DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Called her silly. Hasn’t attempted to mitigate the situation. Didn’t even reply to one text message all day (despite not working) and then said she was ruining his evening. That’s treating her badly.

Swap the genders on this and no one would say a mans insecurities should be pandered to.

No, this isn’t true at all. Been there with my own DH for starters, and prioritised him 100%.

He wasn’t at work. He was in the gym and pool.

He might have been in the gym and the pool.

He wasn't working and he himself entirely created a situation where OP is feeling so insecure.

Yes, in a good relationship, she wouldn't have felt the need to message, but as she did, he should have been all about reassuring her, not dismissing her.

She hasn’t indicated she is bothered by her being a colleague. She is bothered about a) a recreation of the situation in which he was sleeping with a married woman and b) him not doing anything to support her emotionally in that.

Oh, other than to call her ‘silly’ and tell her she’s ruining his evening.

???? I’m agreeing with you.

Another guilty by being an honest partner - and some classic LTB, for the reason he's had to go to work, FFS.

I don't think his message was that bad. Yes, I know that's because I'm a bastard, for all we know, OP has badgered him all day about this.

As for people saying he should drive himself, it's not that simple. Some places require proof of business use insurance for car travel, and if not, or they provide a car that has parking passes allocated, the same applies to hotels that are pre-booked.

One thing it's shown is that you don't trust him, so next time he'll keep his mouth shut.

It's work. You dont get a say. You either accept this and trust him or you don't.

Nail on the head. Me neither. I can't abide dishonesty in any form and simply won't put up with it. I'd have ditched him the moment he confessed that he'd previously had an affair with a married woman. It clearly shows his lack of morals.

The problem isn't that he's overnighting with an ex affair partner, it's his attitude towards the OP, gaslighting her, making fun of her genuine concerns, and making out it's her fault that she's spoiling his evening! Vile horrible man!

Did you not read his message to her??

If OP accepted he’d had a past affair, then that’s up to her.
But him adding it was the best sex of his life has probably caused the issue here, and he was vile to say that. If the roles were reversed and she said hey, Martin, remember that bloke I banged at work who had the biggest appendage and knew what to do with it? We’re going on a little work trip….
I can guarantee Martin would be exploding with rage.
He’s said that to put her in his place and now has her where he wants her. This trip is just a reflection of that.
He’s ruined her night? He is Main Character Martin now, my time is more important than yours, so is my job, my life etc…
The thing is, he knows OP will be worried. He also knows she’s sitting at home fearful. It’s the worst gift you can give a man like this.
I am not suggesting OP plays games, but when you are at home stressed like this, he’s getting what he wants.
I would tell OP to build a life on her own, away from this awful man. He’s absolutely dire. She will never trust him now and he will continue to blame her.

I was thinking this. If theres no problem then why wouldnt he be happy for you to come along. He could have said to the woman that the work part of the.trip was ok but.the staying over bit he was going to spend with his partner. And , if she's a big grown up girl, I'm sure she can stay in a hotel for the night without having to have her hand held by your husband. Bit late now OP but that's what you should have done.

I can honestly say I would utterly hate if if my husband tried ro come on my work meetings with me. I’m in a whole day meeting, like this guy, then out for dinner and drinks in the evening with my colleagues, then back in the meeting rhe next day.

i would not stay married to someone so jealous and insecure they insisted in coming with me, then sitting in the hotel room all evening whilst I was out or forced me to miss the evening activities to their issues. And the thought od them sitting in the car tagging along, is cringe worthy.

for me this is an utter no go.

I'd be the opposite. As for "tagging along", then no, the OP would be sat in the front and the other woman would be the one "tagging along" in the back. I'd find things to do, day and evening, when DH was at the works do's and wouldn't expect him to do anything different or miss out on anything. I can occupy and entertain myself and would probably enjoy a day/evening in a different town/city. I'd also enjoy the "night" with DH in a hotel room afterwards.

I think he was in a difficult position with the work trip, he could maybe have paid to get there under his own steam (so he wasn't in breach of his works travel policy) but realistically nothing is going to happen in the car, and it would probably have gone down very badly at work to tell them be wasn't going.

However he should have been more understanding of your position on this, most people would feel very uncomfortable with their partner going on an overnight work trip with only one person, that they previously had an affair with. I'm sure he wouldn't feel great about it if it was the other way around. And instead of empathy and understanding, and finding ways to reassure you, he has basically accused you of over reacting, being evasive and irritable. He could have apologised, explained he had to go, and asked what you needed him to do so that you didn't worry

@ThisJadeBear (and others who have commented on the same thing) But him adding it was the best sex of his life has probably caused the issue here, and he was vile to say that

His full quote was ." before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life." That "before me" is quite an important part of the sentence to leave out, no?

She doesn't trust him because he's not trustworthy. He is the kind of man who will have an affair with a married woman. She ignored the red flags because she thought it was in the past and that somehow he's magically changed.

Now he's on a work trip with that same woman and it is affecting her. The past affects the present. He's also being dismissive of her concerns.

There isn't really a way to build her trust. He is who he is and he does what he wants. She can deal or she can leave.

I'd leave him to get on with things. Starting with this trip and then moving to separating your lives when he's home later. Calmly and confidently.

You don't trust him.

He doesn't value you enough to even attempt to reassure you. It's his way only.

He's shown you who he is. Do you want to accept this as your future?

Such a beautifully worded qualifier.

This!!

Given that the car is hired by, and paid for, by the company to enable their employees to drive to their other site, any partner tagging along should sit in whatever seat of the car is left available.

No I wouldn't be happy with my dh going on a work trip in the same hotel as someone he previously had sex with and the added best sex he's ever had just no

You could learn to read rather than casting aspersions on other’s relationships. There was NO mention of a team dinner. The overnight was to make the morning easier.

Zero need for him to stay the night. In my relationship, neither of us would put the other in a situation that makes them so uncomfortable, when there was no need

I agree OP going along on the work trip isn’t really appropriate. But there are plenty of things her partner could have done to mitigate the situation. He’s done none of them.

Good grief, what do you think he will be dining alone and drinking alone? Of course they will be eating together. I understand if you’ve never worked in the type of role where you go to meetings over two days and stay over, but surely even common sense you’d realise ghey won’t all be there and not be dining together.