Inheritance

[Flowergirl2]

A fairly long story…..
DH’s relative died last year (she had no children). DH has one sibling.

We have 2 children together (15&16) and he has 3 grown children too from previous relationship.

Deceased relative split inheritance equally between DH, DSIL and DH’s 3 grown up
children. Around 100k each. Nothing left to our DC.

I find this odd and hurtful that they have been left out with no obvious explanation. We will give ours to our DC but it’s the fairness and what this implies that hurts rather than the money.

Am I right to feel hurt and question why this has happened. There seemed no issue at all when she was alive.

DH grown up children will not share theirs with their half siblings (our DC). I feel none of this is fair on our DC.

YABU to expect your step children to share their inheritances. 100k can set young adults up. It was also the wishes of the person who left the money that they got it.

Yea, it is shit.

That is life.

Sorry you are going through it OP.

Well, your husband and his older children have already inherited most of the estate. I hope you don't think there should have been a further split, thus reducing the SIL's share further.

In any case, the relative can leave her estate to anyone she pleases.

I would wonder if she suspected that your and DH’s own wills (understandably) are written in such a way that your shared DC will benefit from the majority of it (all of your share of property and assets plus half of his) whilst his older DC will only stand to inherit a much smaller half of DH’s sole share, and sought to redress that, particularly if their own mother isn’t well off. Regardless, I wouldn’t spend too much time overthinking it and getting upset over it. It is what it is, and she wasn’t a grandparent or somebody who could reasonably be expected to be obliged to treat them all the same.

The simple answer is you & DH allocate a slightly higher % of inheritance to your joint children than to DH's older children in your wills to take into account that your joint kids didn't inherit from the aunt.

The problem with inheritance is that some people are practical and others are emotional.

Aunt probably looked at the situation and thought "well the oldest three will be able to use that money now for house deposits etc and by the time the youngest ones are the same age, my nephew and his wife will be in a better position to help them as the oldest are all sorted out." You are looking at it from an emotional standpoint that they should all be treated the same as if money equals love, and not acknowledging her more practical view. Sadly it is often the case that younger kids get the better deal as by the time they need financial assistance, there is more money to spare.

I think the biggest loser here is SIL and if I was her I would be feeling a bit naffed off that my share was predicated on how many kids my siblings had. And I have to admit that if I were the Aunt, I would have split my estate three ways between the three sibling niece/nephews and let them split their shares amongst their own kids/nieces and nephews as they choose.

Editted as it seems I can't spell niece!

OP are you much more affluent then SCs Mum? Maybe relative thought you or your side of the family would give more to your two children and was trying to even it out?

Maybe DH could give his 100k to your shared kids so they have £50k each to even it out a bit?

From the OP it seems that he is giving his share to their shared kids which suggests that he and the OP can afford to give away 100k, so thats a good call about the SC's mum.

From Aunts POV, if the OP's kids have two parents who are doing ok then they stand a better chance in the long run of inheriting (or being gifted) a decent amount of money later. If SC's mum isnt so affluent then their inheritance etc is going to be smaller due to the existence of their half siblings on their dad's side.

This

I presume it's because she assumed or knew that upon DHs death everything would go to you, and from there she felt there was a chance you wouldn't leave that estate divided evenly between the 5 children

No one is owed an inheritance so it's not reasonable to be hurt or upset by one not happening. No one has any obligations to leave their assets in a particular way.

I think the deceased's choices were reasonable. It would have been entirely fair to leave your DH and his DSis 50% each, £250k each, meaning that eventually each of your DHs 5 DC might get £50k once DH passes it on (whether immediately, or after his death, or whenever) - IF DH was scrupulously fair about it. But if DH predeceased you and you got everything from DH's estate you would be at liberty to disinherit his older children (which hopefully you wouldn't do but you might).

With what actually happened, your 2 younger DC will still get their £50k share sooner or later, but the 3 who are in their 20s and at a perfect time to be thinking mortgage deposits are getting their share doubled compared to the above, at the expense of your SIL. She has much more reason to be annoyed than you.

Your teenagers will be fine. Be content with the benefit of this blessing not griping and moaning that it might have been more.

