Explain that working from home is WORKING

[wfhorwtf]

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

This is about far more than a partner interfering with work time.
I knew someone who had been in a serious accident as a HGV driver and his mental health really suffered as well as flashbacks and nightmares.
Have you talked about the future? Because if he can’t work again you are going to have more problems than this.
Good HGV drivers are really skilled people who can multi-task.

I think maybe he needs to go back to the GP and ask for advice re cognitive impairment. This makes no sense otherwise.

I had a bit of this when working from home. Virtual call centre stuff involving benefits and money and then notes recorded on a case management system and follow up email done.

Herself struggled in particular with not interrupting during write up time and that if I'm 'available' on work's call managing system I can't scoot downstairs to make, or even fetch/carry cups of tea. Missed calls happen now and then but too many and there'll be an inquiry. Neither is at acceptable to go into pre or post call modes to avoid incomings.

However I retired yesterday so it won't be a problem in future.

Just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely, patient and tolerant person and I hope using 'pulling off the road to watch a 10 second video then having to wait for a gap in traffic and get back up to cruising speed' analogies help.

I also thought the observation that his accident means he's understandably probably a bit needy now was astute.

He doesn't sound like a bad man.

It would do my head in though too. Sympathy.

Yes, there is some thoughtlessness there, and that's why I lost my temper today. He's very much a fast-reacting, act-first-think-later type, so if something pops into his head or he needs to check something, he acts on it immediately. Then it's the familiar "oh sorry, I didn't realise you were busy", "it was just a quick question", followed by a whole stream of explanations and excuses.
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You're probably right that I haven't helped matters by being social at odd moments, grabbing a drink, stepping into the garden to clear my head or pick some produce, which might have blurred the boundaries I insisted on.

He's definitely not threatened by my job. I'm the weird one out among his friends' wives and girlfriends, but he's proud of that. If anything, he shows it off rather than feeling uneasy about it. It is me who feels massively insecure at times.

OP you sound afraid of him or at least afraid of upsetting him.
Why can’t you just tell him to F off out of your office? He is undermining you and your job and you keep making excuses for him.
I WFH and everyone - including children - know not to disturb me. For any reason other than the house burning down. Regardless of whether they can hear me on a call or not. If a child can understand this so can your partner.

It's canny insulting to tradies to imply, because he's a tradie and worked manual jobs he can't understand not to interrupt someone when they're working. It's not because "he's removed from that world" it's because he's a nob.

He's avoiding that conversation for now. He's completely convinced he'll be able to go back to work and that this is all just a temporary phase. He was given a recovery timeline (with insurance involved that’s driving a lot of this process), and he is getting somewhat better, but as the date gets closer I think he's simply pushing the "what ifs" out of his mind. Thankfully it wasn't a road accident, so there's no psychological trauma around driving itself - but unless there's a miracle, long distance driving is completely out of the question.

"I need to concentrate"
Never mind explaining algorithms to him.

Agreed. @wfhorwtf is either seeing him through deeply rose-tinted glasses, and he is in fact thick and/or controlling, or his reasoning abilities and/or theory of mind have been damaged.

Why do you keep reminding him, he doesn’t listen! Lock the door.

I couldn't have a relationship with someone so incredibly stupid.

@wfhorwtf, my guess is you got cross today because he hasn’t got the message yet. And the reasons he hasn’t got the message yet are a mixture of his personality, his current circumstances, and the fact that as a reasonable person, you haven’t been as firm as it turns out you need to be every single time since he moved in.

After today’s working day is done, you can re-establish the boundaries.

These things can creep up from relatively small differences in approach, and aren’t impossible to resolve, but will need him to listen to you and respect that you effectively are unavailable during working hours.

Tell him if he can’t respect your work enough to leave you in peace, he should move out again.

You've been together 10 years and have only just started living together. Conveniently timed to coincide with him not being able to work due to an injury.
He won't be going back to work again OP, now he's living in your place and you're working to bring money in for both of you.
All very convenient.

He's completely convinced he'll be able to go back to work and that this is all just a temporary phase

He's talking the talk. That's what he thinks you want to hear.

Brace yourself for this being a permanent situation with him not working until retirement.

