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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

378 replies

Fishoutwater · 16/12/2025 15:58

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

OP posts:
chunkyBoo · 17/12/2025 17:31

I’d feel very uncomfortable about that. I’m sure he’d behave as he’s with you now, if not then he’s not the right one for you

Didimum · 17/12/2025 17:42

Plaguedbyulcers · 17/12/2025 17:28

He only bragged about the best sex thing while being drunk!
People say all kind of stupid things under the influence. It wasn't to make OP feel bad intentionally or to make her feel inadequate.

DP/DH doesn't matter, it's a man she's building a life with.

We can't hold him accountable for his previous mistakes that was nothing to do with OP. We all make mistakes or have engaged in behaviour in our past that we are no longer proud of.

Show quote history

He only bragged about the best sex thing while being drunk!
People say all kind of stupid things under the influence.

What the … ?? No, decent people bloody do not tell a girlfriend how their previous sexual partner, who they still currently work with, was the best sex of their life. Drunk or otherwise. Dumb as shit move.

DP/DH doesn't matter

Of course it matters. You date people to find out who they are. You lose them if they aren’t good enough for you.

We all make mistakes or have engaged in behaviour in our past that we are no longer proud of.

Who’s we? I have way too much integrity to 1) do anything like that 2) brag about it 3) make my partner feel uncomfortable about it. More dumb as shit moves.

PopcornKitten · 17/12/2025 18:12

How are you doing OP? I want to tell you your feelings are valid and it’s ok to have insecurities about this arrangement. You do not need your feelings minimised or be made to be controlling or hysterical. Some of the scenarios being suggested are not parallels to your own.
is your DP back now?

Plaguedbyulcers · 17/12/2025 18:22

Didimum · 17/12/2025 17:42

He only bragged about the best sex thing while being drunk!
People say all kind of stupid things under the influence.

What the … ?? No, decent people bloody do not tell a girlfriend how their previous sexual partner, who they still currently work with, was the best sex of their life. Drunk or otherwise. Dumb as shit move.

DP/DH doesn't matter

Of course it matters. You date people to find out who they are. You lose them if they aren’t good enough for you.

We all make mistakes or have engaged in behaviour in our past that we are no longer proud of.

Who’s we? I have way too much integrity to 1) do anything like that 2) brag about it 3) make my partner feel uncomfortable about it. More dumb as shit moves.

Edited
Show quote history

Some people don't believe in marriage.
Yes I agree that his moves are dumb but that's no reason to be cheering on OP to dump him.

croydon15 · 17/12/2025 18:36

If you trust him give him the benefit of doubt. Has he given you any reasons to doubt him.

Didimum · 17/12/2025 18:40

Plaguedbyulcers · 17/12/2025 18:22

Some people don't believe in marriage.
Yes I agree that his moves are dumb but that's no reason to be cheering on OP to dump him.

Show quote history

Why would you not dump a boyfriend who is this uncaring and stupid?

EveningSpread · 17/12/2025 18:54

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/12/2025 18:58

If one is fine with this sort of thing, as am I, one is disparaged on MN as a ‘cool girl’. The implication is one must be desperate to put up with this.

I tend to think the opposite - you’d have to be desperate to be in a relationship with a man you thought would cheat given the first opportunity.

I once said something along the lines of ‘if you’re going to do it you’ll do it, there’s no point in me trying to control you’, and he made the very reasonable point that more pertinent was ‘have I ever given you the impression that I’d cheat on you?’.

So, has he ever given you the impression that he’d cheat?

Is it just this woman you’re concerned about? What if it was another ex? A female friend?

Well yes, but it’s not always that simple. Many people start out with a partner they trust, and then weird things like this happen and create a grey area. The OP is clearly being told not to worry, but being treated unkindly and forced to put up with a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Presumably he doesn’t have form for this generally or she wouldn’t be with him.

Things aren’t as black and white as you suggest. There can be a change, a slow alteration, that is difficult to get your head around. Sounds like that’s where OP is.

EveningSpread · 17/12/2025 18:57

OP the main issue for me is how he’s dealing with your feelings. He’s shitting on them. Being in the gym or pool does not constitute being too busy to reply to a text. Telling you not to ruin his evening when he’s ruined yours. He’s either fobbing you off while he shags that woman, or he’s dumb as shit because that’s what it looks like he’s doing. Either way, he doesn’t care for you enough to keep in touch with you when he knows you’re anxious. Horrid. I’m so sorry.

Hmm1234 · 17/12/2025 19:15

Fishoutwater · 16/12/2025 15:58

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Him telling you it’s just a work trip and you falling for it is incredible

Daygloboo · 17/12/2025 19:31

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 17/12/2025 17:23

But this isn’t choice, they work for the same company and irs been over years.

the hysteria on here isn’t ok. People actually want her to end her marriage, others enoucraging her to behave like an utter lunatic and go with him so he has no opportunity to cheat. If he wanted to cheat with this woman, he could. He doesn’t need to wait for a work meeting.