Do you know when she wrote the will?

Could she have written it before yours existed?

Well then that was what she wanted. So that's that.

Be grateful for your free money and get on with your life.

This!!! You die first DH would share between his 5 kids. He dies first SC might not get anything.

Anyway it's DH's sister I feel sorry for. Why did DH get the lion's share?

Assuming this is an aunt of your DH, this might be about the relationships between the grandparent of the older children versus the younger children. As in, it’s nothing to do with you or your children. It’s to do with how your (say) FIL felt and talked to his sister about his older grandchildren from his son’s first marriage as opposed to his youngest grandchildren from his son’s second marriage. I’ve seen this before. The relationship that the aunt would have honoured in making these bequests could have been the lifelong one with her brother. She may not have considered you “young ones”. And if she did - because she named the three older GDC of her brother - that could be because, sadly, she didn’t feel the connection between her brother and the younger GDC was the same. I could be totally off and this may not apply to you, but like I say I’ve seen it before.

You are being unreasonable to even question this. People can leave their money in whatever way they choose. There must have been a reason they chose this way - that reason is not your business. I suspect as some people have said, it was done to address the likely future imbalance in inheritance between DH’s older children and your younger two.
If anything, it is SIL who could feel an unfairness in the split of amounts.

It is a bit of an odd thing to do, and I can see why it would sting you might take it as a personal reflection on you and your kids.

Being logical she has technically left 4/5 to your DH family, and only 1/5 to the DSIL which is again a bit wierd. I think if I was the DSIL I would be a bit annoyed.

However, I would feel your feelings and then move on. You can't change it, and you can't ask her why- so you are in the end doing it to yourself. Noone is entitled to any inheritence.

I find this odd and hurtful that they have been left out with no obvious explanation. We will give ours to our DC but it’s the fairness and what this implies that hurts rather than the money.

Am I right to feel hurt and question why this has happened. There seemed no issue at all when she was alive.

Question who? The dead aunt? Whatever the reason she did it, you're going to have to get over the idea that you will get any answers now.

I'm another one thinking it odd that you're upset about siblings (or half siblings) being treated unfairly - but are seemingly convinced that your DH's DSis - who got 20% of the legacy whilst her DB got 80% for him and his own immediate family - wasn't treated unfairly enough.

As PP have said, she may have been looking ahead to the possibility of you surviving your DH and then subsequently leaving your combined wealth to your joint DC only and none to his. To be fair (although she could never have known, of course) you've demonstrated this kind of mindset already by instantly disregarding the feelings of your DSIL about losing 60% of her share as a given, and prioritising your own family.

It was entirely the deceased relative's choice, of course; but for the sake of fairness, it would have been much simpler if she'd left 50% each to your DH and to his DSis and then left them to share their half with their own family (your DH, who has children) or keep it all (his DSis, who has no children to share it with).

Incidentally, is your DSIL definitely too old to have (or adopt) children herself now? What would happen if she did have a child(ren) and was then bitter about her child never getting any share whilst her DB and some of his DC got four fifths of the very substantial amount of money?

Why would he give less of HIS money to some of his kids?

This is not the solution.

I can see her reasoning. Your dc are still young so she sees them as part of dh's family whom she has looked after. The older ones probably wouldn't have gained anything if your dhs share was bigger so she wanted to give them something. Your dh has still received a substantial sum, I wouldn't be complaining!

I think you need to let it go. There’s no way you can know what her thinking was at this point. She’s entitled to write her will whatever way she chooses and DH’s children are also entitled to use their inheritance as they choose. No one has any entitlement beyond the fulfilment of the terms of the will. And it is inevitable with blended families that not everything will be equal. The best thing you can do for your children is not let them get bothered by it. Which means you need to let it go.

This. Your SIL has my sympathy tbh.

Fairness is a matter of perception in this case.

Why would you assume that your step children would share? Thats an awful assumption to make, especially when your husband can share if he wants.

Maybe the Aunt saw her oldest great nieces and nephews suffer through their parents separation and then having to watch him
create and bring up a new family, and she wanted to do something to show them that they were valued.