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AIBU?

to not want to fly around the world to visit my outlaws?

103 replies

wineplease · 10/06/2008 21:15

This has been causing a rift between DP and I for several months now. In fact he has just called me a f*kn bth after I made my feelings known about the proposed trip.

His family (in OZ) have given us some of the air fare to visit them in October. We are very grateful for their contribution as we certainly could not afford the cost without there support.

However, I feel so pressured by the IL's. They call weekly for an update on our plans. I fully appreciate that they want to get to know DS(3) 'on their own turf', but due to commitments at home I feel this is the wrong time to go. My DS has never been on a plane and I am also scared that he will hate the experience and have to be put through 24hrs of stress and upset.

I work p/t so therefore have to save all my annual leave up for the trip. My job is so stressful at the moment and I don't feel I am coping very well with managing DS, work and housework. I need a break now!! I suggested to DP tonight that I take some hols and he exploded. He basically feels that I do not deserve to be stressed as I only work p/t.

Also, my DS has been unable to shift his flu for several weeks now and I want to give him a week off nursery to chill and be spoilt by his mum!

I can understand DP's desire to return home but (i feel)he is not taking into account my views. I really just lost it tonight after a crap day at work and just wanted to off load to all you lovely MN's. AIBU in not wanting a trip to OZ or not?

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CoteDAzur · 10/06/2008 21:21

YABU, but you know that.

Yes, it will be difficult but you should grin and bear it. This is your DH's parents, and he has the right to take his family (that's you and DS) back home every once in a while - for the first time in at least three years, it seems. That is not much.

Your DS will be fine. Bring snacks, milk, crayons and a coloring book. Most importantly, get a portable DVD player and several of his favorite DVDs.

DH comes with me and DD to where my parents live, a country he had never visited before, where he doesn't understand a word anybody says. We go at least once a year, and stay for a week. Never complained. And he pays for it.

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Amandella · 10/06/2008 21:26

Really sorry but whilst I do feel for you having to juggle everything, yes, I do feel YABU. Firstly, imagine that it was your son who lived the other side of the world... wouldn't you be so excited to be seeing him that you'd be ringing/contributing to the air fare etc - I know I would! Wow, they are his parents after all! They must be so excited to see your dc too - and as for him hating flying etc - well I think that is just you making excuses. Your son will be just fine on an long flight... mine have travelled since they were very very young and have always enjoyed it.. Finally, i can't see why you are being so ungrateful and frankly there are so many people who would LOVE the chance to go to OZ. Stop thinking about yourself and think about your dp and your child who will spend time with his grandparents....

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Tiggerish · 10/06/2008 21:27

We have a similar situation in that my dh's parents and family live in NZ. His grandmothers are both in their 90's and not well & he wanted to see them. I couldn't get sensible time off work and persuaded him that he could manage the 2 dc for the trip on his own.

Well, he did cope (just!) and they were away for a month in all. I missed them like crazy but it saved us £1K and I didn't waste my time and holiday seeing his family who although very nice etc are not my family iykwim.

so, no I don't think YABU but I do understand your dp's POV as well.

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Flibbertyjibbet · 10/06/2008 21:29

YABVU.
If it was your own mother wanted to get to know your ds on her own turf you would have probably been trying to grow wings by now.

I also think you are BU at not wanting to save up all your annual leave for this trip.

Little kids just think a plane is a big room that you sit in and go to sleep in for a while and then get off and see some different things.

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Tiggerish · 10/06/2008 21:30

btw the kids were fine on the flight - it was just hard work for him keeping them occupied. (They were 5.6 and 2.6 at the time)

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wineplease · 10/06/2008 21:32

Ok, I knew the outcome of my post anyway. I do agree with your comments but i'm having a crap day and probably (due to PMT!) i'm being too arsey and sensitive. I will retire to bed and hopefully improve my mood for the morning .

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SantaBarbara · 10/06/2008 21:37

YABU, but I can see that you feel pushed into it, and that you are worrying about taking ds on a long trip, and you'd rather have a holiday of your choice now.

Nevertheless, you do have to go. It will be fantastic for your dp to show off his family to his Oz family. Your ds will probably take it all in his stride. You'll probably enjoy it.

