DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

I don’t think that he should have pulled out of the work trip; I know it’s not easy but he seems to have been quite open with you, plus it might have caused issues for him at work had he not gone. Generally, if people have to change their behaviour to that degree in a relationship, there’s something wrong.

The nature of his reply, however, leaves me less reassured. While we would all ideally not be jealous or anxious without clear cause, it is natural in relationships and I think he should be more willing to reassure you and just be a bit kinder. He should understand that you might be more concerned than with a ‘normal’ ex because he was involved with her when she was married. Taking a generous view, I suppose he might genuinely feel frustrated as he feels he has been very open with you and you appear to mistrust him, yet I still think he could show more compassion. His reply is crude and a bit nasty to be honest, which makes me think he isn’t very nice.

I can’t believe he’s dared to have an issue with you feeling uncomfortable…. Smacks of classic gaslighting and deflection.

I would send him this:

Hi Partner’s Name.
I’m unclear why you purport to be confused and affronted. You previously freely shared with me that you and ex-affair partner have form for enjoying illicit, forbidden encounters on work trips, with scant regard for fidelity. Ergo, I feel uncomfortable.

You’ve now demonstrated that you either have the empathy of an empty spoon OR you’re being duplicitous and are seeking to gaslight me.

Either way, please don’t return. Our relationship is over.

Cheers,
FishOutOfWater.

This is exactly where I was and agree.

Since seeing the latest update no chance.

At best he has no respect for you OP. At worst, you know the answer.

Well he's certainly got questionable morals and doesn't mind sharing the details, including keeping you up to date. I would not be surprised in the slightest if they got it together again.

He's a piece of work.

Imagine if the tables were turned. You were away on an overnight work trip with someone you used to shag regularly and you told him to stop texting you and 'ruining your night'. Do you think he'd stand for that treatment? Would he fuck. I don't know why you're entertaining this nonsense for a minute longer. Tell him not to bother coming back.

I'm sorry OP. This must be really painful. But it's obvious what's going on. Him being 'honest' with you will have been twisted in his mind to equal you giving him permission. It's okay because you 'know about it'.

How long have you been together? Do you share finances/property? Will it be easy to get him out of your life? He sounds horrid.

He has another option, he can not do it. He wants to do it.

If any woman came in here and said that her husband had told her not to go away on a work trip because he didn't trust her not to have an affair, would the advice be to phone in sick? No of course not, she'd be told to leave the controlling bastard!

Don't pretend it is controling not to want your husband to fuck another woman again. Nobody believes that's what you believe. You are fooling nobody.

I’d be telling him to get a train up and stay in a different hotel. Also wondering if the other colleague ever existed.

Of course not wanting your husband to fuck another woman isn't controlling. That's perfectly normal.

Telling him not to go to work because you don't trust him - that IS controlling!

Nope. Not wanting your husband to go on a trip on his own with a woman he regularly fucked on very similar trips and with whom he had the best sex of his life - which for some reason he felt the need to boast about - is not controlling, it's understandable.

But you already know this.

Well if it’s someone she once had a relationship with and had really great sex and maybe still had a thing for, we would be all telling her to avoid this situation in any way possible. There was a thread a couple of months ago where a woman had a really close bond with someone at work and thought about him all the time. She wanted to tell her DH and everyone said don’t tell DH or you will set in motion something you can’t stop. Stop obsessing over colleague and stay away. So she told her DH. Don’t know why she asked really.

Absolutely

funny how being controlling is fine when it’s a woman doing it

This is exactly what I was just about to say!

Yep, spot on. He is now monstering the OP for having understandable and reasonable fears. If he actually gave a shit about OP he would simply not go and would not have suggested going.

So OP either puts up with a horrible, clearly unacceptable situation or is the nagging controlling wife.

How convenient for him.

The crucial difference is that the OP's partner has previous with the 'best sex ever' woman.

And boasted about it to her. And had the "best sex ever" on very similar "work" trips.

I asked my DH what he would do in this situation, on the understanding that not going to work things often isn’t a real option. He said he would either not stay overnight and arrange his own transport there and back, seeing as it’s only 2hrs, or he would skip the dinner/drinks and watch a film with me via phone or video call in the evening.

I agreed!

He was a twat to tell you it was the best sex he ever had. What a twunt.

Yep. This would be a very fair solution too. It is very telling indeed that her DH is choosing the unacceptable option and pretending he has no choice.

I'd personally never be in a relationship with someone who'd had an affair in the first place. Would never trust their moral compass.

Greggsit

no we wouldn’t because you need to make sure you don’t develop these kind of attachments that would threaten your marriage - it’s a life’s work

And it was while she was married so there’s nothing stopping it now

Didimum

your DH is great!

Dump him!!! It’s so disrespectful of hik to say this and he has been so immature in his response to you and trying to make you feel mental. You can’t stay with him after this. If he had replied and said I totally get why you’re worried don’t though nothing is going to happen Im not interested I’ll ring you later or something that would’ve been totally fine but he has been awful you deserve so much better