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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to fly around the world to visit my outlaws?

103 replies

wineplease · 10/06/2008 21:15

This has been causing a rift between DP and I for several months now. In fact he has just called me a f*kn bth after I made my feelings known about the proposed trip.

His family (in OZ) have given us some of the air fare to visit them in October. We are very grateful for their contribution as we certainly could not afford the cost without there support.

However, I feel so pressured by the IL's. They call weekly for an update on our plans. I fully appreciate that they want to get to know DS(3) 'on their own turf', but due to commitments at home I feel this is the wrong time to go. My DS has never been on a plane and I am also scared that he will hate the experience and have to be put through 24hrs of stress and upset.

I work p/t so therefore have to save all my annual leave up for the trip. My job is so stressful at the moment and I don't feel I am coping very well with managing DS, work and housework. I need a break now!! I suggested to DP tonight that I take some hols and he exploded. He basically feels that I do not deserve to be stressed as I only work p/t.

Also, my DS has been unable to shift his flu for several weeks now and I want to give him a week off nursery to chill and be spoilt by his mum!

I can understand DP's desire to return home but (i feel)he is not taking into account my views. I really just lost it tonight after a crap day at work and just wanted to off load to all you lovely MN's. AIBU in not wanting a trip to OZ or not?

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 11/06/2008 09:06

I have only read OP, but I want to offer the other perspective. I am from another country. All of my family lives there. I went "home" a few months ago with a 5 and almost three year old. I had to go alone because DH wouldn't go. He said he didn't want to spend the money, so I said ok I'll go alone. Then, he went on holiday with his brother (and paid for both of them) while we ewre away. To be quite honest, and I hope you appreciate this contribution to the thread because he is not going to be happy if he reads it. But it pisses me off. I got married because I wanted to do things together as a family. And putting up with visiting my family once every three years doesn't seem like a lot to ask. I wanted to spend my life as a single parent I wouldn't have gotten married. I want the company. I don't want to go alone. But, I don't want to have to drag him kicking and screaming against his will either. So I such said bugger it went alone and made the best of it. But, do I resent him for it? Yes. One week out of three fricken years... why is that so much to ask??? He will have another excuse next time. But he and I both know full well it will be nothing more that just that: an excuse.

I think if you really don't want to go, then you need to at least offer for your DH to take your son alone.

kslatts · 11/06/2008 09:13

YABU.

Would you feel differently if it was your family you were going to visit?

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:14

Athene - what I find confusing with your attitude (which you are perfectly entitled to) is why you would want to take a reluctant DH along with you to visit your family in the first place?

There is only any joy in being together with family and friends if everyone is having a good time, surely? If someone isn't going to have a good time, better stay behind IMO.

belgo · 11/06/2008 09:17

Anna - she doesn't want to drag her reluctant dh to see her family - that's why she accepted that he didn't go with her.

But I understand why she feels resentful - I would be very upset if my dh refused to visit my parents especially as they want to see him as well.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:20

But why feel resentful?

I just don't get it. I have no feelings of resentment at all when my DP doesn't want to do things that I want to do. If he isn't going to enjoy it, better stay behind.

mummydoc · 11/06/2008 09:25

have you ever visited before ? you may have a fabulous holiday , agree with others who have said this isn't baout the trip more about how you are coping wiht all the demands on you at the moment and maybe this seems like one hting too many to organise/think about etc, you don't need to be thinking about it it is miles away, but if you could get together wiht dh and discuss some of the things you may do while out there - trips/restaurents to visit etc you might start getting excited and it should be something to look forward to not dread. I travelled regularly from oz to uk with dc when they were anything from 9months to 6 and it was fine. hard work but do able

soapbox · 11/06/2008 09:25

Anna - I do agree with you to some extent. Your model is very similar to that I employ with visits to my ILs. No-one likes going to visit them (for a variety of reasons) including DH!

What we do now is that we all go to a hotel in a lovely City not far from them and stay there - then DH and the DCs go on short visits to see them and I join them all for Sunday lunch before we leave to come back home.

It makes it manageable for everyone that way.

