Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

Op sorry you are getting such a hard time on here. Some posters are vile and get off on giving the op a good kicking plus you have committed the twin transgressions of 1) wanting help from a grandmother (must never expect anything from the boomers ever but woe betide you refuse to provide help or support to them in turn and you will be crucified for being selfish)and 2) using a nanny (when in reality most working parents have to have some form of wrap around care).

For what it’s worth you aren’t being unreasonable at all. I frequently see reference made to south Asian cultures and China in relation to care for the elderly and how bad it is that we don’t do this in the UK, but I never see an acknowledgment of the fact that in these cultures the grandparents give huge amounts of help with the kids in turn. My DH’s family are from a Balkan country and there is a lot more inter generational support but it goes both ways, as it should. The boomers in the UK expect to live their own life and have the freedom to do what they like but in turn expect/are going to expect massive amounts of support as they age. I think a lot are going to be sorely disappointed.

This ☝️ you are not entitled to her help. She can make her own choices. I understand that it’s hurtful to you that she seems to do more for your siblings, but still, you are not entitled to assistance from her.

I’m in my late 50s. I couldn’t manage 4 aged between 6 and 12.

just. I couldn’t do it.

The boomers? Oh, I see, you’re one of those.

Oh I entirely agree, so why isn’t the OP’s mother doing it?

”She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit.” From the OP.

We have financially planned for years to support ourselves in old age. To burden your children is grossly unfair and selfish. As is expecting grandparents who have spent years raising their own children to offer regular childcare.

If someone chooses to have 4 children, they need to plan to look after them.

Does she invite her mother? Maybe granny doesn’t want 4 children in her home?

@RoastYourOwnDamnChestnuts I’m not British or a boomer, and honestly I think it’s the opposite. The attitude towards parents and older people that you see in the UK, particularly in England, can be pretty grim. Not universal, but common enough to notice.

There’s a strong sense of take, take, take. Where’s my inheritance? Why won’t my parents do free childcare? Endless forensic analysis of fairly mild childhood grievances. What’s missing is reciprocity. There’s very little expectation of giving back, very little sense of duty, and very little community support for parents or ageing family members.

You see people in their 30s and 40s openly complaining that their parents aren’t providing financial handouts. But the idea that those same adult children might support their parents financially if illness or hardship hits is almost unthinkable.

For people from other cultures, this is genuinely baffling. That’s just not how family works in most of the world. And frankly, it makes the UK a pretty bleak place to grow old.

I am S Asian! If people really wanted to emulate our cultures, they would live with their mothers-in-law.🙂

Op is looking after them. She works 35 hours a week has a nanny for the 10 hours wraparound and her and her husband look after them the rest of the time.

Triggered? 🤣 I don’t think I am one, at 61?

No issues here. Two adult children and grandchild. Excellent relationships. Looking forward to them travelling up to our flat for a week between Christmas and new year.

Marvellous daughter who works, studies and amazingly it seems manages to bring up her own child beautifully.

There seems to be a belief on MN, if not in the real world, that if you are a woman, and that's an important distinction, if you are a woman, and you give birth to children you are resigned to caregiving for the rest of your natural life. And if you don't wish to care for your grandchildren, then your children are justified in just dumping you outside of nursing home in your old age and never seeing you again.

So why complain about lack of childcare from granny? 35 hours is not a taxing working week. Most people have to work longer hours and still maintain relationships with wider family. Why have 4 children if you struggle?

Excellent point, and it has been bothering me that granma is expected to step in whereas the husband is very much trailing behind in first line childcare all year.

I think, meself, that OP’s mum probably has a few very cogent reasons for being less forthcoming with this family than with the other siblings’, but is letting discretion speak for her rather than spell it out and cause inevitable ructions here.
Could be general knackeredness with four kids, the youngest only six.
Could be the use of joss sticks in the house, the lack of easy bus access, the scary neighbours
Could be that the husband has caused some kind of issue between them, could be OP’s evident general attitude towards her mother, as though the latter is required to have a damn good reason for not being at her beck.

Anything, but OP hadn’t even winkled out any possibilities, just a baseline of poor service.

No 6 year old is self-sufficient!

Yeah. That word instantly devalues any thesis to the juvenile level of the comments seen in the Daily Fail.

But why is it this way? Because successive older generations have voted to persue their own self interest rather than what was in the best interests of society as a whole. A huge manipulated and inflated housing market, a sell off of council properties with the right to buy, the privatisation of national infrastructure and utilities all to enhance the wealth of the boomers and older generations and make life harder and harder for successive generations. It’s no surprise that younger generations are struggling and so pissed off and resentful. They have borne the brunt of austerity measures whilst the older generations have voted to Brexit knowing that they were largely protected from the economic turmoil through home ownership and a triple locked state pension.

The UK is a shit show and the blame lies squarely with the older generations for this. I don’t see any of the reciprocity in other cultures here. It’s all one way. Freedom and individualism when it suits them and support and family when it doesn’t.

ODFOD.

People live their life according to the hand society at that time deals them.

We most certainly did not vote for Brexit so you can bugger off with your bigotry.

Never voted Conservative, either. Certainly won’t be voting for Reform. HTH.

Ok, it's 4 kids. I would struggle with babysitting 4 kids. Most people would, I think.
My own kids are 4.5 years apart so I only ever had one at a time.

@ForZanyAquaViewer as an Asian I agree with you. I mostly see an absolute hatred of older people on MN and endless moaning about not getting childcare or deposits or holidays blah blah. And then romanticization of Asian cultures by people who are not Asian.

Nah you first.

There is obvious some huge guilt going on there because anytime anyone mentions something negative about boomers (a description of the post war generation) you are all over it, triggered to a massive degree.

Nothing to see here.

I find “snowflake” highly offensive too, as parent to 30 and 22 year olds.

Anyone who tars any group with the same stereotypical brush simply isn’t too bright.

I am not romanticising Asian cultures or Balkan ones for that matter where there is a lot of misogyny underpinning this care. Just pointing out that a lot of the comparison is very skewed and ignores the reciprocity that goes on in these cultures.

This 6 year old is, pretty much. Gets himself dressed, gets his own breakfast, and doesn't need any help in the toilet. He is very capable and happy to do so, he's emulating his older siblings. The kids all have reasonably quiet personalities, no hyperactive types. So it's not difficult to mind them.
I've never asked my mother to cook a meal or have them for extended periods of time or change nappies etc when they were younger. It's literally just asking her once in a blue moon to help out for an hour or so. Really can't understand the anger and enraged responses on here about that.