DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Most likely this is because you both adjust your behaviours slightly, to incorporate your partners feelings.

Less pleasant would be that they know that speaking their mind, or sharing how they feel about your handling/behaviour in a certain situation isn’t worth mentioning. Because your “personal autonomy” will always trump their feelings, regardless of context.

She is an ex for a reason, you should trust him if there are no reasons not to, but if it was you going to a hotel with an ex for a work trip, what would he say? He's being very dismissive of your feelings.

Why does he need to be drinking with his colleagues? How bizarre. Yes, his work evening sounds SO important that he’s been in the fucking gym, and the pool all evening. Then belittling OP and calling her ridiculous.

The cool wife bullshit just means that relationship standards of respect are allowed to reach rock bottom.

How do you know there was no need to stay overnight? There could have been a meal out with the client, the day could have dragged on way past the normal working day. ie if he's travelled up for 2-3 hours, spent a whole day in a meeting and then expected to drive home, another 2-3 hours, let's throw in an hour for something to eat, his employer would be being irresponsible, if he were to have an accident on the way home and take out a family a week before Christmas, not a great look for any company all to save a hundred quid on a hotel for your staff- expenses which would be costed into the contract.

For anything over 100 miles, we book overnight/day-before hotels depending on whether it's an early start/late finish.

You can’t be serious. Surely no one is this unaware of socialising with colleagues when at a two day meeting. Doesn’t mean it’s alcohol, but I’ve never ever been to a two day meeting and not had a social even in the evening in the hotel or round about, where the team get together. You’re just making yourself look like you’ve never worked in any form of role where you go to off site meetings and don’t know anyone who ever has.

It's good he's told you.

Personally if it was me, once the moment has passed, it's passed. I never worry about ex's.

My perspective on this, is that yes he's done the right thing by being open and honest, but really - why on earth has he put you in this uncomfortable position?

I trust my husband implicitly, and he trusts me, but id never ever want to do something like this in fear of him feeling like its bloody uncomfortable, which it undoubtedly is. He didnt have to go, and he could have given you comfort by staying in a different hotel.

Ultimately, it's disrespectful and sounds like its crossed your boundaries.

You'll get mixed answers on here but really, if its not something you'd ever do to him and you dont feel comfortable, then its not right for your relationship.

Id be seriously considering things after this.

I work in a role with overnights working across 2-3 days. Some people meet up for dinner, others will eat room service, call their families and relax at hotel in evenings by themselves. There’s no ‘good grief’ about it – how dramatic.

He didnt have to go, and he could have given you comfort by staying in a different hotel.

Straight from someone who has probably never travelled for work. Depending on where in the UK this trip was, a hotel could be anything from £70 to a few hundred, and add in parking in a city centre, travel/ train.

As for him not going, what would he have said if this were a project he's been working on? What reason could he have given not to attend? doesn't look good to his boss and even worse to the client. Nothing worse than someone filling in for someone who's not been involved from the off.

I think it very much depends on the organisation/team and the frequency of the overnights. Where I used to work, overnights were a rare occurrence (due to costs) so when they happened for our project team, it was considered important for everyone to have dinner and drinks together as it was a key part of the ‘event’ and a rare occasion to have the entire team in one location. I remember one in particular where the only time you got a break from everyone was when you went to bed, and even then our hotel rooms were all in a line on the same floor and I could hear my client next door coughing. It was pretty intense!

Why on earth do you think other posters haven't had to attend work dos?

You sound overly bothered by the whole thing tbh. The op's dp has form for shagging a married woman and bragging about how amzeballs it was. This woman is on the essential work do. Surely it isnt rocket science to recognise this will cause the op a teensy bit of anxiety and her 'd'p could have handled the whole thing better by not getting defensive about it?

So there’s no point in other posters speculating what could or could not have been possible.

Only bothered as much as you to reply. What a strange thing to say!

Anyone who's worked away, espically in a big company, would know exactly how stupid some of the things being posted here sound.

She was married, he was not. While you may question his morals, he was single.

He's probably getting defensive about it because his integrity is being questioned. It sounds to me like he's been upfront about the work event, her going and his past relationship with this woman. You're right, he could have handled this better; he could have kept his mouth shut, but then, when it came out, he'd been away on a work event with her, overnight. The only reason he'd have kept it quiet was if he was shagging her. Whether he was or not. The poor bastard has been hung out to dry by the LTB brigade..

'You're right, he could have handled this better; he could have kept his mouth shut, but then, when it came out, he'd been away on a work event with her, overnight. The only reason he'd have kept it quiet was if he was shagging her. Whether he was or not. The poor bastard has been hung out to dry by the LTB brigade.'

Hung out to dry by the 'LTB brigade'. Bit dramatic .

He could've handled it better by not being an arse in his replies not by 'keeping quiet'.

I guarantee if your dp was off on an overnighter with an ex whom they'd raved about fabulous the sex was you too may have needed a bit of reassurance, not dismissive gaslighting comments.

Quite. OP's partner has a past that there's nothing anyone can do about. OP is in a relationship with him knowing about it, and knowing that they still work together. He has been completely open about this trip right from the start, and OP's discomfort reflects rather more on her neuroses than the facts here.

