put yourself down, in all sorts of ways, whilst bigging him up.

You support him financially, you've cared for him, you put up with his moods. You make yourself much smaller, for him. It doesn't have to be this way.

He can, or wont respect you. It IS ok to move him back out, or split up with him altogether. Being single is fine, and it is definitely better than this.

CAN'T respect you, that should say...

Surely you need to say, if you can't let me work, you need to move back out so you're not in the house while I'm working.

Stop him coming into the room. Before you go in say - I am working from now until X. Please don't knock, come in or interrupt me. Close the door. When you are with him, spend some actual time talking and being together not on your phone, so he can appreciate a strong contrast between your work and time with him.

No, that's not quite what I meant. I don't mean being paraded as some kind of trophy or financial support. I mean that he speaks about me and what I do very openly and with genuine pride, even though I probably don't quite fit the conventional idea of "wife material" within his social circle. A less secure man might well feel intimidated by that kind of social contrast, but he never has.

By "showing off," I mean things like this: a few years ago there was a news story about an exceptionally difficult exams (GCSE? I don't remember) maths problem that supposedly no students and almost no adults could solve. He was in the pub with friends, they tried it (obviously, what else can you do after a few pints) and failed, and he then called me, put me on speaker, and asked me to solve it in real time. He knew it was a totally safe bet, but it impressed his mates enormously, and he was riding that high for days and days.

And I take just as much pride in him and what he does within my own circles of nerds and eggheads.

I think your only hope is to read him the riot act.

I write books. My last two partners could NOT get their heads around the fact that just because I'm sort-of self employed and working with things that are 'out of my head' I can't just down tools every time they want to show me a funny video or ask me what we should have for dinner. I had to start wearing noise cancelling headphones, working in a closed room (because one of them thought having the TV on 'wouldn't disturb you, you don't have to watch it!') and occasionally shout, 'leave me alone!'

The fact that I am now single tells you how successful it was.

Ok so he's not cognitively impaired from the accident, he's not thick...can you see that this means he just doesn't care about or respect your need to work?

Oh come on yeah people do different types of work but saying he doesn’t understand that you’re working because you’re sat in front of a computer is ridiculous.
I don’t think you’re compatible tbh

I wish. He's just not the kind of man who would ever voluntarily sit in a room and talk about his feelings with a stranger or admit he has a problem, or his penis might fall off. There's plenty of resources within reach, it is a question of willingness.

I'm surprised my messages sound self-belittling. I've always been comfortable on my own and have been single for most of my life. I'm with him because I want to be, and because my life feels richer with him than without him.

He is an adult and should be able to understand "I am working, I am not free between 9 and 5, please do not disturb me".

If he doesn't listen then tell him to move himself back out again.

He needs to listen to you and respect what you say. His boredom is not your problem.

Fair enough, though I’m not particularly reassured for you!
It still strikes me as a very puerile view (his, I mean) of your relationship.

However, an important point in your post there is that he talks about your profession and its high responsibilities non-stop and with pride, among his circle.
He hardly tells his mates that you spend hours every day scrolling through Reddit, or doing your nails in between coffee breaks.
He certainly has some grasp of what WFH entails for you (and definitely for him)! Let him remember this next time he’s asking you to come out to play.

(Could your two acquaintance groups ever mesh, do you think? You speak of two very separate spheres.)

“He's very much a fast-reacting, act-first-think-later type, so if something pops into his head or he needs to check something, he acts on it immediately. Then it's the familiar "oh sorry, I didn't realise you were busy", "it was just a quick question", followed by a whole stream of explanations and excuses”

So this is why you need a very firm and clear boundary such as “don’t come into my work space between 9-5 for any reason other than the house is burning down”. Plenty of us have mentioned this but you seem to have ignored those posts.
Remind him just before you start work every day “I’m starting work now, please don’t disturb me and I’ll see you at lunch time”. Close the door and even put an A4 “do not disturb” notice on. There’s really no excuse for not making it crystal clear.

I'm studying a language and DH thought it was perfectly fine to keep interrupting whilst I was in the middle of the lessons.
As if I were doing nothing at all.

I persuaded him to take the lessons too and then I kept interrupting him.

Tit for tat I know, but he soon got the message 👍

His behaviour sounds incredibly annoying and I'm not surprised you lost your patience!
I think you need to really nip this in the bud, you can be kind and consistent and boundaried as well.
Maybe pre arrange to share a break with him IF it suits you, but otherwise you'll need to repeatedly say "sorry no the middle of something." He'll get it eventually, if there are a few sulks along the way, rather him annoyed than you!