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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH Part 2- Christmas Miracle

117 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 19/12/2025 09:25

I posted the other day about my sons GF.

His dad had to go savage unfortunately. We had an episode where she told him he needed to quit his job on the evening of me posting my original post because she didn't like that there were women there.

He came down in tears again and my husband told him he either broke up with her or we would rent him a flat and he would need to move out as he we aren't going to watch him self implode and take no advice from us.

He blocked her on everything last night, was totally honest with us (was panicking as he had moaned to her about us and she has screenshots). We made it clear that if he didn't whinge about us as parents we would be shite parents anyway and dad said even if she sent us a message of him saying he hated us she would get a reply with a thumbs up and laughing emojis. We also managed to get her mums number and sent a polite yet firm whatsapp saying if she continues to harass him in anyway we will be contacting her local police department. We didn't read her reply as we blocked her before she finished typing.

Son is mad at himself, mad at her, had a couple of cries but has said he is mentally exhausted from it. His friend is coming over when he finishes work.

We have also arranged some counselling for the new year for some help with maybe self esteem and how to set boundaries in healthy relationships. He was so scared of her he was shaking after he sent a final message. Dad and I have been together since we were 18 so he is trying to get the same relationship basically which we had a long chat about how rare it is to still be together and he has plenty of time to meet people and decide who he wants to be with long term.

But thanks everyone for your advice it all got taken on board and ended up with the best result xxx

OP posts:
AussieManque · 19/12/2025 12:43

That's great, thanks for the update.

As well as counselling, how about a Christmas gift of something that could get him out of the house and meeting real life people? Like a subscription to a hobby group or similar?

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 19/12/2025 12:51

You are great parents! I'm glad you updated.

An ex boyfriend of mine was in a relationship like this and ended up marrying the woman. He didn't see his parents for 15 years, she wouldn't let him, threatened to kill herself etc. Everyone ended up so wounded.

I think people often think of coercive control as a male thing, but when women do it to men there's the added element of men thinking they have to be the protector.

Iamnotalemming · 19/12/2025 12:51

God what a relief that must be OP. Well done. I hope you all have a good Christmas and your DS doesn't dwell on this stuff.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/12/2025 12:58

Kudos to you and your DH, OP.

tara66 · 19/12/2025 13:04

''The scales have fallen from his eyes'' -
as the old biblical saying goes - hopefully.
His thoughts need to be diverted to new people and activities - good Xmas is here. Well done.

Motomum23 · 19/12/2025 13:07

Well done OP - so many people forget that teenage boys can be just as sensitive and at risk of controlling relationships and heartbreak. Hope your DS is able to have a calm Christmas xx

notafraidofthebigbadwolf · 19/12/2025 13:11

You are fab parents x

Theoscargoesto · 19/12/2025 13:12

I’m late to the thread but maybe asking him to sit with you and looking at what domestic abuse charities or Childline say about healthy relationships would be a place for him to start reflecting. But I’m a counsellor for a children’s charity and honestly, your son isn’t alone in being drawn in to something in this way. I wonder if there are any (but am not aware of any) resources for those drawn in, because it is a form of abuse.

blankcanvas3 · 19/12/2025 13:21

So glad he’s blocked her. I hope he manages to have a good Christmas and finds a lovely girlfriend who lives round the corner next year xx

TheFatCatSatOnTheMat · 19/12/2025 13:31

I’m so relieved to read this update OP, you and your DH sound like amazing parents.

IleSolitude · 19/12/2025 13:43

Fantastic parenting! And a great outcome, I'm so relieved for you (also glad you've still got his passport).

I can only assume that anyone criticizing the way you handled this hasn't read the earlier thread.

Soony · 19/12/2025 13:49

Well done @OneCheeryGoldMoose . That's a parenting challenge and a half.

We had a slightly similar but much tamer issue when DS was 16.He was a very young and immature 16. He met a girl on a family holiday and decided he was going to visit her. She was not from the UK. He was going to fly off alone to a strange city to stay with her. I never believed for a minute he was actually invited by her family and I insisted that I would only consider it if the parents called me to invite him and talk through the arrangements. Of course they never did.

Balloonhearts · 19/12/2025 13:59

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 19/12/2025 09:30

He showed us messages where he was saying he had had enough and she was threatening to kill herself, sending pictures and all sorts so he was having a massive panic attack about if she did anything as well.

Show quote history

Best thing to do is send police round if she's threatening suicide. They'll do a welfare check and she won't try that shit again.

Roobarbtwo · 19/12/2025 14:03

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 19/12/2025 12:19

Well if that makes us awful parents then so be it. However my son is now not getting on a plane to a foreign country to meet a woman who's psychologically abusing him- so I'm fine with that.

Show quote history

I didn't say you were awful parents. But you've effectively forced him to end this relationship because you told him that you would ask him to leave home if he didn't

Im just concerned that that might backfire on you at some point down the line. It's possible for people to make mistakes in relationships. Huge ones at 18 without being told that they have to leave home if they don't end a relationship.