As for the travel arrangements and hotel choices, if the company goes to the trouble of organising a rental car and directing colleagues to share it, they're probably a bit stricter than the arrange-it-yourself-and-expense-the-bill type of company. If this is the company's northern site and regularly have internal visitors from elsewhere, I imagine they may well have a preferred hotel with preferential rates, and in many companies it is very much the culture that people travelling together stay together, eat together, and socialise together.

And to simply say "he didn't have to go" is breathtakingly naïve. Who the hell has a job where they can simply opt out of their responsibilities?

It’s mind boggling on here, as soon as the klaxon call of infidelity is sounded some posters lose all form of sense, start hyper ventilating and posting the most extreme angry stuff.

And there isn't even any actual evidence of infidelity! Just a bloke who has been completely up front about an overnight business trip with someone he used to sleep with.

They've been working together for the three years he has been with OP. Most people carrying on a workplace affair manage to do it without the help of their employer conveniently putting them up in the same hotel on a work trip and yet there's absolutely no suggestion that the DP has been unfaithful so far.

That's fair enough, and I actually agree with you 100%. BUT in this case it was just her husband and the woman, which is a bit weird as they hav a sexual history. It's a different situation altogether.

So many calls to break up with a man who we have no evidence has done anything wrong since being with OP 🥲

As a woman who go on multiple work trips it is literally stated in my contracts that my hotel rooms for overnight trips are single occupancy only and it is so unprofessional to bring a spouse alongside with you! I also don't have a choice of hotels.

I also have a routine once I check in, which usually includes gym/swim/sauna to decompress ahead of a big meeting.

I have had to go on work trips after a "disagreement" with my DS and actually his messages does spoil the evening/my flow for the work expected of me because if I'm upset with DS then I'm already not at my optimal best so then I have to work harder to be at my baseline. I know I would be well pissed off if I was being accused to "might cheat" and then getting messages about it when I'm already at my work requirement.

So many talks about shouldn't have gotten with a cheater- we can't change this.

As women sometimes our reactions are over the top, dramatic and not emotionally intelligent (i.e., not proportional to the issue). The people on this thread just wants you to dump your spouse without any good reasons except for one act of imperfect behaviour. They'll tell you to dump him and won't be there after. I'm convinced that the people on here just want all women to be miserable.b

I hope you're okay, and have had time to process your feelings (feelings are valid AND sometimes not a fact), you really need to have a conversation with your spouse at a later time, not when you're both irritated and you both need to hear each other out. Remember you're on each others team!

The discomfort isn’t coming from nowhere. This isn’t a random colleague – it’s a former sexual partner, overnight travel, shared transport, shared hotel. It’s reasonable that this would land differently for a current partner, even if nothing improper is happening now.

Being upfront counts, but integrity isn’t just disclosure, it’s how you respond after your partner says ‘this is hard for me’. If the response is defensiveness, minimising or irritation, then transparency alone doesn’t solve the problem.

Saying ‘he was single at the time’ may be morally tidy, but it doesn’t erase emotional context. Past behaviour still informs how much reassurance is needed in sensitive situations – that’s just how trust works.
No one is claiming this proves he’ll cheat, or that avoiding this trip would magically fix everything. The question is simpler: does he take her feelings seriously and show some willingness to meet her halfway, even if the logistics can’t change much?

If the attitude is essentially ‘this is stupid and unfair’, then even if he’s completely faithful, she’s still with someone who won’t protect her emotionally. And that’s a relationship issue, not a Mumnset hysteria issue.

But this isn’t choice, they work for the same company and irs been over years.

the hysteria on here isn’t ok. People actually want her to end her marriage, others enoucraging her to behave like an utter lunatic and go with him so he has no opportunity to cheat. If he wanted to cheat with this woman, he could. He doesn’t need to wait for a work meeting.

'They'll tell you to dump him and won't be there after. I'm convinced that the people on here just want all women to be miserable'

Why would you think anyone want women to be miserable?

This bloke is a dp, not a dh. There's no mention of kids or financial ties so if that is the case it's the ideal time to reassess things.

A bloke who was complicit in lies and deceit shagging a married person does give some indication of the type of person they are.

The fact they think sharing a car having an overnighter after a nice relaxing pool/spa session no doubt with said married woman is ok just confirms he probably isn't anyone worth wasting anymore time on.

He seems a bit thick and inconsiderate what with bragging about his previous sex thrills etc.

They aren’t married. Dating 3yrs. No one even knows if they live together. It’s absolutely not OTT to throw a boyfriend back when they disregard your feelings to this extent.

Ok I think we all understand you have real issues with any history of cheating before someone met you, even if they themselves didn’t cheat, and a real fear of being cheated on. And no tolerance for any partner to be spending any time with an ex. But others feel differently; me for one.

you want her to bin him off, I think the idea is utterly ludicrous.

He only bragged about the best sex thing while being drunk!
People say all kind of stupid things under the influence. It wasn't to make OP feel bad intentionally or to make her feel inadequate.

DP/DH doesn't matter, it's a man she's building a life with.

We can't hold him accountable for his previous mistakes that was nothing to do with OP. We all make mistakes or have engaged in behaviour in our past that we are no longer proud of.