DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Lol. Did he now? He's a right cunt. I suspect this is just one of a long list of cuntery he's gotten away with.

He's probably fucked her by now. If not, they definitely had a giggle and a snicker about it. What are you going to do about it? Or is Doormat your new middle name?

He sounds like a real charmer…
Op I would feel exactly the same but hounding him with texts and calls isn’t going to change the outcome. And if it is innocent it will show him that you don’t trust him so I would genuinely try to keep a lid on the anxiety and just stop texting him for tonight.
He has a point that he didn’t have to tell you about the travel arrangements or that she was going so that’s positive.
Ultimately what will be will be. It does sound like you don’t fully trust him which is a problem. If it were my dh in this situation I wouldn’t be pleased about it but im confident he wouldn’t stray.

But he has told OP he is going with this woman and that they are staying in the same hotel. This is either goady, or he's being upfront and honest and thus can be trusted. No?

Maybe its a bit coincidental that the other person is not going now or maybe not, do you know if the third person was really going ?

If they dropped out why couldnt he if makes you feel a certain way ?

Ergh I’d be beside myself with stress over this. He’s not being very reassuring.

I really feel for you op. I would be beside myself in this situation. It isn't always about how much you can trust someone, in a situation like this you always have the 'what ifs'. I think if he was a nice and kind person he would be reassuring you more than he has done, he isn't being kind to you. You deserve better.

Nope.

This.

Id end the relationship,
You obviously don't fully trust him and likely never will,
Hes shown you his true character by engaging in an affair previously and now not acknowledging how worried you are or trying to reassure you in any way.
These feelings will only get worse in time, id get out now before you have children, a house etc

Nope, this is unacceptable. Obviously he can’t call in sick etc but I would expect him to

1. be honest about the fact that they are both going to be there
2. make his own way up there, and not share a car
3. travel early early in the morning, and not stay the night
4. not minimise your feelings or act as if you’re being ridiculous or unreasonable

Anything other than doing all of these things would oiss me off, and we’d have a problem

Good grief, so you expect him to travel two hours back late at night after the team dinner, and then get up at the crack of dawn and drive two hours back the next day to attend the meeting, not comply with car sharing policy, travel on his own, so you could ensure there is no chance he could be unfaithful.

if you need to behave in this controlling manner to keep your husband faithful then your marriage is already dead.

how utterly hideous,

My work allows overnights (even if you live 2 hours away) if the work event goes on well into the evening.

Wow, @Fishoutwater, that is one belittling message. What an utter asshole he is to ignore and then dismiss you with cold contempt instead of empathizing and reassuring you with kindness and affection.

After all he has said (inappropriately) about their fantastic sex, of course you feel uncomfortable about their cozy trip in the car and hotel stay. It sounds like he’s a narcissistic triangulator who wants to keep you unbalanced and on the back foot.

There will be a reason that he is creating distance between you. I agree with @Cardinalita90 that he’s feeling a nostalgic buzzy frisson and ego boost after their car ride and subsequent time together (the pool?), hence his villainizing you to justify any transgressions that occur. It’s also possible that his ‘honesty’ is actually ‘hiding in plain sight’, and they have actually engineered this whole scenario, including the mystery colleague who bowed out.

He’s a nasty piece of work and I’d be informing him that the relationship is over.

Well his work event obviously doesn’t go into the evening since he’s been spending it in the gym and pool!

It’s not about OP needing to tell him to do this as proof of being faithful, it’s her partner doing this of his own volition out of respect to their relationship and OP’s feelings.

Your relationship is dead if your partner doesn’t prioritise you this way.

I commute 1.5hrs into work three days a week. The poor diddums can manage one work trip 2hrs away if the alternative is staying with his old affair partner.

She wouldn’t be “tagging along” she’s his partner. And hardly deranged for being uncomfortable with it I’d say it’s more deranged to be waving him off with a smile and packed lunch.

She was cheating on her husband with him, he was shagging another man’s wife. Now they’re going away together, drinking and staying in a hotel?
No definitely not.

The aspects of this I'd feel uncomfortable with are that he was a willing affair partner in the first place, and being told of previous mind-blowing sex (I don't want to know, which is one reason I'm not a fan of "talking openly about past relationships" full stop).

Aside from that, I don't believe anyone gets to stick their oar into their partner's professional life. If I need to travel for my career, then I need to travel for my career. My partner doesn't get to tell me who I can and can't travel with. Those things aren't up to me! And my partner certainly doesn't get to request that I lie to pull out of anything work-mandated. If DP had done that after only three years I would have certainly dumped him for it.

If you don't trust your partner not to shag someone else at the first opportunity then you shouldn't be going out with them. If OP feels he's given her enough reason not to trust him then she should dump him, not try to control aspects of his life that she shouldn't have any input in.

Most people are actually capable of spending one-to-one time with exes, former flings etc without cheating on their current partners - something that MN refuses to believe but that's actually the norm.

I don't think anyone should have to jump through hoops to prove to their partner that they're not going to cheat, or to contort their lives so there's no opportunity to cheat. That's an unhinged path to go down.

If I was the OP's partner I wouldn't be acquiescing to any of her demands, I'd be insulted she thought so little of me and I would probably dump her.

That said if I felt like the OP about my partner - if I was really so convinced he was going to cheat on me - I would be dumping him, not trying to control his work life.

Once a relationship gets to this point it's dead.

This?

'I don't think anyone should have to jump through hoops to prove to their partner that they're not going to cheat, or to contort their lives so there's no opportunity to cheat. That's an unhinged path to go down.'

This is true generally but in this situation context matters.

If someone has previously shown enthusiasm for being involved in the lies and deceit that comes with having sex with married people it kind of shows you who they are.

He is now away with the very same person he had such great sex with and being all defensive with the ops understandable concerns. Unless the cheat now has her eyes on some other hapless idiot then sadly I would bet a tenner theyve had a repeat performance.

Your last update with him telling you not to ruin his evening was outrageous!
He clearly has no respect for you. I’d be telling him you won’t be ruining anything because he can get to fuck now.
What on earth do you see in the prick?

And therefore she should dump him, not make up ridiculous hoops for him to jump through.

If you trusted him, this wouldn't be an issue

Obviously you don't so end it

I don't think you can really trust anyone completely though. That doesn't mean I can never have a relationship. I just hope for the best but accept it could happen.