Show quote history

I think you're a bit naive

Surgz · 17/12/2025 19:32

Dont freak at the sex comment. .. at the time it was exciting.. if course it was , it was a secret affair! Prob way more experienced than he was at the time= best sex so far, until he met you. ..
However on this occassion, he should pay to get you to the hotel for a fab meal and to share his room .. ! If not ...

Teddybear23 · 17/12/2025 20:03

Flowerslamp · 16/12/2025 16:19

I don't think it matters if he goes or he doesn't. You think that, given the opportunity, he'd sleep with her.

Either you're right or that's incredibly insulting.

Considering he told the Op that he had the best sex with that woman, surely it’s not unrealistic to think he may fancy his chances again!

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 17/12/2025 20:16

Teddybear23 · 17/12/2025 20:03

Considering he told the Op that he had the best sex with that woman, surely it’s not unrealistic to think he may fancy his chances again!

Show quote history

Huh? You do realise he works with her right? If he wanted to continue with her he’d likely not have got with the op, and has opportunity every single day.

Didimum · 17/12/2025 20:27

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 17/12/2025 20:16

Huh? You do realise he works with her right? If he wanted to continue with her he’d likely not have got with the op, and has opportunity every single day.

Show quote history

I love how anyone thinks men plan or don’t plan cheating this well.

Anonanonanonagain · 17/12/2025 20:53

What a prick, dont message him trying to ruin his evening - eh he is there for work not pleasure right? Even if I believed he wont be with her which I do not, he is dangling the fact she is there like a carrot.

CheeseWisely · 17/12/2025 20:59

It comes down to trust. I used to sleep with someone at work years ago when I was single. We still work in the same building. In the unlikely event that we went away together for work then I absolutely would not be sleeping with him now, because I’m very happy with DH. That said, nor would I tell DH he was being ridiculous if he shared concerns about it, because the concerns would be understandable, if invalid.

ElizaJ74 · 17/12/2025 21:27

If he was going to, he would. Nothing you could say or do would change that.
If you don't trust him, there really isn't much point in being in a relationship with him

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 17/12/2025 21:59

He doesn’t care about you at all.

Please don’t waste anymore of your time with him, find yourself someone who actually loves and respects you 💐💜

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 17/12/2025 22:15

IdaGlossop · 16/12/2025 16:18

Difficult for you. Very. I'd be as concerned about DP's inability to understand your point of view as I would about the work trip. Is he planning on drinking at the hotel, OP? And would he talk to you openly about how he's going to 'manage' himself throughout the trip?

A positive is that he has told you that they are going together and that the car colleague has dropped out.

Why did the car colleague drop.out.

Smells a bit fishy?

catlover123456789 · 17/12/2025 22:19

After OP's last update, I'd be done tbh. You should be grateful!?

ChersHandbag · 17/12/2025 22:51

OP, this trip aside, have you actually stopped to consider if he's good enough for you in general?

  1. Boasts about affair/past sex to you on date
  2. Has disgrace thing going on at work
  3. Is the subject of a thread on mumsnet
  4. Makes his partner (you) feel really bad

It's not the personality profile of my dream guy.

Maybe he talked about this woman at the start to hype you up into insecurity and is enjoying the stupid thrill of it all.

Anyway, I don't like the cut of his jib.

Objectrelations · 17/12/2025 23:12

I’d like to know how it panned out now.

Milosc · 18/12/2025 00:57

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/12/2025 18:58

If one is fine with this sort of thing, as am I, one is disparaged on MN as a ‘cool girl’. The implication is one must be desperate to put up with this.

I tend to think the opposite - you’d have to be desperate to be in a relationship with a man you thought would cheat given the first opportunity.

I once said something along the lines of ‘if you’re going to do it you’ll do it, there’s no point in me trying to control you’, and he made the very reasonable point that more pertinent was ‘have I ever given you the impression that I’d cheat on you?’.

So, has he ever given you the impression that he’d cheat?

Is it just this woman you’re concerned about? What if it was another ex? A female friend?

I think you would be desperate to stay in a relationship with a man who is so dismissive of your feelings.

deluxeducks · 18/12/2025 01:12

Sounds like a charmer. Of course you're uncomfortable with the situation, and he's probably not stupid enough to genuinely fail to understand why. He just doesn't like it that you're not playing the part of a cool wife.

I could never trust a man who thought so little of martial vows that he'd sleep with a married woman.

outerspacepotato · 18/12/2025 01:34

I could never trust a man who thought so little of martial vows that he'd sleep with a married woman.

He had an affair with the married woman for around a year. He snuck around for sex. That would give me the ick right there.

Add in the dismissive way he answered her telling her to leave her alone so he could have a good time and calling her silly. He doesn't sound like the kind of man a woman can trust plus he is taking OP very much for granted.