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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to fly around the world to visit my outlaws?

103 replies

wineplease · 10/06/2008 21:15

This has been causing a rift between DP and I for several months now. In fact he has just called me a f*kn bth after I made my feelings known about the proposed trip.

His family (in OZ) have given us some of the air fare to visit them in October. We are very grateful for their contribution as we certainly could not afford the cost without there support.

However, I feel so pressured by the IL's. They call weekly for an update on our plans. I fully appreciate that they want to get to know DS(3) 'on their own turf', but due to commitments at home I feel this is the wrong time to go. My DS has never been on a plane and I am also scared that he will hate the experience and have to be put through 24hrs of stress and upset.

I work p/t so therefore have to save all my annual leave up for the trip. My job is so stressful at the moment and I don't feel I am coping very well with managing DS, work and housework. I need a break now!! I suggested to DP tonight that I take some hols and he exploded. He basically feels that I do not deserve to be stressed as I only work p/t.

Also, my DS has been unable to shift his flu for several weeks now and I want to give him a week off nursery to chill and be spoilt by his mum!

I can understand DP's desire to return home but (i feel)he is not taking into account my views. I really just lost it tonight after a crap day at work and just wanted to off load to all you lovely MN's. AIBU in not wanting a trip to OZ or not?

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 11/06/2008 08:32

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable
I do think you probably have to go, unfortunately

spicemonster · 11/06/2008 08:34

Can you not take unpaid leave? If you feel that strongly about it and can't get the time off, stay home but please don't deny your DS a relationship with his grandparents - it's such a wonderful thing. There was a lovely article in the Times yesterday about the benefits of grandparents - even ones a long way away

women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article4098822.ece

posieflump · 11/06/2008 08:40

I agree with Franny
I hate goig to see my inlaws and they live in this country, a 6 hour drive away and 3 nights is all I can stand
I feel really sorry for you but agree it sounds like you are going to have to go hugs {{{{}}}}}}

Surfermum · 11/06/2008 08:43

I think maybe you don't feel like going because you aren't coping very well. It just all feels like too much to think about and organise.

I wonder if the anxiety about it and desire not to go isn't real, just a symptom of how you are feeling at the moment.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:47

Am very at how many posters think the OP has to go.

No-one should be expected to use up all their annual leave on a visit to ILs the other side of the world.

My cousin lives in Sydney and comes to Europe every 18 months and her (English) husband never comes with her. My aunt lives in LA and her (American) husband comes once in a blue moon, while she comes at least once a year. Etc etc.

TotalChaos · 11/06/2008 08:47

I'm with surfermum - I wonder how far the trip is the real issue - I wonder if it's more you feel stressed out and that your DP is unsupportive.

SSSandy2 · 11/06/2008 08:49

well she says it has been causing a rift between her and dp for several months now which doesn't sound good

FrannyandZooey · 11/06/2008 08:49

no, I do agree with you Anna
I just think on balance it is going to cause less hassle for the OP and her relationship with her dh and ILS if she just goes
I think she has kind of agreed, and is only now backing down
I think she needs to go through with it unfortunately
she has my sympathy!

bozza · 11/06/2008 08:50

I don't think she has to go anna - but I would not let my 3yo be away from me for so long. However that is about me, not the OP, if she is happy with it then I think that might be a good solution, and it certainly might be for future trips as the child is older and the apron strings are not quite so tight.

posieflump · 11/06/2008 08:51

do they ever come over here to see their grandchildren?
what made them decide to live so far away or is that where your dh comes from?

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:52

I think that she had better make clear now that she is not going to be bullied into using all her precious free time/holiday money to visit ILs.

Start as you mean to go on. So much harder to change a precedent.

I don't do lots of things my ILs think I should do - that's because we have different priorities in life, and I cannot always please them without hurting myself and/or the rest of my family. That's life.

bozza · 11/06/2008 08:53

But what about the interests of the child?

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:54

I agree that it isn't necessarily easy for the OP to let her DS go on his own with her DH. But it won't harm her DS at all - on the contrary - and it will set up a good precedent.

My cousin's children (Australia) are extremely well travelled teenagers who have been taking planes on their own since they were tiny.

FrannyandZooey · 11/06/2008 08:54

I think she's already let them think she's going, Anna
if she had started by saying "no way, I need that holiday and am not prepared to do this" she would have more of a case IMO

belgo · 11/06/2008 08:54

If she doesn't want to go, then she should be prepared to let her dp take her ds without her.

If she doesn't, then she should go. ANd try and make a holiday out of it, and enjoy it. That's what I would do.

posieflump · 11/06/2008 08:56

agree with Belgo
also make sure that you don't spend all your time with the inlas
maybe they would babysit so you could spend a couple of nights with dh in a hotel for example

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 08:56

I suspect she probably "fell in" with the assumption that she was going to go along. Which is not the same as a conscious, thought out decision.

My partner, when we first together, made all sorts of assumptions about the way I was going to behave with his family and friends. It took a lot of strength to back away from those assumptions. I found myself having "tacitly agreed" to things I didn't agree with at all.

belgo · 11/06/2008 08:56

WIneplease - you are not being unreasonable about being stressed at work now. Your dp should show you some understanding about that, he's being very unreasonable to think you should never be stressed simply because you work part time.

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 08:57

If she hadn't wanted to visit Australia she shouldn't have chosen an Australian as a partner!! It is very, very unfair of her not to support him in visiting his parents. If she doesn't want to go then he should be able to take DS on his own. It will be much easier to go now with one child than in the future when they may have more than one. I took a 3 yrs old across Canada and he was great.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:00

I don't think the OP is being unsupportive about her DH visiting his parents. She doesn't want to go, that's all.

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 09:00

Anna8888-when you get together with a partner and have his dc's you are part of his family. He comes with parents, aunts, cousins etc.-not on his own.

Surfermum · 11/06/2008 09:01

And I think it's unhealthy to take all your annual leave in one go. It means you won't get a break at any other time - and when you're juggling balls and feeling stressed that really won't help.

Taking unpaid leave if you can is a good suggestion.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:02

AbbeyA - what a seriously medieval attitude

SSSandy2 · 11/06/2008 09:02

just noticed on the thread title she called them the outlaws so maybe she doesn't even get on with them very well, so I can totally understand not wanting to go. She doesn't say anything about making it difficult for her dh to go though.

I think too if they have been arguing about it for months and the whole relationship is tense and fraught these days she is maybe not feeling all that inclined to just go ahead with his plans for the family IYSWIM.

Hope you can resolve the issue somehow wineplease.

spicemonster · 11/06/2008 09:05

A compromise suggestion - if you haven't booked the tickets yet (and I'm assuming you haven't), could your DH and DS go first and you join them later? Let's face it, it's probably not you they want to see, it's your DS. And that way, they can spend time with him and you don't have to use all your holiday and you won't miss him too much if he's only away for a week.

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