Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

She must think you don't need it because you have a nanny. And maybe if you've more kids than the others and they are more boisterous it could feel too much for her to do it often. Or has your relationship with her been strained from past events?

Sone people's mums are too elderly or disabled to do any childcare duties. Some are just not that way inclined as they feel they've done their time.

In your case I get it's hurtful to compare how much she seems to do for the others. But you can't force her to do it so you have to kind of accept things as they are.

Exactly this.
My husband (significantly older), relevant and myself are one of these "grandparents".
My husband is entitled to living his life the way he wants and I never wanted or had children in mine, not even for a day.
Everyone is different.

Noone has the "duty" to help with your kids.

Whats wrong in expecting some help from your mum of all ppl, who helps others as per the post. What's wrong in having a conversation about it? Ops mum is free to explain what ever she wants is the reason behind not helping .. there's no shame in wanting help from your mum of all ppl. Im sure the mum will want help when shes old. You really have gone too far with the feminist rant. My mum helped me alot and I would have struggled without her and I'm so grateful for her support.

That was my first thought too.

@SilverDoublet

Youre still ignoring the question about your siblings financial situations compared to yours?

Well if you have five kids and a paid for nanny I might not be falling over myself to help. Not many people could cope with babysitting five kids, paying a going rate seems to be the way to go. I would never have asked family to look after that many. Does your mother approve of your husband, or does she think he should be around more to help with his kids?

"We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here"

You chose this for you so why are you blaming grandma? she is part of your marriage and family plan?

Another granny gripe! They do too much, they interfere, they don't do enough.... Grannies cannot win on M/N.
Instead beefing on here, speak to her about how it looks from your side. The answer lies with you, not here.

Your mum doesn’t have to automatically babysit your children.

Although yes it is strange she does for your siblings. So either you have too many children for her to cope with, they are not as well behaved as you think (and their cousins) or she feels because you have a nanny she doesn’t feel the need as you have all the help you need. The only way you are going to find out is to ask her, but maybe you don’t have the relationship with her you think otherwise surely you would have done this already? And not having that relationship may be another reason why she isn’t treating you as fairly.

I'm not talking about her taking on all my childcare. I'm talking about being refused any help when the occasional situation does come up, every 6 months or so. She lives 5 mins away and works one day a week.

Do you see her / spend time with her regularly?

I presumed she had talked to her about it. Obviously that’s the first thing you do. I have to no avail

’Woke’, me arse. But certainly, if this is an example of a toxic mother in many people’s eyes, then I really despair.

OP, how many kids do you have and how old are they? It could be helpful information.

I hope so because its good to just have a conversation but you say 'obviously' but thats just not true. Alot of ppl dont speak up. Im sorry to hear that a conversation your end was pointless. But you did the right thing speaking up regardless!

I think the pertinent question is how many kids and how old - we used to happily babysit my niece, and then two nieces, but when they had a third we drew the line, we only had two ourselves as that is what we could manage. Just found three really overwhelming and feared an accident or similar so we stopped offering childcare once there were three of ‘em! It was just too much.

She already raised you,, job done well of bad, she is done with it. You need to make other arrangements.
Yeah, it will be nice, it will show care, and all that stuff but you can't force her.

Not sure why OP is getting such a rough deal. Having a nanny 10 hours a week while OP works for 35hours is just the same as having kids in breakfast club and afterschool club every day? And I don’t think she’s complaining that she needs much more help, I think it’s more about being hurt that her mum isn’t interested in helping. It’s hard when the people who are meant to care about you don’t seem interested.

We will never know this as OP has avoided answering for the whole long thread.

What does she say when you ask her about the unfairness of your siblings getting free help from her and you getting nothing?

Are you as angry about your in-laws not helping and does your H ask THEM for help?

OP has ignored my question three times about her financial situation compared to her siblings.

I have a feeling the OP is in a very privileged position and her siblings may not be so their mother chooses what little energy she has for childcare to give to the siblings more in need.

OP has a nanny and a husband who works away frequently (both pointing to a bigger income)

Oops. My apologies. I got you mixed up with another poster 💐

You have either four or five children. That's a much bigger ask than looking after one or two, or cat sitting.

I have a relative with 5 kids and I find going to that house a nightmare because there's far too much noise and chaos. It suits them and they love it; it doesn't work for me and that's fine, it doesn't need to.

Do you have a reasonable relationship with your mum, outside of wanting childcare? How often does your family see her/invite her to lunch, etc?

You choose to have kids.