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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to fly around the world to visit my outlaws?

103 replies

wineplease · 10/06/2008 21:15

This has been causing a rift between DP and I for several months now. In fact he has just called me a f*kn bth after I made my feelings known about the proposed trip.

His family (in OZ) have given us some of the air fare to visit them in October. We are very grateful for their contribution as we certainly could not afford the cost without there support.

However, I feel so pressured by the IL's. They call weekly for an update on our plans. I fully appreciate that they want to get to know DS(3) 'on their own turf', but due to commitments at home I feel this is the wrong time to go. My DS has never been on a plane and I am also scared that he will hate the experience and have to be put through 24hrs of stress and upset.

I work p/t so therefore have to save all my annual leave up for the trip. My job is so stressful at the moment and I don't feel I am coping very well with managing DS, work and housework. I need a break now!! I suggested to DP tonight that I take some hols and he exploded. He basically feels that I do not deserve to be stressed as I only work p/t.

Also, my DS has been unable to shift his flu for several weeks now and I want to give him a week off nursery to chill and be spoilt by his mum!

I can understand DP's desire to return home but (i feel)he is not taking into account my views. I really just lost it tonight after a crap day at work and just wanted to off load to all you lovely MN's. AIBU in not wanting a trip to OZ or not?

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 11/06/2008 17:24

YABU, it must be tough for him to live so far away from his folks, and they are your ds's blood relatives but am at your DH's attitude. That is a horrid way to talk to the mother of his ds.

I do understand how you feel though, got to see mine in Rochdale (100 miles away)on Saturday and I don't want to go either

NotABanana · 11/06/2008 17:25

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable and if my husband called me what yours did, I woudn't be in the same house as him for quite a while never mind going half way round the world at an inconvenient time.
Tell him to go alone.

EddiBritt · 11/06/2008 17:33

It always amazes me that women are so hostile to their in laws and fall over them self to involve their own parents.

Your own parents and no more or less important in a childs life then the in laws.

I still make a point of my children seeing Ex MIL as she is as much a part of them as my own mother.

Also for those of you with sons....this will come home to roost you know

YeahBut · 11/06/2008 17:33

Why don't you let your dh go on his own with your son. And if you're worried about him coping with the flight, give him phenergan. Great stuff (test it first, though).
A 24 hour flight is nothing in the grand scheme of a 3/4 week holiday, btw.

TheFallenMadonna · 11/06/2008 17:36

Hmm. I'm quite happy to see my mum without DH being around because we have an easy relationship.

DH would prefer I think that I were with him when we visit his parents, because with them it is less easy and we can support each other.

I love DH, it makes his life easier, so I put up with the hassle. And I expect (and receive) similar support from him when I need it.

That is our tacit agreement.

BouncingTurtle · 11/06/2008 17:41

Eddi - too true - I'm going to be the MIL from hell I reckon

I am going, BTW because it is important that ds has a good relationship with his gps. Even if FILs constant wittering gets on mine and Dh's nerves. I think we are very lucky that both sets of parents dote on their grandkids - so many are just not bothered

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 17:47

I agree wholeheartedly EddiBritt and I think that hostile attitudes to MIL may well come home to roost! I really don't know how a MIL can be so horrible if the person who you have chosen (out of the whole world)to spend the rest of your life with is the product of her genes and her nurture!She must have done something right! Your DD stands as much chance of being like your MIL as she does of you!! (unless DP was adopted or swapped at birth!).

mousemole · 11/06/2008 17:51

wineplease - i dont think you are being that unreasonable. I see where you are coming from but do you have a bit of a duty to let DH's parents see their grandson.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 17:53

My mother (who is also a MIL, of course), never imposes anything upon anyone. Just as her mother and MIL never did.

So everyone adores her and wants to visit her

My MOL and my sister's MIL are always trying to force everyone into doing things.

So everyone resists and thinks they are a PITA.

I know which model GM and MIL I will follow....

GustWriter · 11/06/2008 17:53

I'm stunned that so many people said YABU because I think YANBU

you have a p/t job you are a f/t wife and mother you are stressed, worried about your child and not wanting to subject them to probably the longest flight time physically possible

It sounds to me like you're being wedged into a corner and that your stress and worries are not being listened to, at home or online.

I think you need to get a chance to talk it all through properly with your husband so that he understands how you feel and its not a row.

you have my best wishes!

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 18:13

I don't think that inviting them to stay for the first time in at least 3 years and sending some of the fare is imposing anything! It would be interesting to know if OP had even met them before calling them the Outlaws. There are some very difficult MILs around but there are also some MILs who have to deal with impossible DILs. Why have an Australian DC if you are not willing to visit Australia?

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 18:15

AbbeyA - careful, you have the makings of the MIL from hell

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 18:38

I don't Anna! I have 2 lovely MIL (having being married twice).My mother is a great MIL and much loved by my SILs. My DS is only a teenager so I don't expect his romance to last but both DH and I get on really well with his lovely girlfriend. I just get so FED UP with the general MIL attitide. If my SIL tells people that her MIL is coming to stay or she is going on holiday with MIL they say things along the lines of 'poor you'!!! I find it incredible, they would never say that if she said she was having a friend to stay! She likes my mother. They have just been on holiday without my brother.I see my inlaws with out my DH. My DH and I see my inlaws from first marriage.
If you marry someone you are part of his family, the same way as he is part of yours. My DH sees my mother without me.

suedonim · 11/06/2008 19:41

SSSandy2, at your earlier comment about agreeing. It has to be said, I usually just wing it, so what I think today won't necessarily be what I'll think tomorrow. Or even think in five minute's time.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 20:01

Your DH sees your mother without you . My idea of family hell...

