DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

If you don’t trust him the relationship is over anyway.

OP this is a hideous situation.
I know it is a bit late in the day but any chance you could go with him on the pre text of there being a good shopping centre nearby?
I am sure your partner is trustworthy however it is a question of temptation and opportunity and there will be both. I think a lot of people (not all) would take the opportunity (male and female) especially if alcohol is involved.

I don't think many people would be comfortable with this situation and you are right to be concerned.

Omg please do not follow him/spy on him/get someone local to "lurk". You've already lost if you do anything like this.

He didn't cheat on you back then as he was free and single/hadn't met you, as you described, hard BUT there was someone else (her husband) in that equation who WAS hurt, so that's really not ideal.

I always say to my dp that if he ever wanted to cheat (zero indication, but he just needs to know) that he can just tell me he wants to leave me and can pack his bags there and then. I will keep the dogs.

I've previously been with someone (1990s) who suddenly started going out at night, different aftershave, all the clichés, and it was so painful, not least because of how rubbishly obvious it was. He was a terrible liar.

At least he DID tell you she was going to be there/travelling with her, which could be a double bluff but I doubt it.

There are so many angles to this we could go through, but ultimately none of that matters. If your instincts say this is totally innocent, then trust that until you have a reason to suspect otherwise.
But given you’re on here, it makes me think there’s been other things. And if your instinct is that he has / will do something, then trust it. And make a decision accordingly. You don’t have to leave today, this year, this decade. You can sit on this and make a note.

My partner met up with his ex wife for a day where she now lives when he was on holiday this summer. He once got back with her after a gap of two years, when he had started seeing someone else.

I genuinely knew nothing would happen between but it still felt very strange and I did find it challenging. It was the first time they had met up socially since we got together several years ago.

What strikes me is that my partner completely understood, checked in with me before and after their time together. I wasn't going to ring him at all for a few days when he was away, he didn't have to check in with me before and after but he wanted to make me feel better.

i would find your partners defensiveness and distain for your feelings very hurtful.

I’d ditch him for this- his disregard for your feelings, lack of reassurance and the fact he had skankily shagged a married woman anyway.
what’s your living situation?

If her feeling is ‘I don’t trust him around other women and I want him to stop being around other women’ then he’d be within his rights to decide the relationship wasn’t for him.

Telling you she’s the best sex he’s ever had is a bit out of line to be honest. He didn’t need to share that with you.

He obviously knows you’re worried but his response to your messages seemed quite rude.

I can understand why you’d be worried though. The fact he’s been up front with you should count for something.

This is interesting as I would use any information I was given to decide whether someone would be a good partner. I can totally understand why it would be bothering you.

He doesn’t want to cheat, and he doesn’t think he will. He’s been honest with you so he’s accountable because he genuinely doesn’t want to be that guy.

But he will.

“Best sex I ever had apart from you” usually means “best sex I ever had full stop”, by the way.

He is really lacking in emotional intelligence isn't he? He can't see why you'd be upset? and seeks to minimise your issue with this, turning it around to be "your problem". Tells you not to disturb him tonight.

All the time on MN we hear people advising "trust your gut instincts". I think that is good advice here.
If it looks and sounds suspicious then it probably is.

And I second those that said 2 hours away doesn't require a hotel stay. It's hardly New York.

This....why not? you and hubby meet for a nice dinner after his work, get a free hotel night away! Put this to him and see his reaction.

I can see how this is a tricky situation for you. I can’t believe he shared this information with you, especially that the woman still works with him.
When I was in a very toxic relationship a long time ago I had an affair with a married man, I was young and vulnerable but it’s absolutely the most shameful thing about my life and there’s no way I’d talk about it with my current DP, only my best friend knows about it.
Im absolutely mortified about the thought of it and there’s no way Id do it again if our paths ever crossed.
im not sure what im trying to say but maybe he’s just moved on and wont go there again. It’s surprising he doesn’t feel embarrassed enough not to share that info with anyone. And now he’s surprised they’re feeling insecure. Do you know why and how they ended their affair?

He's doing more than travelling that night

So you already know he's a sleaze who enjoyed sneaking around having sex with a married colleague when staying in hotels.

Plus his main priority was to 'enjoy his night' without you texting him reminding him of your existence. It doesn't look good.

Are you really ever going to have peace of mind knowing what he's like?

Gosh so many paranoid, insecure women on this thread! OP's husband didn't cheat on her with this woman and so far, there aren't any indicators that he's ever cheated on her. You also know nothing about this other woman's situation. She could easily be married herself or not interested in the affair anymore.

Just staying overnight on a work trip doesn't mean anyone who's slept with each other must do so again. Are you humans or hamsters? Putting a male and female in the same hotel doesn't mean they invariably end up shagging. Obviously if OP has reasons to distrust him then that's a different matter but just going by the facts, there's no indication that this other woman even wants to sleep with her husband.

Just as a comparison, I can do Coventry to London in just over 2 hours, or 4, depending on how mental the traffic is.

Yes, I've done the leave-at-5:00 am and get-back-at-midnight. (glasgow and back) I'd never ask my staff to do such a crap journey; it would go against most company policies under a duty of care to your employees when travel time exceeds 4 hours total.

Oh how very naive you sound. No-one is paranoid nor anxious, rather know that if a bloke is dodgy enough to shag married women his bar is low. He is clearly happy with lies and deceit and of coruse if they are away from home staying in the same hotel then the chance to repeat their brilliant sex would have been tempting.

Maybe they didn't, but his attitude to the op did not help. Defensiveness tends to equal guilt.

As he works with her, I’m fairly sure he’s had plenty of opportunity to have sex if they noth chose, including at work meetings. What do you think this is the first meeting since he met the op?

do you want to shag all your ex’s then. Or all your ex;s want to shag you? I assume so, but you don’t speak for every man and woman due to your unique situation where you’re all gagging to get back at it.

and for me, a young single man having sex with a married older colleague, not edifying, but my issue is more with her, the cheater, than him.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation.
Having said that, we all bring our previous experiences to these things.
I had a jealous and suspicious ex. He quizzed me about past sexual partners and I had to tell him who was best. I didn't brag, it was dragged out of me.
I was also quizzed, harrassed and accused about any men I spent time with.
I can understand him saying "leave me alone" if OP is like that a lot.
No indication she is, but it's possible.

To those questioning the need to stay overnight - you have no idea. Work trips often involve early starts and generally you do what work tells you to, not arrange your own transport/hotel when they've done it for you.

If he thinks you need to be grateful that he was honest with you then he really is a piece of shit of a man.

This woman would clearly have no issues making the moves on him. Her marriage or his won’t matter to her.

Because this thread is full of unhappy women who wants all other women to be sad, unhappy and lonely like they are 🥲

Have we heard from the OP? Did I miss the ‘he’s returned home’ update?

Straight-up misogyny. If you need to insult women to dismiss their perspective, then you’ve lost any footing.

You can think the trip is legitimate and still recognise that minimising your partner’s feelings is poor relationship behaviour. Those aren’t contradictory positions.

Trust is important, sure, but every woman who comes here and says "he's the last man I would have thought....:" trusted her partner not to cheat. It's not just the men you don't trust who cheat unfortunately. A healthy dose of caution is also good to have.