Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

The op is getting a hard time because they’ve posted on behalf of someone else before which has confused the issue, they’ve dodged how many kids they have and they haven’t said the ages of the kids.

You haven't answered the multiple posters asking how many children you have, as well as their ages..

I don't know if you are the same poster who posted a few months back about needing to go out for nappies, and berating your mother's lack of help/involvement then.

But in any case, you need to accept SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. And that is her right. Though I suspect it is more to do with the number of children you have and it being a case of her finding it too much hard work.

And I think she has five kids. I don’t think I could babysit five kids, tbh.

I certainly couldn't!

Three would be my max, and that's if they're well-behaved.

What did she say when you spoke to her about it? Does she have any specific reasons or she just doesn’t want to.

how often do you as mum and daughter see each other, do you talk regularly on the phone? Do you have a close relationship with her?

do you see her regularly as a family?

You have managed to have had four kids by the partner “who is not from here” so I think he is probably familiar enough with UK ways by now to offer more support to you, so up the expectation levels by about twenty notches there.

Your mother is clearly a lost cause, just remind her that she should not plan or expect to rely on you for help as she ages.

Perhaps her schedule just hasn't aligned with yours on those occasions. And even if it did there is no law in the land that says she has to do it, whether she's free or not.

When she ages Op will probably be too busy with multiple children to be able to help her out.

My mum was really hands on with her grandchildren, giving money and time. When she became elderly and needed care none of them helped because they took it for granted that her only childfree child would do it all, just as they had taken it for granted that mum would help them out when she had capacity. They never expressed gratitude. So, there's no guarantees.

My advice to the grandmothers out there is to put yourselves first. It is possibly the last chance you have to do so. if you have any capacity to spare then you can decide whether to expend it caring for grandchildren or not, but put yourself first. This is the only life we have and now is the your last chance to realise that life is not a rehearsal and to do all the things you have ever dreamed of.

And what about the grandfathers? Anyone upset about their dads not helping with childcare now that they have retired and have all the time in the world? What? They're on the golf course? Oh, right...

Interesting how younger women are expected to provide care both ways, to raise their own children alone (because asking for any help is “entitled”) and provide care to elderly parents when the time comes. The boomer entitlement is massive - this is a generation that received a huge amount of support with childcare from their parents but have zero intention of paying it forwards. They are the epitome of individualism and selfishness.

Don’t want to help your kids when they are struggling with young children? Fine, but dont then expect any support when you are elderly and frail. You reap what you sow and it works both ways. Besides which, it will be our turn to enjoy ourselves by then - I mean fair is fair right?!

Will we ever find out how many kids OP has?

Have you perhaps said to your mother not to wear slippers too, or is that just the nanny

When?!??!! Bloody when?!?? Op works 35 hours a week, plus commuting, plus childcare, plus running a household and all that entails pretty much solo by the sounds of it. When is she supposed to be seeing her mother (without the kids presumably)? The lack of understanding on this thread is unreal.

So, an average parent, then. Most manage to see their mums.

I am not a boomer
Received no childcare as both sets of parents too far away at that time and my dad was ill for years
Still intend to take care of my mum as she has done enough by being a good mum to me to deserve it.
Won't be blackmailed or threatened into giving childcare, especially not to any child of mine who is foolish enough to have 4 or 5 kids.

So just being a normal person then?

What, without their children? Who looks after their kids at the weekends if their husbands and partners are working away?

We don't have anyone at all, not even 4 evenings a year, so maybe have some gratitude for the help you do get. It's exhausting having no support, but it's our responsibility to look after our children. We don't spend time moaning about the lack of help from grandparents ...

Youngest is 6 up to 12. 4 kids. They are pretty self sufficient.

Be real. Asking grandparents to babysit kids who are in bed, 4 times a year (so once every 3 months), is the most bare minimum in terms of help and the OP doesn’t even get that. What should she be grateful for exactly?! The bar is so low here it’s subterranean.

Don’t look after her or help her when she gets old.

Who said it has to be without the kids? My husband worked away for years and my parents lived 3 hours away. We managed.

@SilverDoublet I think on the surface it can feel very unfair seeing others receive more support. Often it boils down to one or more of the below reasons.

1. A better relationship with one adult child over another
2. Easier expectations from one over another - expectations of adult children can vary and be more/less demanding on grandparents while baby-sitting. Some people for example are very strict about what grandparents are allowed to feed them, some expect whole evenings (cinema, dinner out) vs just an hour or two while parents go for a drink etc.
3. One adult child has enough money to hire help so grandparents just feel it's better to help those who don't.
4. Competition with other grandparents/inlaws, not wanting to be seen to be less helpful than in-laws
5. Relationship with grandchildren - definitely in our family grandparents are closer to some grandchildren than others. There's no rhyme nor reason that's obvious but it's easy to see.
6. Different styles of parenting which can lead to conflict. You only have to read a day of Mumsnet posts to see that grandparents can be made to feel they aren't doing things right.
7. Tired and just don't have enough to go round
8. Feeling expected rather than appreciated.
9. Easier to say no to some adult children than others. Sometimes that's b/c of fear of being cut off, sometimes it's a positive reason, knowing that you can be honest with that adult child that you can't manage it and they'd respect that.
10. Age of grandchildren. Some people find the early years very physically demanding. Some don't enjoy the teen years as much.

Also, let's be honest, cat sitting is far easier than baby-sitting.

In your situation could you ask your nanny to baby-sit one night/month so you and dh can have a date night? Many nannies do that for extra money and that shouldn't interfere with her schooling. If that won't work maybe ask if she has any nanny friends?

If you don't chat to your Mum about it then I'd chalk it up to for whatever reason your Mum isn't interested in baby-siting and accept it. Spend time with her in other ways and work on your relationship. Don't make the quality of your relationship hinge on whether she is willing to baby-sit.

Good Luck!

Well presumably the OP’s mother as she doesn’t want to help out in any way with the kids around. So then that leaves the option of OP seeing her without them. Which sounds damn near impossible. It’s a nice catch 22 that leaves the OP stuffed.

And good for you. Just because you “managed” doesn’t mean that others should not get help and support when they need it. You do realise they don’t give out awards for martyrs, yes?

Chatting with your mum over a cup of tea whilst your kids aged 6-12 play is hardly martyrdom, is it? What “help” could you possibly need in those circumstances?

Some people just like to dramatise everything.

That’s just…normal life? What most of us do? We still see friends and family. Why are you writing it out like it’s the trials of Job?

Quite. The only martyrdom on this thread is from people who choose to have families then expect other people to look after them.