To ease your stress right now, could you have a weekend away with a friend? Something short that doesn't use up any leave?

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ivyJkaty44 · 10/06/2008 21:38

Yes you are. You are being negative about the trip before you have even left for the airport. try being positive instead and think about all the good things that will come out of this trip. Stop stressing about the flight and your 3 year old, you will end up stressing your three year old and he will play up and not like the flight.

You IL's will get to know there grandson, talk to them on the weekly updates and ask if they plan to babysit whilst you are there so that you and d/h can eat out in a restaurant together or go to the cinema. Plan with the IL's so that when you get to au everyone knows the rules and what is going to happen.Ask you IL's what you are going to be doing etc and tell them what you would like etc. The more you communicate the better time you may actually have.

Your dc will remember very little about this trip so try to make it positive what he will remember (my dd was three when she went to au and can only remember a little)

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FairyMum · 10/06/2008 21:40

YABU. My parents live in Sweden so not exactly the other side of the world. If my DH ever stopped my children going to Sweden or even pulled a face at the thought if going I would kill him.

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emkana · 10/06/2008 21:42

My family is in Germany and if my dh made it difficult for me to go and see them I would be EXTREMELY upset.

You really have to bite the bullet.

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23balloons · 10/06/2008 21:49

Sorry but I think YABU. My dh is also from OZ and we have been twice in the last 5 years and I haven't enjoyed it at all but wouldn't dream of causing a fuss about going knowing that his family hardly ever see us. Just think when you get back it will be over for a long time. My dss are now school age and it is much more expensive to go in the holidays. Believe me things could be worse. I had my MIL staying for 2 months over Christmas while the dss were maily at school and dh was at work. Put on a brave face for your dh and deal with the trip.

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eidsvold · 10/06/2008 21:53

totally unreasonable sorry.

I have a fabulous mil whom I would give my right arm to be able to visit. Unfortunately dh and I are not in any financial position at this point in time to travel from Australia to England. Nor is she in a position at this point in time to travel to see us.

My gorgeous MIL has been through a rough couple of years and I would give anything to be able to take my three daughters home to see their grandmother. She has never met dd2 and dd3 and the last time she saw dd1 she was only 2 - she is about to turn 6. Our children are her only grandchildren.

What a fabulous opportunity to come to Aus in OCt - fabulous weather. A brilliant experience from him. You have one three year old and two of you - the plane journey might be long but hey - you can keep him entertained. All the times I have travelled - I have never seen a stressed child - they are having a ball.

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AbbeyA · 10/06/2008 22:02

YABU. Perhaps you will feel better about it in the morning!

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suedonim · 10/06/2008 22:23

YABU. Unless your IL's emigrated after you met your DP, you must have know this was on the cards. My own ds lives on the W coast of America and I would be devastated if I was stopped from seeing any (yet to be born!!) grandchildren.

If you really can't face the trip, why not let your DP take your ds on his own? That way, you'd get a rest as well.

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nametaken · 10/06/2008 23:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

As suedonim said, if you can't face the trip let dp take him on his own. Then you'd get a proper rest and everyone else gets what they want too - result!

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ninedragons · 11/06/2008 02:44

Sorry, love, YABU. They're calling you every week because they're excited and that's natural and right.

Personally I would rather listen to fingernails on a blackboard all day than my gas-bag FIL, but DD is his granddaughter and he's setting up a webcam so he can see her every week. That's absolutely his right.

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LittleMissTickles · 11/06/2008 03:47

YABU, but only a bit. I really really understand how you feel. We just recently returned from a very very long-haul trip for my MIL's 2nd wedding. Our DD's are 4.10 and 2.3 and as others have said, it really isn't very hard on the plane as such, as long as you can relax about it all having to be perfect etc. Calpol on hand in case of earache (remember to get him to drink something during take-off and landing), DVD player with variety of DVD's, books, playdough (if he's not overly messy with it) etc, and I think you'll be fine.

Our trip was complicated as DD2 got very sick while we were there, but it was not nearly as hard as I expected. They slotted into new time zones pretty much instantly. You DS will handle it all very well, IF YOU DO TOO.