I get that the relationship was horrible and toxic and I completely understand why you didn't want him to visit her. The decision needed to be his in my view - and you forced his hand by saying you would ask him to leave home if he didn't finish with her

Your son wasn't getting on that plane anyway - you've hidden his passport

FreeTheOakTree · 19/12/2025 14:10

Roobarbtwo · 19/12/2025 14:03

I didn't say you were awful parents. But you've effectively forced him to end this relationship because you told him that you would ask him to leave home if he didn't

Im just concerned that that might backfire on you at some point down the line. It's possible for people to make mistakes in relationships. Huge ones at 18 without being told that they have to leave home if they don't end a relationship.

I get that the relationship was horrible and toxic and I completely understand why you didn't want him to visit her. The decision needed to be his in my view - and you forced his hand by saying you would ask him to leave home if he didn't finish with her

Your son wasn't getting on that plane anyway - you've hidden his passport

Show quote history

I disagree, and what matters here is the result.

The son had involved them to the point they were worried sick, posting on here and looking up addresses online etc. He caused upset and panic by continuing to engage with this toxic woman, and his parents had had enough and literally said if he chooses to continue, he should do it elsewhere.

I applaud this approach, and I would take it with my own dc if ever needed.

Roobarbtwo · 19/12/2025 14:17

FreeTheOakTree · 19/12/2025 14:10

I disagree, and what matters here is the result.

The son had involved them to the point they were worried sick, posting on here and looking up addresses online etc. He caused upset and panic by continuing to engage with this toxic woman, and his parents had had enough and literally said if he chooses to continue, he should do it elsewhere.

I applaud this approach, and I would take it with my own dc if ever needed.

Show quote history

It's completely fine not to agree. I just think there could be more fall out because he was forced to make the decision. And offering to rent a flat for someone making 2k a month and who could afford his own could actually have sent him straight on that plane to her - because if you are asking someone to move out - you'll be giving them their passport back surely?

He could unblock her tomorrow if he chooses - if she's got such a hold over him which she seems to it's entirely possible.

wizzywig · 19/12/2025 14:19

Keep your eyes open op xx
She may really ramp things up and/ or your sons mh may totally plummet with anxiety xx

Dollymylove · 19/12/2025 14:19

Balloonhearts · 19/12/2025 13:59

Best thing to do is send police round if she's threatening suicide. They'll do a welfare check and she won't try that shit again.

Show quote history

Most of those who threatened suicide have no intentions of doing so. They use it as a tool of control. I had a friend years ago whose abusive BF used threaten this.
She broke away from him eventually and last I heard he was in jail for attempted murder of his new partner

Roobarbtwo · 19/12/2025 14:21

wizzywig · 19/12/2025 14:19

Keep your eyes open op xx
She may really ramp things up and/ or your sons mh may totally plummet with anxiety xx

That's my concern. Cutting the relationship off might have solved the immediate issue. But him being in a toxic controlling manipulative relationship is going to take longer to get over.

LadyDanburysHat · 19/12/2025 14:21

What a great update OP, I think you have handled this really well as parents. And for whoever was saying threatening to make him move out was bad, it was not, it was your husband showing how much he loved his son by saying he couldn't watch him self destruct.

It sounds like counselling will be a good idea for him.

Americano75 · 19/12/2025 14:22

What a lucky young man to have such wonderful parents. I'm so glad it all worked out so well, thanks to you and his dad.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 19/12/2025 14:25

Roobarbtwo · 19/12/2025 14:03

I didn't say you were awful parents. But you've effectively forced him to end this relationship because you told him that you would ask him to leave home if he didn't

Im just concerned that that might backfire on you at some point down the line. It's possible for people to make mistakes in relationships. Huge ones at 18 without being told that they have to leave home if they don't end a relationship.

I get that the relationship was horrible and toxic and I completely understand why you didn't want him to visit her. The decision needed to be his in my view - and you forced his hand by saying you would ask him to leave home if he didn't finish with her

Your son wasn't getting on that plane anyway - you've hidden his passport

Show quote history

As far as I am concerned my son was in a coercively controlling relationship. I was not going to allow him to make his own mistake and ending up being a shell of himself or dead or trapped in another country. In a normal situation where the girl is a bit of a div then yeah I'd leave him to it, but not this one.

We did indeed force his hand as he couldn't do it on his own and came down and repeatedly asked us for help- so that's what created the ultimatum. It also wasn't shouted at him in an aggressive way- it was an adult calm conversation for the reality of the situation to hit home that it was that bad we were no longer going to facilitate or watch it happen. Doesn't matter if he wasn't getting on the plane- she was telling him what he was and wasn't allowed to do and he needs counselling now to find out why he allowed this behaviour in the first place, which we now have the breathing space to do.x

OP posts:
Namechangesecretsignature · 19/12/2025 14:32

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 19/12/2025 09:30

He showed us messages where he was saying he had had enough and she was threatening to kill herself, sending pictures and all sorts so he was having a massive panic attack about if she did anything as well.

Show quote history

What a nasty little bitch. I’d call the police anyway for a “welfare check” and put the shits up her!

ThisJadeBear · 19/12/2025 14:35

Well done! Isn’t it awful the way someone can be controlled by someone they’ve never met?
I have seen a few threads over the last few years, often involving young people.
The best thing is for him to have a new number and ensure his friends don’t share it which is what is happening here.
Whoever she is I’m sure she will have someone else on the hook when she realises this supply has been cut off.
I was team take the passport!

Randomchat · 19/12/2025 14:37

You sound like a lovely family. I'm so glad he knew he could ask you for help