You tell him your working hours and tell him he is not to disturb you. Put a lock on the door if necessary and ignore him completely during your working hours. If he doesn't like it, he's free to move out again and find a job to pay for it

I think you've had aome good suggestions here OP on using metaphors to explain it to him. But I thibk at this point a frank discussion of 'you cannot come in my office between these hours. If I have popped out for a break I can manage a quick chat but otherwise I absolutely cannot be disturbed'
If he still disturbs you i honestly would think he's doing it maliciously as there is no reasonable excuse

You've got to stop being nice to these time bandits.
I had to do the same with DH.
'I AM WORKING. GO AWAY'
He'll have the arse but that's his issue, not yours.

I don't think you should regret it.

"I'm just trying to be a bit kinder and more understanding right now."
Well kindly - that approach is not working. You have explained to him that you need to concentrate and that having your concentration broken - doesn't matter if it's broken for seconds or minutes, broken is broken - slows down you getting your job done. And he has CHOSEN to break your concentration AGAIN. So, kind and understanding is not effective.

A Mumsnet phrase I picked up - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. So, you've tried kind and understanding, and you got more interruption. So you have to do something different, to get a different outcome. Analogy of him being expected to pull over for a 10 second video was one suggestion. Anger would have been my suggestion. I find that if someone is rarely angry, people do tend to listen on those rare occasions when they are. 'What the FUCK are you doing interrupting me again when I have repeatedly asked you NOT to!!' has its place.

"He's probably a bit more attention-seeking at the moment because of the circumstances."
Do you think this is down to boredom, your kindness/understanding encouraging it - or has his impulse control been affected by the BTI? All three are possible.

He doesn’t need to understand. Or have experience of your work. He just needs to accept what you are saying. In order to do that he needs to respect you.

I would be perfectly happy if he never worked for money again until retirement. In fact, I probably prefer it, provided he finds something meaningful to occupy his time. I don't need financial support from him. I'm fortunate to be well paid, and it genuinely isn't an issue at all.

I don’t WFH but my boyfriend does, and my mum doesn’t get it at all. Im currently off on mat leave and my mum comes round a couple of times a week. My boyfriend will pop down when she comes to say hi, and he’ll come down on his lunch break. And she always makes comments like “oh it’s good this working from home lark isn’t it! Do you actually do any work? This is easy isn’t it, I wish when I worked I worked from home!” he once made the fatal error of coming down and saying he’d just been on the phone to our washing machine company, ordering a new one, and mum was flabbergasted that he’d done this during “work time.” He laughs it off, but I get annoyed and remind her he is allowed a lunch break, and if he was in the office he’d get a lunch break. I always constantly tell her that his job is the same whether he’s in the office or at home, the same amount of work gets done. But she just doesn’t get it!

My dog is like this, I don't work, I am retired, but he doesn't understand that reading is my way of chilling out after a walk. Or if I'm on the computer, I could be shopping. If I am not standing up doing housework of some sort, he thinks he should have my attention. Sometimes he does naughty stuff to get my attention. I think my dog is a narcissist.

On the final point, I very much hope this wasn't a consequence of the injury. He has always been impulsive and inclined to live in the moment, which I genuinely enjoyed. And on two other options - I probably did enable the situation to some extent (being inconsistent with telling him I'm busy), and boredom has certainly been a significant factor too.

No, no disingenuous passive aggressive ‘hinting’

The pp has given you a great way to address this directly.

I would say ‘so those drivers don’t look as if they are doing much. Would it be ok to brandish a TokTok video in front of them and expect them to watch? Stop at any old time on the hard shoulder for a flask of tea and to FaceTime their Dp? No. And it isn’t ok to interrupt me. “

If he argues some ‘difference’

”I don’t actually care to argue the finer points of the comparison. I’m telling you that to keep
my job I need to do my job properly. With minute attention to detail. And I cannot do that with distractions. So you stop interrupting me while I am working or we will need to move apart again. However much I love you, I need to keep my job. That’s the bottom line”

You can be clear and direct about your needs without being angry or unkind. Just the facts. Clear.

God almighty OP, this just gets worse.
He shows you off to all his friends on the grounds of your being a rare, independent working woman (who’s subbing his lifestyle now too)?
A mature woman by the sound of it, so is being paraded about as a trophy quite the vibe you were longing for?
He sounds like some six former* who’s bagged a seventh former who has her own car, tbh.

• no idea how school years are numbered these days! I mean the two last years at school, A Levels time. Not primary, honestly 🤣