Good luck, I do hope you will use the time to have some time alone with your DH too, and explore and relax while you are there, you might even like Oz!

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cory · 11/06/2008 07:58

Does your ds have special needs or why would you find that being on a flight would be such a stressful situation for a 3-year-old? After all, long haul flights are full of young children, so it's not something unusually outrageous to do to an NT child.

And even if he does hate it- it's only 24 hours out of his life. Speaking as someone who took their 20mo on the train to Berlin- hasn't traumatised her forever. My brother took his ds on the train from Sweden to Italy at the same age.

I can see that you're feeling stressed about work and ds's flu- but if you think about it, it seems a bit odd that his having flu now should influence a trip in October. By October all the current stresses may well have gone out of your life.

I have my family in Sweden and I don't think I would ever forgive dh if he wanted to deny me the right to let my dc's get to know them and the country.

If you really can't face the journey or if you feel you do need to use up your leave to recuperate- let dh take him on his own. Solves all problems that I can see.

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belgo · 11/06/2008 08:13

I think you should go and actually try and enjoy it.

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SSSandy2 · 11/06/2008 08:17

I agree it is a horrible long uncomfortable flight and it will be stressful with a 3 year old. Of course it will. I can understand you not wanting to use up all your yearly holidays, not relishing the flight, not wanting to stay with dh's dp etc etc. I think you're feeling particularly stressed out because you're nothappy about this whole trip.

Your dh is being unreasonable saying you cannot take a week off now if you and ds need it. How come he dictates this kind of thing to you? Maybe you're just both a bit tense. Do you know the ILs, have you met already?

My guess is dh is thinking they are busy organising as many nice trips and things they can think of for you all to make you welcome in Australia. His mum will be buying presents and thinking of nice things to cook for you and maybe going completely to town on it and you would be hurting them by not going so that's why he is being all funny to you atm.

I do agree with suedonim. (In fact I find I ALWAYS agree with her!). I do think it's ok for you to not go and for dh and ds to travel there together so you just have a break and have some holidays left. I think that can be presented to the ILs in a manner that will not hurt/offend them.

Is your real resistance maybe something to do with dh wanting to move back to Australia/settle there, possibly something like that?

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Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:23

YANBU.

I absolutely never expect my partner to accompany me on trips to visit my family. He is more than welcome if he wants to come - and there is no problem at all if he doesn't.

The only thing I think would be unreasonable would be if he were to prevent me seeing my family regularly (and vice versa).

IMVHO it is a huge mistake to think that you always have to visit grandparents "as a family". I say this coming from a family of international expatriates for several generations. My family is scattered across the globe.

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brimfull · 11/06/2008 08:28

I think yabu not wanting your ds to visti his grandparents.

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bozza · 11/06/2008 08:30

I would go with them but that is because there is no way I would be separated from my 3yo for that length of time (well actually my 3yos are now 7 and 4 but YKWIM ) but it is a perfectly OK option if you are happy with it.

I think the weekend away to recharge your batteries that someone suggested might be good.

Your DS has not had flu for several weeks. He is at nursery so has probably had several colds on top of each other in that time. But if you take him out of nursery he will probably just pick up another as soon as he gets back that is the nature of children in nursery - mine have both had spells like that. Or could it possibly be hay fever? DS started with his at about age 5 and that fits in with the timing? Just a thought.

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SSSandy2 · 11/06/2008 08:31

sometimes if you really don't know whether yabu or not, it helps to turn the situation round.

Imagine you are living in Australia. Your dp are paying towards a family trip back to the UK, calling every day about it. You are looking forward to seeing them. Then dh says he doesn't want to travel there, doesn't want to use up all his holidays seeing your dp in the UK.

Wouldn't feel great, would it? You have to present it to dh in a way that doesn't hurt him (as well as not hurt the grandparents), then I think it's ok not to go.

For the sake of family peace, I would probably go this time since it has already been decided on but possibly not in the future. If you are not going, best to say so from the onset IMO

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Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:32

You also should definitely not be "expected" (by your DH or ILs) to use a whole year's annual leave to visit ILs. VVV unreasonable (and stupid. You need holidays with your own family without any GPs around).

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