I disagree with you in this specific case though, because of the distance involved and the length of the break. Assuming that it is a 3 or 4 week break that is being discussed, then I think that is a bit too long for a 3 yo to be away from either parent (in an ideal world).

If I were the OP I would go on the holiday, but on the basis that included in our time there, we had a one week break on our own with the children, somewhere fun and relaxing (no ILs in tow)!

AtheneNoctua · 11/06/2008 09:26

Exaclty, Anna. I want him to want to go. I want some willing company in the things that are important to me, just as I am willing company in things that are important to him.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:29

Having seen lots of young members of my family "separated" from one parent for long holidays, I really don't think it matters much... They grow up and have a great relationship with both parents either way. It's not a determinant.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:32

In fact, thinking about it, I think my daughter has a much closer relationship with my parents by virtue of the fact that her father is not always around when she stays with them. That is definitely also true for my aunt and her granddaughter (from Australia) - they have had lots of cosy time together over the years just because my cousin's husband wasn't around.

soapbox · 11/06/2008 09:37

I am a little selfish though Anna - I would not be apart from my * and 10 year old for 3 or 4 weeks, never mind a 3yo.

They would cope, but I most certainly wouldn't!

soapbox · 11/06/2008 09:38

Oops that should say 8 and 10 yo!

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:44

soapbox - if I could leave my daughter with my mother for a month I would jump at the chance

soapbox · 11/06/2008 09:47

Oh well, there's the big difference Anna.

AtheneNoctua · 11/06/2008 09:52

I'm withyou Soapbox, I could send me kids away for a whole month. I would have at least go with for the middle two weeks. A week is about as long as I could bear to be separated from my kids.

Anna8888 · 11/06/2008 09:53

My mother left me with her sister for a fortnight's holiday when I was 2. And I often stayed for a week with my maternal grandparents all through my childhood. And I see my niece/nephews/cousins' children staying with relatives for extended periods.

And everyone thinks it's a lovely opportunity for all concerned.

Family cultures are very different from one another, aren't they?

AtheneNoctua · 11/06/2008 09:53

couldn't send my kids away for a whole month.

QuintessentialShadows · 11/06/2008 09:53

I dont blame your dh for calling you an effing b*tch. You are depriving his family of getting to know their grandchild and showing him/her off to the rest of the family. You work part time. Plenty of time to arrange some relaxation for yourself, and taking some weekend time to see your own family, etc.

Unless you are prepared to let your dh take the child on his own, you should not even make an issue.

You should have married an englishman if you were not prepared to travel to see his family with him.

emkana · 11/06/2008 10:25

QuintessentialShadow, I have to disagree with you on one point: I don't think there is any excuse for that kind of language, ever.

cupsoftea · 11/06/2008 10:28

sounds like you need a break from work & a few days to relax - tell this to your dp. Let him do everything for a few days.

AtheneNoctua · 11/06/2008 11:09

I thought the same thing, Emkana.

Sorry, Quint, but that was a bit harsh.

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 16:51

I don't think that my attitude is in the least medieval Anna8888! I have 3 DSs so one day I may be the 'dreaded' MIL. I hope to have DILS who see me as part of the family NOT a duty!
If one of my DSs was to go to Australia and marry (or live with)an Australian and have my grandchildren I think it would be reasonable to expect them to visit if I sent some of the money for the fare. The OP has a DS who is half Australian.
The fact that she calls them OUTLAWS is very telling. It is very unfair and controlling to live with a man and try and cut him off from his parents.

shubiedoo · 11/06/2008 17:16

Yeah, medieval is a bit harsh! We also have family on two different continents and we make a lot of effort to visit everyone as a family. No question of sending young children on their own on an overseas flight, or going with only one parent. When you marry into a family, it's expected you will need to visit them. As it happens my in-laws are better able to afford the trips here, so they come at least twice a year, and we visit them usually once a year.

EddiBritt · 11/06/2008 17:20

YABU Let DP take his child to see his parents alone. Then at least you do not have to deal with a child on a 24 hour flight.

AbbeyA · 11/06/2008 17:23

OP might find it is the best option. If she doesn't go the 'outlaws' may want to stay with her for 6 weeks!!!

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