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 21:00

I can't see why that is family hell. If he is in her area on business he stays the night. He likes her-(she is lovely)they get on well. I really can't understand this idea that DPs family are some sort of duty to be endured. DH has seen my inlaws from my first marriage on his own-they are lovely people and very kind, they are part of the family.On one hand Anna you are saying your mother is lovely and people want to visit her and on the other you seem to be saying that your DP wouldn't visit without you.(unless I have misunderstood)

Idina · 11/06/2008 21:08

Despite having 3 DSs of my own, I agree with a lot of what Anna says in general terms here (not sure about the OP's situation as it is rather unusual).

According to Relate, ILs are only ever visitors into your life. I've always found it a little odd that the minute you get married or form a serious relationship with someone, there is suddenly this obligation to join up with all the extended family together as well. This is the cause of an awful lot of distress and conflict in families all over the world.

You choose a husband/partner but have no control over the family that he brings with him. They are just a group of randum strangers who can be lovely and welcomed visitors into your life or just really unpleasant, horrible intruders.

The key thing is to faciliate and not get in the way of good relationships between the "blood" members of the family and if this means them taking holidays without you then to me that is fine. Likewise, it's perfectly possible to invite ILs over to your home for everyone else's benefit and to "disappear" and use that time for your benefit to have a break, go to the hairdressers etc. And if your ILs are nice and you enjoy their company you won't want to disappear anyway.

eidsvold · 12/06/2008 03:02

funny enough most people in the UK would jump at the chance to visit Australia. I do not think your dh would spend the whole time with his parents - you could take the opportunity to visit other places in Australia. If you are worried about the flight - have a stop over. Go with Emirates - 7 hours to Dubai - have a break, seven hours to singapore, have a break, seven hours to Austalia.

FWIW - people fly with children all over the place - no hassles - no problems.

Your IL's are probably dead excited at the prospect of seeing their son, grandson and even their DIL. They are probably dead excited about showing you all off to their friends and family.

When we brought dd1 home for the first time - we were able to have a week at the beach by ourselves as a family and then spend time with family and friends for the rest of the time. It was fab.

24 hours of stress and upset - seriously! I think you are seeing problems before they arise and letting this put you off taking what would be a fabulous trip. He will probably be brilliant and enjoy being on a plane.

Did you not think when you married your dh and had children that there would be a time when he would want to take his family home and show you all off???

Anna8888 · 12/06/2008 07:35

Idina - indeed

Personally, I feel totally at ease also at picking and choosing the blood members of my own family that I wish to know and maintain relationships with - and ignoring, more or less, the others.

I was at the wedding of one of my first cousins last weekend, and she had most definitely picked and chosen the members of her family that she wished to have around her on that day - she has a huge family, since both her parents come from families of five children, and she could not possibly invite all her aunts, uncles, first cousins and their spouses and children, let alone her second cousins etc. It was actually really lovely only being with family members who really love her, and who she really loves, without the annoying hangers on who don't really care that you so often get at weddings.

AtheneNoctua · 12/06/2008 08:40

Anna, I think your view might be tainted by the not so loving relationship you have with your DP's mother. As I recall it is not a particularly warm and cozy one.

I find your views on choosing which blood relatives you do and don't like to be a tad... well... dysfunctional.

I completely agree with AbbeyA that when you marry someone you accept the rest of the life that comes with them (i.e. family). You can not separate him from the rest of his world and say I like this part of you but not this one so you go lead that part of your life on your own and I'll have nothing to do with it. Of course there will be some things he likes to do that you don't and vice versa. But, to write off parts of his immediate family is a bit more than saying "Actually I don't fancy watching this football match."

bozza · 12/06/2008 08:43

Do you have a goal? Could you place the goal at the other side of the garden so that the ball goes over the other fence? Ours nearly always goes over one way and not the other.

bozza · 12/06/2008 08:45

sorry wrong thread.

AbbeyA · 12/06/2008 10:59

I am glad that someone agrees with me! I don't see anything medieval in saying that a DP comes with a family and you can't cut them out (however much you might want to)unless he wants to cut them off.
OP either hasn't met DP's parents or hasn't seen much of them and yet she calls them the 'outlaws'! DP obviously has a good relationship with them because he wants them to see his DS and they have been arguing about it for months. OP now expects him to forget about it and 'pretend' they are a little nuclear family, cutting off his desire to visit for the first time in at least 3 years,and have a holiday in this country. If they leave it until later she will always have an excuse e.g. more DCs, school term etc. I think she is being unfair.
One DC aged 3 is easy to take on a plane (I did Gatwick-Vancouver at that age). As someone has already said they would have built in babysitters once they got there and could also have a few days away with their nuclear family.

Anna8888 · 12/06/2008 11:29

No Athene - wrong way round. I kept people I didn't care for at arm's length long, long before I met my partner's mother . And the dysfunctional attitude is the one that says blood is thicker than feelings IMVHO.

Idina · 12/06/2008 11:46

Having read OP again, I think that she should make the effort to go. I don't get on with my MIL at all, but would view things very differently if she lived on the other side of the world and I only had to visit her once every year or so.

But I still agree with Anna about the importance of keeping reasonable boundaries and not taking on any old crap just because you are bound together as part of a wider family.